Human is a social being due to his nature; he is born, lives and dies within a network of relationships such as parent-child, friend, teacher-student. Personality, which has positive or negative reflections in every aspect of life, is shaped by the people around him during childhood and youth. It is known by almost everyone that the attitudes of the family and teachers towards the child play a very important role in the child's personality development. Their attitudes towards children; We can classify them as authoritarian, freewheeling, indifferent-indifferent, unbalanced-indecisive, overprotective, perfectionist, reassuring-supportive. In this article, we will discuss the effects of the perfectionist attitude towards the child.
Clues of the Perfectionist Personality
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They adopt a critical, judgmental and blaming attitude towards others. For this reason, their relationships with their children, friends and spouse may be damaged and terminated.
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They equate making mistakes with failure, and they They may unfairly label those around them as failures.
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They expect children to think, feel and act like an adult.
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They have presuppositions and wishes (shoulds and shouldn'ts) regarding their children, and they expect the child to fully meet them. (Must play a musical instrument, become a doctor, NOT make mistakes, etc.)
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House, belongings, clothes cleanliness and order They frequently intervene with their family members and act persistently despite the reactions. They make life difficult for both themselves and those around them.
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Because they are detail-oriented, it takes them a long time to complete their own work, and they expect the same from those around them. They tire both themselves and those around them.
Examples of perfectionist attitudes towards the child:
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Success is what has to be done, it is not appreciated.
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Failure k is unacceptable and criticized.
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While children are told verbally "You don't have to be perfect", the message "I want you to be perfect, you must be" is given with different attitudes.
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Comparisons are made with other children in order to motivate children and make them ambitious.
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They are expected to give up friends and social life for success.
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They are expected to be extremely loyal to social, religious and moral rules. Childish behavior and games are prohibited for children.
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Children who have difficulty in complying with strict rules are subjected to disproportionate punishment, criticism, blame, and even violence.
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He makes extreme efforts (private lessons, courses) because he wants to be perfectly trained in every field (lessons, sports, music, painting, etc.). The child is subjected to education that is far beyond his/her capacity.
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When success is not achieved despite providing all kinds of opportunities, the expenses and sacrifices are put on the children up to that point.
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Children's choice of friends is interfered with. The ideal friend that is right for them (hard-working, rule-abiding, clean, moral, faultless) is imposed.
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The child's food preferences are constantly tried to be guided. There is a list of what the child should and should not eat in order to be perfect, and it is tried to be implemented without bending, regardless of the child's preferences.
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At home, military discipline is applied to achieve perfection. Strict rules are set and followed excessively regarding children's going to bed, getting up, eating, homework and games.
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Perfectionist parents do not follow the rules. may feel tired and exhausted while reminding the rules, forcing them to comply with the rules, and applying punishment. He/she may hold the children or the other parent responsible for these results and blame them.
Reflections of the Perfectionist Attitude on the Child;
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They cannot be sure that what they do is complete or good. Even if he receives positive reactions, he They experience dissatisfaction and dissatisfaction because their voice tells them the opposite.
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Since it is not always possible to achieve perfection in every field, I try not to make an effort with the thought that no matter what I do, the result will not change anyway. may begin.
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They criticize their friends a lot, they expect too much from them, and when they do not behave the way they want, they move away from their friends. As a result, they are unable to find friends, make friends, and They also have difficulty maintaining friendships.
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The child who cannot fully meet the expectations of his family feels worthless, unloved and unsuccessful. He constantly tries to prove himself to his parents and make them like him.
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The high expectations of the family may cause the child to feel excessive pressure-responsibility and intense anxiety. . As a result of the increase in the level of anxiety, disorders such as exam anxiety, social phobia, depression and generalized anxiety disorder may occur, which reduce the child's success.
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Rigid, inflexible, They become overly rule-abiding adults.
Suggestions for Perfectionist Parents:
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Set goals, taking into account your child's capacity, wishes and abilities.
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When they cannot do well or skillfully enough, do not hinder or embarrass them, on the contrary, encourage them to try again. and encourage them to develop their skills.
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Do not always expect truth and perfection from children in every field. Determine the situation with the child, identify mistakes and deficiencies, and discuss the duties of you and the child regarding the issue.
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Pay attention to effort, not the result, and reward their efforts.
Suggestions for Young People and Children Exposed to a Perfectionist Approach;
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Express the positive/negative feelings and thoughts you feel in connection with the behavior of your family and teacher to the relevant person in an appropriate language. The perfectionist may not be able to predict what you are feeling unless you say it.
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When someone labels you with incompetence or failure, do not take the label and put it on yourself by saying "I am incompetent, I am a failure."
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In situations where your mistakes and shortcomings are always highlighted, remind yourself and the people around you of your successes and skills.
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If you experience anxiety and anxiety due to negative perfectionist attitudes and your friend-family relationships and academic success are negatively affected, you can get help from a professional mental health professional.
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