I heard these sentences from many people sitting across from me;
I'm not beautiful/handsome
Who would want to be with me?
There's nothing lovable about me
I'm afraid of them seeing the person I really am;
If they really knew me, they wouldn't actually love me
I will talk nonsense and embarrass myself
These are the sentences that really surprise me. Because usually there are other people sitting in front of me than the ones I described. Yes, she is beautiful or handsome. Of course, people who are worth loving, who are not incompetent, who are no different from other people with feelings, thoughts and desires. At the same time, they are very critical of themselves (negatively) and cannot see and interpret themselves objectively.
So where does the difference between my opinion and their opinion come from? How come we see different things even though we look at the same person? At that point, we can talk about our schemas that affect our perception.
Schemas formed by everything we experience in our world since our childhood. We may have created our own methods to deal with certain situations during our childhood. Then these methods may actually have worked. However, if we still apply those methods in adulthood, it may not contribute as much to solving the problems in our lives as it did then, and may even lead to a dead end.
Imagine with me; You are in kindergarten, you have slightly chubby cheeks and round-framed glasses. Your friends call you words like "fat, four-eyes". This hurts you, makes you sad, makes you feel ashamed, maybe more. Thoughts such as people are cruel and untrustworthy arise in your mind. Then you decide that you need to stay away from them. And so you do.
Years pass and you become an adult, but you try to live here and now with your schema created by what happened there that day. You live, or you assume, as an individual who has condemned yourself to loneliness and lives an isolated life.
Adults are more tolerant, flexible and enlightened. Really mature adults do not make fun of people's glasses or their weight. people's flaws They don't look for help, and even when they criticize, they make constructive criticism. They are not focused on finding people's mistakes. They do not waste their time with unnecessary matters. Therefore, the person who was cruel in childhood has progressed and improved himself in adulthood. The scheme you created then does not work today.
Reach out to that child who was beaten there that day, hug him and tell him that he is not alone. Tell him that you, as an adult, will save him from the coldness of loneliness. Don't let the existence of insensitive people in the world affect your existence.
They exist as long as you care. And they definitely don't deserve your care.
Now look at yourself again. You are not ugly as that kid said..
Who knows who he was angry with that day, maybe he was very unhappy. He took out the pain of what happened to you. People can use such methods when they are children because they are not yet strong enough. Now is your time to question every unreal thought.
When a thought comes to your mind, ask yourself where that thought comes from. Does this thought come from your thought habit or is it from a reality?
Scientific method says observe, analyze and come to conclusion, summarize. I believe that as long as we use the scientific method in our lives, we will suffer less harm.
To those who have the courage to question…
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