I realize that sometimes we interpret our children's situations as they should not be. One of the complaints I receive is from families who are disturbed by their children's rebellious and headstrong attitudes. Of course, if the child opposes everything, then there is a problem. However, sometimes families may want children who are extremely obedient and do not go beyond their words.
Due to the way our culture raises them, most parents expect them to have children who do not go beyond their words and are like lambs. That child has certain patterns of being a "child". It is thought that one should not go beyond the patterns created by the mother and father. In this way, parents feel at ease and believe that they are protecting their children. When the child tries to raise his voice and reveal his individuality, he is silenced and left helpless. After a certain point, the child, who believes that asserting his individuality will not bring any results, learns helplessness. He feels flawed and inadequate. Because he sees that his own existence and needs are not respected. He learns to obey in order to receive his family's love and acceptance and to avoid punishment. So, do we really want to raise children who obey, do not question, and remain silent?
One of the children who came to me was having a hard time saying no to the requests of the people around him. One of his biggest concerns was not being accepted by his friends, being excluded, and not being able to deserve their love and acceptance. Because his family had given him the message that he would be accepted and loved as long as he did not break someone's word. He broke the glass cabinet door at school just because his friends asked him to, and as a result he was sent to discipline. But his need for acceptance was so high that he took action even though he knew what he was doing was wrong. Because the information he received from his family was that he was worth loving if he fulfilled the wishes of others. Their own wishes and preferences were unimportant. If he objected, he was punished. That's why he didn't even feel the need to question the action requested from him.
However, children who are used to obeying will continue to obey in the future. They prefer to establish relationships with dominant people. It does not matter whether these people have good or bad intentions. They just look for someone to manage them. Because they are not used to having their own control over their lives, and they are not ready to take responsibility for their own choices and actions. Families with authoritarian attitudes have always made decisions and choices on their behalf. As a matter of fact, children who grow up with an oppressive attitude are not given much of a chance to choose. Therefore, not only does the child not know how to make a choice, but when he has to make a choice, he seeks approval. Because he believes that he cannot know whether the decision he makes is right or wrong. Their self-esteem and self-confidence are lacking.
Therefore, when our children object to us, we should prefer not to silence them, but to create a constructive discussion environment. Because this objection is nothing more than the child's battle of "I'm here too, I may think differently than you, respect that, notice me, try to understand me." For this reason, regardless of whether what they defend is right or wrong, "your opinions are important to me, can you please share what you think?" We need to give them the chance to express themselves. However, a discussion environment that aims only at giving advice and making people accept our own truths and judging them, rather than listening and understanding, causes our children to avoid communication and think that they are not understood. In this case, the child, who believes that communicating and explaining himself will not bring any results, says "Even if I explain, he will not be understood" and remains silent. Moreover, since he will live according to the wishes of others, he cannot exist in life with his true identity. It is not possible for a person to be happy in an environment where he cannot exist as himself.
A healthy discussion environment develops the child's questioning power, creates a healthy self-construct, distinguishes right from wrong, trusts himself and his own choices, and causes an increase in his self-esteem and self-confidence. It is possible. Realizes the power and richness of communicating and expressing oneself openly. Listen to someone's suggestion If he does, he does this not for the sake of acceptance, but by questioning, thinking about it and coming to the conclusion that it is right. He does not hesitate to say "no" to others when necessary for his own truth. He does not live his life according to what others think about him. Because he is aware of his own value, this value is unchangeable compared to others. He realizes that being accepted and loved cannot be achieved by pleasing others. He is also aware that he does not currently have to be accepted by everyone. He is aware that the foundations of strong friendship and friendship are laid when he reveals himself and his own values, and that this means meeting on a common ground. Therefore, he does not direct his behavior with the concern of being loved and accepted by everyone.
So instead of being disturbed when your children behave towards you, we should be happy to see that they can think about things, have an opinion, and express themselves. Children who are accustomed to obedience and helplessness cannot achieve happiness and success in life.
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