Recently, while listening to parents in the therapy room; I witness that parents conflict the most about setting boundaries. If you are talking about a boy, mothers often do not want to say 'no' to him. If it's a girl, the father can't help it... Of course, apart from this sexist approach, there are also families that are quite out of gender stereotypes and can set limits. But today, in this article, I will be answering the questions of what is a limit, what is being able to set a healthy limit, and what happens when we cannot set a limit.
First of all, it is useful to explain what is meant when we say setting a limit. Every child is born from a mother and someone takes care of him. Sometimes this is his own mother, sometimes grandmothers, sometimes caregivers... From the moment the child is conceived and in the first 6 months, he sees himself and his mother as a whole. It is like an extension of the mother, and even thinks that the mother's breast belongs to her after birth. However, especially from the 9th month onwards, he realizes that he is a different individual from his mother by noticing his hands first, then his legs and arms. Healthy decomposition first begins in this period. In fact, psychological science recommends that the breastfeeding period of the mother and the child end after the 12th month so that the child does not have a dependent personality structure. On the other hand, a child who tries to separate from the age of 9 months experiences tension during adolescence, and the most important reason for this tension is becoming independent. The borders reveal themselves in these two important periods. A good enough mother allows the child to become free and independent. For example, it allows him to wear his own clothes and use his own cutlery. *But sometimes, and this is where the child may have behavioral problems (but of course, this is not the only reason for the behavioral problem), sometimes parents see their children as a part of their own body, and their body is like a continuation of their own body. That's why he wants to control and manipulate every move he makes and violates the life of an individual who doesn't belong to him. Children are expected to wash themselves at the age of 7 at the latest. But when we look at the children of people who are extensions of their own bodies, there are still 11-year-old boys who are bathed by their mothers, or girls who are bathed by their mothers...
As age progresses, children reach adolescence. Good enough mothers children He doesn't listen to her door when he's in his own room. If she's worried about what he's doing in his room and that his relationship will break down behind closed doors, she asks him about it. And he sees closing the doors as an extension of liberation and individualization and does not take it personally. We encounter this frequently in therapy rooms. We leave the room with the child, one of the parents has his ear at the door and does not listen to the warnings of our assistant friends.
Research shows that people enjoy life when they have positive social relationships. That's why everyone should spend time with their peers, at least 20 minutes if the child is in their first 10 years. Quality play means respecting the child's boundaries, even if there are some conflicting situations between 10 and 18, repairing this and allowing the child to be free after 18. This briefly explains the basis of parenting.
Let's say, you don't even want to set a bedtime for a girl who comes home after years, or for the first boy who was born much later than the baby, or if you are wondering what will happen if he sleeps next to you; It means that border violations have started.
On the other hand, we never talked about punishment. Locking him in his room, threatening him with not giving him food, physically beating him, and similar situations are already serious border violations and even neglect of children's rights. But, for a child who has difficulty using a white screen, 20 minutes every day. Giving a white screen and then never opening it is an extremely healthy communication.
It is useful to keep in mind that setting limits will have positive consequences for the child's life. A child who has learned healthy boundaries at home may not have behavioral problems at school, will not have difficulty complying with the rules at school, will be productive in business life when he grows up, can establish a healthy family, and most importantly, will have a positive attitude towards himself.
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