You must have heard expressions like "I hate him, I wish he hadn't been born, take him back to the hospital where you got him, I won't share my toys, he shouldn't come with me, he shouldn't wear my clothes, he shouldn't come into my room, I'm not his brother or sister." Or we may have witnessed him trying to hit, bite, make you cry when you turn your back, and pull your hair.
Although this process between siblings is seen as unusual for adults, we have to accept that it does not have the same meaning for the child.
Although sibling jealousy is seen as an abnormal situation for parents, it is a normal and ordinary process for children. It is a considered natural feeling that can be seen in every period of life, but it is experienced more intensely in childhood.
Especially in children, jealousy of the new sibling at home not only affects them deeply but also causes behavioral problems. We can think of the jealousy of the new sibling coming home as accepting a piece of cake into one's life. “My child, we love you so much that we wanted to have another you that looks like you and that we will care for and love as much as you do. In this way, he will not play games alone, will not get bored, and will always be your companion.” Let's try to say this expression to yourself. Your spouse will say to you, “I love you so much that I want there to be another you that looks like you, that I can care for and love as much as I care for you. Because I don't want you to get tired and have to deal with all this work alone." Even as you read these sentences, you may say how ridiculous such a thing can happen. At this point, you can understand that it is quite normal for your child not to want someone to come to him or sit on his throne.
Although this is certainly not the case for us, it may be perceived as such for your child at first glance. Many parents may make unintentional mistakes to prevent their child from being jealous of their sibling. "My dear child, he will be your brother, but nothing will change in our lives, everything will remain as it is now, there is nothing to worry about..." At this moment, the child begins to feel anxious. Even if you don't say that nothing will change in our lives, it is a sign that something will change. First of all, the mother's hormones change, her physical shape changes, her needs change, her mood changes, routines change, even saying "I can't play now" while playing with her shows that something has changed. When the process is like this, jealousy begins before the sibling is born.
Every child wants to be unique and special for his parents. Every negative behavior the child shows towards his sibling is the message he wants to give to his parents: "mom, dad, I'm here". Many parents, in order to protect their sibling, say, "You are a big man, what are these behaviors, no, I will not see you hit again, leave that baby's belongings in its place", as well as behaving in a punishing manner towards the child. "Go to your room right now, I will not buy you the toy you want, do not go to the market again." "No" causes his jealousy towards his brother to increase day by day. The discourse that emerged after these was; “What happened to this child?” The child now begins to experience outbursts of anger, become aggressive, start wetting the bed at night, disobey words, become rebellious and uncaring.
A situation we encounter is that some parents spend more time with their child due to the birth of a sibling. He/she may think that he/she cannot pass it. She wants to be sent to a nursery immediately. During this process, the child who starts the nursery may often show problem behaviors there, or even though he/she is well-adjusted, his/her mind is constantly focused on home and may start to think "what are they doing when I'm not around" or "they're sending me here to get rid of me".
Now. You may ask, if our job is so difficult, shouldn't he have a brother? In this process, we need to accept that no matter what we do, the child may experience sibling jealousy. It is important to know that even if we want to have a child who is not jealous of his sibling, lives in harmony, does not cause harm and is obedient, this will not be possible. Sibling jealousy is a natural process, more or less just like the hormonal change experienced by the mother due to pregnancy.
The main thing is to know what we can do to minimize the sibling jealousy and the problem behaviors that occur due to it. If we do not have enough information, is to get help from man.
The most basic things that should not be forgotten are;
“Siblings do not have to be close friends. Age difference does not eliminate jealousy. The distinction between equality and fairness must be made carefully. Constantly holding someone responsible should be avoided. One must be impartial”.
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