We all experience the same emotions, our hearts beat in the same rhythm. The path of life we walk is the same, only our landscapes are different because as individuals we have different temperaments. Being loved, loving, and knowing that we are special to someone even without being special are among the most basic needs of all of us. The process of establishing a relationship, which is spontaneous and does not require any special skills, can be made difficult by these schemas that enable us to make negative comments about ourselves and the other person.
Faultlessness is the primary schema that may be related to romantic relationships. Even though a person with this schema is repeatedly told that he is loved and good, the individual will constantly see himself as "defective". The most prominent emotion associated with the defectiveness schema is shame. Because shame usually appears at a time when our flaws are revealed. To avoid this, the individual will do almost anything. This schema makes one feel inadequate and worthless in every aspect of being a wife and mother.
Secondly, it is possible to talk about the skepticism schema for romantic relationships. The most obvious situation of an individual with a skepticism schema can be understood from the difficulty in trusting other people. An individual with the Suspiciousness schema thinks that he/she will hurt, humiliate, deceive, lie, cheat, and exploit other people. In fact, the skepticism schema is a schema with a precautionary mechanism. If there is impatience, there is fear. The person who says "If you are serious, let's start a relationship" is afraid. The skepticism schema may have been activated. Being in a relationship by taking the possibility of rejection and tolerating being different at every stage of the relationship and taking the risk that we may break up at some point actually contributes to a more enjoyable relationship.
The third scheme encountered is the "Abandonment" scheme. Individuals with this schema believe that they will always be abandoned for certain reasons and that their relationships will end. Reasons for ending a relationship may include cheating, abandonment, or death. In other words, individuals begin their relationships thinking, "I will be deceived or abandoned at any moment." Individuals are actually Even if it is not negative, they perceive it as if it will be negative. “What I'm afraid of may happen to me, so I have to be very careful so that I have time to get to the emergency room. Is there an unanswered phone call or an unanswered message? I think that the disaster I fear may happen suddenly. "I will suddenly start taking precautions about it." This brings with it jealousy. The most important supporter of this picture is anxiety. Abandonment and doubt are two very close friends. In a way, they are like relatives, cousins. The anxious person compares himself with others and finds himself somehow inferior.
Fourth is the "Submissiveness Schema" scheme. Leaving control of one's life to the person one cares about because one is afraid or shy of the other person's reaction. They make more compromises on their own values in order not to lose their valued spouse, and they do not realize that while trying to protect their relationship, they are actually dragging them down even more. The intensity of love and dependence on the other person causes this schema to be activated.
Fifthly, the "Emotional Deprivation Schema" plays an active role in romantic relationships. They do not express their expectations, needs and feelings from the relationship because they believe that their emotional relationship needs will not be met adequately. Since his wife does not understand him, he stays away from her, and problems begin to occur in attitude and communication. The following thoughts are active: “There were no people who showed me warmth, protection and sensuality. I have never had anyone who truly listened to me, understood me, or cared about my true needs and feelings.”
Sixthly, the “Perfectionism Schema” is a phenomenon related to failures. The individual has a need to find a perfect partner, a perfect spouse. The individual has the thought of "Let me find the best I can find, so I don't make a wrong decision", and this schema is a schema that creates serious problems. Because the individual forces both himself and his partner to be perfect. Perfectionism can be a real pain. We can say that it has two legs. Perfectionism has a narcissistic leg and an obsessive leg. We call the obsessive leg more like "indulgence disorder". We also have difficulty making decisions during obsession. Therefore, even as we continue, we say about the other person: “I don't know, actually Is he the person I love or not? Is he worthy of me or not? We may hear questions like: It is something that destroys the joy of life.
Individuals choose partners who will continue their schemas experientially by establishing emotional closeness and feeling close to individuals who may cause their early maladaptive schemas to continue and trigger them.
From now on, the parties in the relationship choose partners who will continue their schemas experientially. If the quality of life is affected, if the same problems come up again and again in different ways and no solution can be found, it is important to get someone else's opinion, an expert if possible. If there are heavy schemas that cannot be resolved in couple therapy, perhaps heavy skepticism, heavy culpability, individual intervention may be required and one or both parties may apply for individual therapy.
The change of a person is a process that automatically affects the situation.
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