Psychogenetic theory tells us that what is experienced, watched, and modeled in the period between the first 6-8 years of age, in a sense, determines our destiny. In other words, what kind of adult, parent or spouse you will be is shaped at these ages. The lower or intermediate brain, which records this format, constantly affects the upper brain, which can think logically, and people unknowingly spend their lives with scenarios that they have memorized very well. Sometimes we do or choose the same thing as our childhood models do and choose partners. Sometimes we shape our lives in order to be opposite to them or to make opposite choices.
When you look at the arguments between couples through this lens, we can say that the different perspectives gained in the past shape our fights today. The perspectives and beliefs of both spouses from the past regarding being a woman, being a man, marriage, raising children and looking at life form the basis of today's disagreements and conflicts. In fact, the problem does not arise from differences, but from everyone accepting their own knowledge as the most correct. Let's give some examples of these situations, which become especially evident under stress.
A reasonable, polite spouse when calm can turn into a rude and swearing person under stress. A man who grew up in an environment where women were despised, but who defines himself as modern, may always demand from his wife to stay one step behind or take him down under stress.
Someone who has not witnessed enough closeness between parents who cannot express their love may be very fond of him as an adult. He/she may sabotage his or her spouse, who has become close, with various fights, and thus distance her/himself again.
A spouse who saw his/her mother being subjected to violence during his/her childhood has subconsciously decided to tolerate his/her spouse under all circumstances, and this situation is perceived by his/her spouse as "my spouse does not argue with me, but always remains silent", and problems occur.
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These examples can be multiplied. What we do in therapy is to make the couple realize these different pasts, observe how they are reflected in the present, and raise awareness of this issue in the couple. However, discussions can end with a new common awareness. Couple therapy seems to be the most appropriate solution to gain awareness on this issue.
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