Divorce is a difficult process for both parents and children. Pausing or postponing the divorce process for children may have a more negative impact on the children. A child growing up in an uneasy home can cause more harm.
Research shows that not every child of divorced parents experiences psychological problems. The communication style and attitude of the parents before or after the divorce either makes this process painful or easier. What is well known and common is; It is problematic for them to look after children whose parents are divorced. They attribute every problem they have to divorce. Once the parents maintain a healthy relationship, the child will also feel safe. A healthy divorce has more positive effects than an unhealthy marriage.
What the research says;
Previous studies have shown that boys experience more social and academic adaptation problems. . Nowadays; It has been determined that boys and girls equally experience adaptation problems. Adjustment problems may differ between boys and girls. For example; Boys may show more extroverted symptoms than girls (expressing their anger and frustration outside, getting into trouble at school, being more likely to conflict with parents and friends), while girls may internalize their distress (depression, headache or stomach ache, changes in eating and sleeping patterns, etc.).
It is extremely important for a child to visit both parents to establish realistic and balanced relationships in the future. Children learn to establish relationships with other people through their relationships with their parents. A healthy and safe relationship they establish with their parents positively affects their future relationships. When mothers or fathers leave home, they do not leave motherhood or fatherhood. Fulfilling maternal or paternal duties is the most basic need for the child.
What do children think during the divorce process?
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If my parents won't love each other anymore, then they won't love me either.
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Who will take care of me?
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Did they break up because of me?
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Is it because I'm a bad kid or misbehaving? Are they lucky?
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Will I never be able to see my mother or father anymore?
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My father left the house, I'm very afraid that my mother will leave too.
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We will not be able to play games or eat together anymore.
How should we talk about divorce with children?
Telling children about divorce is a very sensitive task. There is no need to hold a ceremony at home just because you are sensitive. When explaining the situation to preschool children, do not make a big deal about it. By causing your child anxiety, you create the perception that "oh no, divorce is a bad and dangerous thing." For preschoolers, explaining divorce can happen during a game. Some people sit their children in front of them and have serious conversations. This worries the child. It can be said when the child is happy. Parents should explain it together. “We can't get along with your mother anymore. You know, you have friends you don't get along with. We feel very unhappy and sad together. This is between the parents, it's definitely not about you. I love your mother very much, and your mother loves me very much. We love you so much. We decided to separate our homes in order to be happier. From now on you will have two houses. You will have a room in my house and in your mother's house. "We will love and care for you from now on, just as we took care of you and played games with you in the past."
What kind of behavior is observed in children after divorce:
Not every child will have problems after divorce. While some children go through the process more easily, others may have difficulty. What is important is how the parents or the environment approach the child. The most common occurrence in children is a return to problem behaviors experienced in early childhood. It is important to follow your child well, as it will not be seen in every child.
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Like asking for the blanket or teddy bear that he used when he was a baby, or wanting to have it with him when he went to bed. While he has already said goodbye to these things before, he may want them again and feel the need to feel safe.
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When toilet training has already been completed, bedwetting can often be observed.
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Masturbation behavior may be observed.
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Crying or clinging to mother/father behaviors i can be seen.
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They have difficulty going to school, thinking that their parents will leave them.
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He may constantly talk about his mother and father at school.
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He may have night fears and wake up from his sleep.
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If his mother cries a lot, he learns to hide his own emotions and does not want to upset his mother.
What parents need to know;
The most common mistake parents make is confusing their children. It is best to exhibit the same attitudes after talking about divorce. What parents need to know during or after the divorce will make this process easier.
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Children should be told clearly that they will no longer live in the same house.
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It should be stated that they will only come together with their father or mother on special occasions.
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Even if your child insists "come home, sleep with me", care should be taken not to be together.
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Mother or mother through the child. A message should not be conveyed to the father.
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If one party has definitely ended the relationship and the other party has not, the child should not use expressions that will confuse him. For example; “I love your mother, but your mother does not love me, she left me” etc. This will have a negative impact on the child and the sense of trust will be damaged.
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Both parties must be clear towards the child. A different attitude of one party will prolong the process. The child will also begin to expect and dream of being reunited.
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Every child dreams of his parents being reunited. This does not mean that it is not specific to you or that there is a problem. Children learn to cope with their emotions through experience.
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It's always a good idea to avoid discussions about divorce when you have children.
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Maintain respect in relationships. If you protect your child, your child will develop his/her relationships in the outside world in direct proportion to the relationship you establish.
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