“ MORNING, THE PRICE OF LIFE, THE EXTRAORDINARY RENTAL THAT MUST BE PAID WHEN YOU STAY” ANNIE DILLARD
To be born means to die one day. So actually every beginning means an end. And of course, every end will be the beginning of another process. Just as we step into a new process when we are born, when we die or with the death of someone else, a new era has begun. What kind of processes our own death will bring us is not the subject of this article, but the death of someone else or the loss of any object we lost can be the subject of this article. will surely lose. This process is our bad luck that started with the history of humanity. At least even if you are reading this article right now, you have lost your infancy. Or maybe you even lost your childhood. Because, we cannot reach our adulthood without losing our childhood and childhood without losing our infancy. Even a baby has lost a process that is comfortable in its mother's womb and does not even have to breathe. In other words, we start life by experiencing a loss as soon as we are born. Maybe this is just the beginning because we have a side that matures with losses. Yes, we mature with losses because how can we cook without burning, in the end, as Yunus said, “I was raw, I was cooked, I was burned. alhamdurillah “.. if the end of the process is going to be cooked, human beings are the beings who are willing to do so..
Yes, there are losses, but how can we evaluate these losses in their simplest form? We generally tend to think of grieving only for processes such as death or divorce, whereas grieving is a psychological response to any loss or change. Vamık Volkan explains this process as a compromise we make to achieve harmony between our inner world and reality. Dr. Özge Öner's own statements about the disappearances seem very close to me. In fact, he says, we can consider the losses as living losses and inanimate losses in the roughest form. Live losses are perhaps the most painful part of this article. Loss of a mother's child, a child's mother, father, loss of sibling, loss of spouse, loss of friend and more many of them… these losses are the ones that hurt the most, and ultimately the ones that hurt the most. leaving a country, ending a process, leaving one's friends, so much so that even losing "his own self with his friends"... in short, what is lost may be a friendship, a hope, sometimes even just an earring that we value very much. these are situations where we cannot see the mourning process as much as live losses, but because there is a loss in it, they contain the mourning process. So much so that sometimes even losing a tooth means losing a part of the body. A person clings to this or adopts it as if he will never lose it. At the end of the day, he experiences deep feelings and states with his loss. These states are divided into 5 stages in the loss and grief process:
Shock - Denial stage, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance stage. Let's take a brief look at these processes together with those who are curious:
SHOCK PHASE
When psychiatrist Eric Lindemann examined the reactions of 101 people who lost their loved ones in a fire in one of his articles, Although they are different people, they find the first reactions quite similar. People who were buried in shock and drowsiness began to see their surroundings as indistinct and moved away from reality. At the same time, they experience difficulty in breathing, knots in the throat, the need to sigh, laxity in the muscles and loss of appetite. Yes, in the shock phase, which is the first stage of loss, our mind almost wants to try to deny reality. Later, the effects of the shock pass and our brain wants to deny this painful reality, “as if we will wake up and everything will remain a dream.”
In a minute we may find ourselves calling him on the phone. this stage of denial has taken on the task of protecting us as a "buffer" as we pass from the shock stage to the reality stage.
BAGING
Another of the defense situations in which our mind is active after the denial defense mechanism is bargaining. is the phase. As reality slowly begins to take its place, denial is still there with the resistance, making us bargain; sometimes with fate, sometimes with the creator, sometimes with the other, sometimes with ourselves.. “I had to do this.” or “I shouldn't have done this.” ..
We keep thinking about last days, last hours, last ones in our minds; If it were not so, it would be like this, if this were so, it would be like this.. the bargaining phase goes on like this. Until we feel that we are one step closer to removing reality.
Of course, these stages will also bring with them intense feelings of guilt. His words hurt because of me.. then we find ourselves negotiating with ourselves.. the process is still in the bargaining phase.
ANGRY STAGE
I think one of the most difficult stages is the anger stage. Because especially in the loss of life resulting in death, the fact of death itself does not allow us to release anger. So, how can you be angry with someone who has already died for leaving you?.. Instead, it is better to be angry at the doctor, who you think has not done his job well enough, at the oncoming car, at some undesirable situations that happened at the funeral. But in the end, somehow this anger comes out. Every grief definitely contains anger.
This anger is more evident in lifeless losses. In cases of divorce, the courts and the news are filled with this anger. Or, when the friendship is lost, this loss is associated with the badness of the other, and both the anger phase of the loss process is experienced and this separation will not be as difficult as it used to be.
Ultimately, if the anger is released, it means that the stage of denial has disappeared and we have begun to accept reality gradually. Of course, there are more healthy stages than this one.
DEPRESSION STAGE
This stage, which is also described as the “grief” stage, is no longer the pain of loss until your bones. This is where it starts to feel. Dreams begin to manifest themselves at this stage. Although dreams are painful at this stage, which shows how much we miss the other or the "thing" we have lost, it shows that death or loss has begun to be accepted. Whatever we have lost or gone from our lives, it is ours. Its mark in our lives is still warm, and that emptiness gives us deep pain. It is an extremely tiring phase. The depression phase can also be a phase that alternates between his guilt if what we lost was not as bad as we thought, or the sadness of it if what we lost was not as good as we thought.
ACCEPTANCE
This is a stage where the one who goes is accepted as it is, with good and bad. It involves accepting what is, as it is, and what we see is neither as bad as we thought, nor sometimes as good as we expected, whatever it was that we lost. This stage is now considered the end of the mourning stage. While some of the pain or sadness is with us inside, it is not as painful as the other stages.
It is important to remember that each grief is a unique stage and no process is exactly the same as another. The uniqueness and specialness of the human being is also seen here.
Secondly, the stages of grief can sometimes be ups and downs. Sometimes we fall into denial when we are in the anger stage, and sometimes we negotiate again during the depression stage.
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