Do You Have the Courage to Love?
Isn't it difficult for some of us to ask this question? And let alone telling him this, it may be that sometimes we can't even admit to ourselves that we're in love. You know, there's that feeling of being stuck between love and pride, or that's exactly what I'm talking about. Have you ever been in love but couldn't tell? Have you ever thought about what is holding you back? Why didn't these words come out of your mouth? Why did it take you so hard to take the first step? But what is the basis of the emotion that we put into a single word, which we call pride? How does this have anything to do with our past? Why are we always stuck in the same spot? What if you could feel all these strong feelings towards your best friend? Would you gather all your courage and say it, or would you hide your love deep in your heart, waiting for him to say it one day?
Here is this movie, produced in 2003 , is born out of these dilemmas. Let's illuminate the answers to these questions together with the light of Schema Therapy, which I believe maps the soul to. The film begins with the friendship story of two children who are wounded in a spiritual sense. One is a boy who learns that his mother, who is his only source of love, is dying, makes totems so that he will not die, and has not received any attention, affection or closeness from his father in this process; the other is the immigrant daughter who came from her home country during a period of intense racism, who was not accepted in the lands she came from, excluded and humiliated... while preparing; his father's lack of interest, support and affection caused the formation of the emotional deprivation scheme. These two main schemes not only affect her past but also affect her future.
Sophie's exclusion from her home country, being insulted as a dirty Polish, being mocked, her belief that she cannot be loved by anyone and while laying the foundations of the scheme of skepticism; in this process, they cannot get enough love, attention, The fact that there is no one to protect him in the environment constitutes the core of the emotional deprivation schema and the inability to feel that he/she belongs to the environment he/she comes from constitutes the core of the social isolation schema. And these schemas that he brought with him during his childhood affected his whole life and the decisions he made like everyone else. ' He wants to give it to Sophie, but; Sophie's answer is "Prove you love me". The schema of imperfection and skepticism has dominated her life so much that she cannot even accept the gift given to her unconditionally(scheme delivery). And the dangerous games to prove their love for each other begin at this time. The game is a way for them to mutually satisfy their emotional deprivation of saying 'I love you, I'm with you, I'll risk anything for you'. The game box is the symbol of their love.
Their friendship continued until the teenage years, which became stronger after the death of Julien's mother. With adolescence, those innocent feelings of friendship have been replaced by love and neither of them have the courage to express it. During this period, when they could not express their feelings and hide their feelings, suppression dominated their lives(scheme delivery). Although they could not express their mutual feelings, the strong attraction created by love drew them to each other like a magnet. The emotional deprivation schema common to both has made them feel such strong feelings for each other(schema chemistry). The games that connect them also came out of "Prove you love me" during this period. ‘Does he have a crush on someone? Does he feel different feelings towards me too?' has been a tool that seeks answers to the questions.
Why couldn't Julien express his feelings freely when he was so in love with Sophie? What are the factors that cause her to bury her feelings in the deepest part of her heart?
What affects Julian's life after her mother's death; the emotionally deprived with their strongest schema and abandonment schema are the biggest factors that prevent her from expressing her feelings. How can a little boy who lost his mother afford to lose the most important person in his life now? What if he loses his best friend, who is always there for him, who loves and cares? (When schemas take over our lives, when we give to the schema we cannot think clearly, we feel the same desperation we experienced in childhood in our lives.)
Another factor affecting Julien is that her father doesn't want her to see Sophie anymore because of her failure in her studies and her crazy life. Unable to receive unconditional love from his father, Julien succumbed to his father's wishes so that he could love him a little bit, and buried his love in his heart. Although he could not completely remove Sophie from his life, he wanted to remove Sophie from his life for 1 year and they were out of each other's lives for more than 1 year. He condemned himself to emotional deprivation and abandonment. When you are so afraid of being separated from Sophie, you can't help but question why he easily removed it from your life, right? This is also schema therapy; by overcompensating the schema. Fighting the feared emotion, the thought that I will leave before it leaves me, but this does not prevent the same emotions from being experienced, and even causes them to be experienced with the same intensity. In short, during this period, Julien; While he was playing games with Sophie to see if she was in love with him from somewhere, he pushed her from somewhere.
Why couldn't Sophie dare to express her feelings freely when she was so in love with Julien? What caused her to bury her feelings deep in her heart?
Sophie's childhood memories, hidden in the templates of her memory, prevented her from confessing her love. When we examine how these schemes affect his life secretly; Sophie can never understand whether Julien is taking care of her or playing games, she cannot trust him, she always has the question "Is he playing games with me?" in her mind. The Skepticism schema is at work. And fear that your own feelings will come out too r. Responds to games with games. Another reason Sophie represses her feelings is that Julien was never accepted by her father. The belief that he felt flawed and undesirable, and therefore unloved, caused him to take control of his life again. This has caused the fault and emotional deprivation schema to take over her life again.
After more than a year has passed, she forces herself for Julien. He sacrifices himself (sacrifice scheme) to win his father's love, to be the son he wants, and gets ready to marry a girl as he wants. However, with the arrival of Sophie at the wedding, Julien gives up on her decision. His father does not forgive him, he punishes him by abandoning him. With this pain of abandonment (abandonment scheme) she blames Sophie for it and this time she decides not to see each other for 10 years(punishment scheme).
So, what will they experience these 10 years? Sophie has been with an athlete she hasn't shared emotionally with in these 10 years. Thus, he imprisons himself in his own scheme of emotional deprivation. She wants only one thing to marry she; making her live a perfect, flamboyant, luxurious life(high standards chart) which basically makes her feel imperfect (fault chart) it's like a war with everything. However, nothing is enough to make Julien forget, every day is a day to meet him.
Julien is at the top of his profession. He has a very profitable job, a wife with whom he cannot establish an emotional connection, and two children that he values very much. He had the life that his father wanted him to have. Although (self-sacrifice scheme) makes great sacrifices to win her father's love, this is not enough to bring her father back and all this does not alleviate her emotional loneliness (emotional deprivation scheme). Abandonment. A lonely and injured child, afraid of being dumped, is left alone in the crowd with a self-fulfilling prophecy(abandonment scheme). He too has been looking forward to the passing of 10 years. He expressed this in the movie with the following words: I've been waiting for you, Sophie, like a dog pouting."
And the lovers reunite after 10 years play their last game; maybe they hug each other and bury themselves in a concrete pool in order to never be separated again, this is the happiest ending for them, eternity…
Why did they choose a happy death rather than a happy life together? Because for them, a happy eternity together is the only cure for their emotional loneliness.(it's like rebelling against emotional deprivation schemas.) So that Julien will never be abandoned by Sophie (abandonment schema); And Sophie will never think, 'Julien, does she really love me?'(scheme of skepticism).
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