When we look at the dictionary meaning of the word arrogance, we see that it means self-conceit, superiority to others, grandiosity, ego, pride. Another good example is given by Cemil Meriç: "If we give up arrogance, we will become lovable." saying. It seems that our arrogant side makes us unlikable. So, let's start theoretical research to find out why we get arrogant and what is the root of arrogance. In psychological theories, arrogance is used more in the sense of grandiosity, and I will continue my explanation through the concept of "grandiosity" in the rest of the article. Since grandiosity is one of the most basic manifestations of narcissism, let's start by examining the theoretical explanations of narcissism.
From the perspective of psychoanalytic approach, Freud talks about the concepts of primary narcissism and secondary narcissism in his article titled On Narcissism: An Introduction. For babies, it is not possible to make a distinction between self and non-self, they have no relationship with the outside world yet, the only reality for them is themselves and they perceive themselves as being at the center of the world. We can explain primary narcissism with the feelings of grandiosity, perfection and power that arise when the baby directs all its libidinal investment towards its own self. As the baby begins to recognize the outside world and the objects that exist outside of itself, it realizes that it is not perfect, complete and omnipotent enough to meet its needs, and its libido is directed to external objects as ego ideals. In other words, while in primary narcissism he is the magnificent one, with the fracture he attributes this magnificence to the other (mother, father, caregiver) and maintains his own magnificence as a part of this magnificence. The process of directing the libidinal investment back to the self due to the disappointment, dissatisfaction, inadequacy and deficiencies experienced in object relations is called secondary narcissism.
Kohut, the founder of self-psychology, added the concept of narcissistic personality disorder to the literature and defined narcissism as a developmental pause in the healthy developmental process. evaluated as. According to Kohut, the fracture experienced by a child who is not adequately mirrored and supported by his parents will cause a developmental pause and the person will not be able to reach the goal he/she enters. There is a need to be noticed, appreciated and admired in this environment. For example, the parent who approves of the child when he starts walking and shares his enthusiasm shares his pain when the child falls and heals him with his compassion. Here, the parent meets the child's need for mirroring, and the child adapts to reality by realizing that he is not divine, omnipotent and magnificent, with optimal breaks that he can digest. Disappointments that are more severe than the child can bear can have a traumatic effect on the child; he may not have been mirrored enough, his feelings may not have been understood, he may have been exposed to heavy criticism or he may have been ignored at all. In this case, the child may feel intense feelings of worthlessness and rejection. By overly satisfying and pampering the child's needs without causing any disappointment, the child becomes distant from reality and the child may think that he has the right to everything, is not interested in the feelings and needs of others, seeks intense attention, maintains the belief that he is perfect, and cannot be in harmony with his environment.
It is suggested that narcissism is at least a two-dimensional structure that includes grandiose and fragile narcissism, rather than a one-dimensional structure. At this point, if I talk about the perspective of schema therapy, of which I am a practitioner, on the two dimensions of narcissism, it is stated that the basis of narcissism is the schemas of entitlement/grandiosity, flawlessness and emotional deprivation. If I had to briefly explain what these schemes are; While permissive, limitless, overly pampering, and at the same time distant and indifferent parental attitudes pave the way for the development of the entitlement schema, the emotional deprivation schema emerges when the child's basic emotional needs such as attention, love, compassion, understanding, trust, and protection are not met. The defective schema develops as a result of indifferent, ignoring and overly critical parenting styles. According to the schema perspective, the appearance of schemas may differ from each other because individuals with the same schemas cope with these schemas in different ways (submission, avoidance, overcompensation).
Grandeful narcissists often overcompensate for faultiness and emotional deprivation schemas, in other words, emotional need They behave in a way that reveals their idealized self-image as flawless, strong, and perfect. In this respect, we can say that the grandiose behaviors resulting from the entitlement/grandiosity schema actually emerged to overcompensate for feelings of imperfection and emotional deprivation. In addition, children who are overly flattered and entitled to everything do not have the opportunity to meet their true potential and true self due to their inflated self, and they silence the parts of themselves that feel lonely and worthless because they know that their caregivers, who allow everything and pamper them, will not see and care about their emotional needs. For this reason, they prefer to surrender to their grandiose side. On the other hand, fragile narcissists often surrender to schemas of emotional deprivation and imperfection, feel ashamed of themselves, and feel anxious, shy, incomplete, and experience feelings of loneliness, disconnection, and emptiness due to their unmet emotional needs in the early period. Even though they have grandiose expectations, they deny these fantasies because they need approval from others to maintain their self-esteem. While the grandiose narcissistic personality reminds Aydın, the protagonist of Nuri Bilge Ceylan's movie "Winter Sleep", and his righteousness, judgment and self-perfection, the character Seniha in Zeki Demirkubuz's movie "Kıskanmak" humiliates herself by finding herself flawed, unlovable and ugly. However, it reminds us of fragile narcissism with its distant stance and devaluation of others.
So far, we have focused on the pathological side of narcissism, but it is clear that the narcissistic personality traits inherent in all of us do not always produce negative results and even make positive contributions to our spiritual development and well-being. Under the conditions it provides, we can talk about "healthy narcissism". The most important features that distinguish healthy narcissism from pathological narcissism are; Being in harmony with oneself and one's environment, having the capacity to act empathetically, recovering from negative feedback and criticism from the environment without damaging one's self-confidence and self-perception, and enabling one to act in accordance with one's goals. We can say that it is. Karen Horney defines pathological narcissism as an unrealistic self-inflation and distinguishes it from healthy narcissism, in other words, from loving and approving oneself.
Finally, I would like to talk about the story of how I started writing this article. I recently attended a training session on how therapists can strengthen their own “healthy adult” side. This time, we held up the mirror to ourselves and looked at our own moods. According to the mode approach of schema therapy, modes can be defined as the sides of ourselves that emerge and change instantly, and briefly, I can say that it is a model that studies which of our modes are how active they are, how much they affect our lives, which ones are maladaptive, which ones are healthy and whose strengthening contributes to our spiritual well-being. One of these modes, the grandiose mode, made me think a lot during the training. Thoughts such as how much of it I have, where it appears, it's not actually that bad, it has its good sides, I wonder what it looks like from the outside, passed through my mind very quickly and then I said I would think about it for a long time. So much so that I more or less guessed that I could avoid thinking about my grandiose mood and confronting it alone. The next day, I received an offer to write an article on arrogance. I started writing this article, thinking that it was obviously time to understand, recognize and transform, not to avoid it. The therapist is expected to be able to sew his own tears, and even if he cannot sew them completely, to accept him as he is or transform him by knowing where the tears are, before guiding him to notice and recognize his client's moods and strengthen his "healthy adult" side that can manage them. This is why it is so important for the therapist to go through his or her own process. According to the mode approach, the "grandiose" mode comes into play to prevent the painful feelings felt by the "lonely child" mode in narcissistic people, and the point that should be emphasized here is how loud the grandiose mode is and how much it affects our lives and relationships. Because this point shows where we stand between what is healthy and what is pathological. Narcissism is translated into our language as "self-love". k translated, while we can actually attribute positive meanings to loving oneself and one's essence; Being narcissistic, grandiose, and arrogant evoke negative situations that we do not want to happen to us. While it is healthy to love and admire oneself, to be proud of one's achievements, to prioritize one's own happiness, and to show self-compassion, sometimes our "critical parent" mode comes into play and can make us think that these make us arrogant and arrogant. With our sudden mood changes, the way we interpret situations and events and the meanings we attribute to them may also change. We can deny ourselves care, understanding, kindness, love and approval so that others do not have negative opinions about us and we do not get criticized. However, all of these are our basic emotional needs that our "healthy adult" side takes action to meet and does not spare from us, and whenever I hear the voice of the "critical parent", I am slowly learning to turn my ear to the "healthy adult" and its wisdom.
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