We live with growth and shrinkage, child and adult, devotion, individualization, turmoil and tranquility, coming and going in the present and the past. Sometimes I try to rise, I rise, I rise, but there comes a time when I fall, I become childish, I become inadequate. I'm not sure if it's fear. I'm trying to walk, to take steps, to get out of my child's space, to become an adult, to individualize, to grow. Sometimes I can't balance the pace. Sometimes I try to go so fast that it's like I'm trying to leave my child side behind. Is this what it should be? Should I leave my childhood side on a shelf in a closet, pretend to forget it, or try to hide the pain at the bottom of my closet? It doesn't work, it's not enough. Wherever I try to leave it in the closet or on the shelf, it doesn't stay. It seems like it's ready to end at any moment. It's like he'll never let go. Sometimes it strangles me, sometimes it gets tangled in my feet. Sometimes it slows me down, sometimes it shortens my breath. He's holding me back, he's blocking me. You know, even if you try to force yourself to forget some things, it always tries to remind you in your mind, and it never goes away, and on the contrary, it gets stuck in your mind even more when you try to forget it. Past memories become like a burden. That's why I try to leave it in the fridge. I say don't slow me down.
But I often forget this; I'm going so fast to try to forget it, I'm constantly trying to force a step to suppress that pain. However, if I accept it, it's past memories. It's past as its name suggests. The past is now the past...
But it's not over, do you know why? It's not over because I always tried to leave it there in the past, because I forced it into the closet, because I tried to force it away from my thoughts. Like I said, it gets stuck the more you try not to think about it. However, if I accept that I am in my past and present, it too will relax, it will neither grab me by the throat and stop my breath, nor will it grab me and slow me down. People get older and grow, but it is difficult for people to mature. Should I accept the opposite aspects, my inadequacy in some subjects, my competence in others, or be a child in some subjects, for example? Sometimes if I were to face my memories as an adult, sometimes if I were to shrink, wouldn't it be in front of my fears or what would happen if I were to shrink? Do I have to stand tall and fight against my fears? For example, sometimes if I were a child, my mother would play with my hair. Base Would I be too much of a child if I was a child and jumped in the mud? Or should I sit somewhere as an adult, think about my past memories and stare at the mud? What if I stay in the moment for a while, become a child and mature?!
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