A child's self-perception is affected, for better or worse, by the messages he receives from his parents or those who raise him. Although each child's upbringing varies, as does each child they raise, one thing most of these parents have in common is that they want the best for their children. These people try every day to do the right thing and make the right decisions as parents. However, despite all their good intentions, they can make wrong decisions. Sometimes these mistakes may be insignificant, but they are often effective enough to create problems that affect the future of both the child and the whole family. So why do these well-intentioned and good parents make the wrong choices? Sometimes it's just a bad suggestion, sometimes it's the love for children that makes parents vulnerable to useless suggestions, sometimes it's inaccurate assumptions, sometimes it's a lack of knowledge. But the most common reason is that they don't realize how big an impact their words and actions have. The best thing is when a parent who is shocked by the possible long-term effects of his mistake is willing to make a change. The worst thing is that this discovery is made too late and a path of no return is entered. If we explain this with a story, it will become more understandable.
Nuran got out of the car with her daughter Ayfer and greeted with excitement the play groups where they meet every week. Hatice's son Ahmet and Aysel's daughter Ayşegül jumped down with excitement as soon as the cars stopped. Mothers were also looking forward to fun-filled weekends. They had all been friends for a very long time and were now like brothers. However, the beautiful friendship between mothers was shaken for the first time. This week's meeting was at little Mehmet's mother İnci's house. Nuran, Hatice and Aysel agreed that Mehmet was an extremely naughty child that even a sibling would have difficulty getting along with. The group approached the door of the house, talking cheerfully. Nuran noticed that Ayfer was hugging her new fluffy rabbit tightly and was a little nervous. Nuran tried to cheer him up by saying it would be a great day. This thought had already changed shortly after they knocked on the door. Mehmet opened the door wide enough to open it while chained and gave them a strange surprise. He threw out the stream and stuck out his tongue and slammed the door in their faces. They were quick to hear Mehmet's laughter, followed by İnci's complaints, "Mehmet, honey, I told you not to do this before, you're hurting people. Not only that," he continued, "you're embarrassing me too. Why are you embarrassing me, Mehmet?" . Those on the other side of the door could not hear whether Mehmet answered his mother or not. İnci opened the door and tried to greet her guests as if nothing had happened. She sent the kids to the playroom and invited their friends to the kitchen. Less than five minutes had passed when Ayşegül burst into the kitchen with Mehmet right behind her. While she was trying to explain what was happening through her tears, Mehmet was constantly interrupting her saying "I didn't do anything!" and “It's not my fault.” Finally, the mothers realized that Mehmet did not allow Ayşegül to touch any of her toys and that he tried to protect her toys with physical force. İnci put her arm around her son and whispered, "Mehmet, honey, please go and play nicely for a while. The adults want to talk a little. If you want Ayşegül to come and play with you again, you have to learn to share her toys. Come on, now go play nicely, okay, honey?" İnci Mehmet She gently led him to the playroom. He hoped that everything would go well from now on, but this was a bit doubtful.
They went back, Ayşegül a little depressed and Mehmet triumphant, as he had no intention of sharing his toys and no one could force him to do so. Mothers In the meantime, they took a sip of their coffee, trying to enjoy their togetherness. But no matter how much they ignored them, they all knew that this first battle would turn into a permanent war. When the second clang broke out, Mehmet appeared again and started looking for something in the kitchen. İnci said again with her soft voice, "What You're calling, honey, don't eat anything now, we're too close to dinner time." While he said, "I'm not buying anything," the bulge under his t-shirt said something else. When his mother got suspicious and lifted his shirt, a bag of chips and cookies was revealed. Mehmet looked quite surprised. Soon the soft voice used by İnci while talking to her son was heard. "Mehmet, my dear. You know I don't like it when you lie to me. Also, you shouldn't take food to the playroom." All sentences ended with a questioning intonation, as if he was asking a question. Mehmet said an obligatory "I'm sorry"! After muttering, he left everything on the floor and ran away. İnci felt the shame of her child's negative behavior and a good behavior. She was overwhelmed by the boredom of all her begging for help. She couldn't understand why her own child always ruined what should have been a very pleasant afternoon. The mothers were beginning to enjoy the silence and friendly conversation that lasted for a short while, when they all froze with a scream. They quickly headed towards the playroom. . Ayfer's new and beloved rabbit now looked like an owl. The scissors in her hand and the feathers in front of her gave Mehmet away, but there was no expression of shame on her face. Nuran couldn't say anything. While the other mothers returned to the kitchen, she hugged her daughter, who sighed. This time İnci was Mehmet. He scolded him in a harsh tone: "Mehmet! Shame to you! You know you can't ruin someone else's toy! Also, you can't use my scissors! "What am I going to do with you? Why can't you behave well?" Mehmet was looking at his mother, but the blank expression on his face showed that what was said meant nothing. İnci turned to Nuran and Ayfer and apologized on behalf of her son. The rest of the visit was short and tense. One by one, the mothers said, "It's time." They realized it" and left to go to their peaceful homes.
Messages We Give to Our Children
"I can't keep you under control. I don't know how to set limits on his behavior. I don't know how to persuade you to behave well. Therefore, you can go and do whatever you want, all I can do is feel sorry for what happened." Think about these!
Actually, Mehmet's problem is much more serious than not wanting to share, taking food without permission, destroying his friend's toy or being disrespectful. Mehmet's real problem is that he does not know the rules he must follow, the behaviors expected from him, and what the consequences will be in case of non-compliance. His mother's gentle warnings and desperate words are not enough to give him the information he needs. A disaster like Mehmet is not born in a day. This type of behavior is gradually added to the situation, with new ones being added to it every day. slowly � develops, any misbehavior that is ignored or handled incorrectly creates a generally tense family environment. This is an environment of torture in which the child constantly continues his wrong behavior and the parents constantly contribute to this with words.
Mehmet and all the children are actually quite logical. From a very young age, they discover how much power their parents do or do not have over their children. When parents set certain rules and support them with consistent and fair discipline, children learn to behave correctly. When parents fail to set and follow rules and all they do is complain about misbehavior, the end result is that their child becomes someone who has trouble behaving correctly and is avoided by everyone else. The really sad point that his mother missed here is that Mehmet will be the one who will suffer in the end.
Changes You Can Make
Children are correct. They are not born with learned mistakes and developed good behavior and social skills. All of these are skills acquired later on. Parenting is a difficult job that requires constant teaching, management, and correction to equip our children with the skills to manage their own behavior. How well and quickly they will undertake this task depends on the quality and quantity of the training we will give them. Here are some tips that will affect success in this regard:
1. Take the leadership role in your relationship with your child. In our story, İnci was not acting as an authority. What they wanted from Mehmet was expressed in a very weak and pleading manner. There was no authoritarian and confident approach in his speeches. For example, when Mehmet refused to share his toys, İnci begged him. "Mehmet, honey, please go and play nicely for a while. The adults want to talk a little. If you want Ayşegül to come and play with you again, you have to learn to share her toys. Come on, now go play nicely, okay, honey?" Instead, he looked into her eyes and said a determined voice. If he had spoken with a clear tone and clear instructions, Mehmet might have respected his words more. He put his hands on Mehmet's shoulders and looked into his eyes. By looking at her, she could have better asserted her authority and expressed her expectations: "Aysegül is our guest. She came here to play with you and you need to share your belongings with her."
2. Set clear rules. Being an effective leader with your child should go beyond giving directions; a good parent-leader takes the time to teach, set rules, and explain expectations in advance. Mehmet's not sharing his toys is a very typical situation that can be prevented by rules that the parents will determine and teach in advance. Pearl could have spent some time determining the details of playing the game before the play group arrived. Then he would present them as rules that Mehmet should follow. For example, "You can put away some of your toys that you do not want to share. Apart from them, everything in this room will be here for your friends to play with. İnci could also have determined in advance what the consequences would be for Mehmet if he refused to share. "If I find out that you do not share your toys with your friends, you will be in your room while they are playing here. You will have to sit (break) for a while." Even better, if the family had a general rule about sharing, Mehmet could learn a pattern of acceptable behavior. Another advantage of having specific rules is that, as a parent, you do not need to create new rules for every situation; the rules will become part of daily interactions.
3. Follow your announced decisions. Children often and constantly test our authority. Our job is to ensure that our children follow the instructions we give. If İnci had informed Mehmet in advance of what he had to do and reminded him of what would happen if he did not comply, it would have been better for her to go to the playroom with him and see if he complied with it. If he still refuses to share, he should be sent to his room for a while (for a break).
Acquire new skills. Being a parent is perhaps the most difficult job you have to do, and like all jobs, knowledge
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