The marriage relationship is an extraordinarily complex, constantly changing and developing relationship. In a marriage relationship, how spouses define and perceive their relationship is one of the basic dynamics of that relationship. The second fundamental dynamic in their relationship is the issue of whether spouses live together because they want to live together or because they have to. The marriage relationship is a dynamic relationship, it constantly changes and constantly develops. When the voluntary and mandatory qualities of a marriage reach a balance, this marriage begins to go well and the spouses begin to be satisfied with their relationship. Even though spouses state that they stay married because they want each other, it is inevitable that there are some mandatory features in marriage arising from traditions and legal realities. In short, if a marriage relationship has become a completely voluntary or completely obligatory relationship, it is inevitable that problems will arise in this relationship.
Conflict is inevitable in every close relationship and marriage. While some couples reveal their conflicts openly and directly, others try to deny or suppress them or show their conflicts implicitly. So, on which issues do couples experience conflict the most?
Expectations, needs, wishes, money, sexuality, relatives..
Marriage is based on a compelling reason. In such cases, the marriage relationship can easily become a forced relationship. For example, an arranged marriage. Marriage due to pressure from parents, etc. In marriages formed with such a structure, the man and the woman have doubts about whether they got married because they love each other or to please their parents. In compulsory relationships, once a vicious cycle begins between the couple, it is very difficult to stop this cycle. For example, if a woman begins to think that her husband is living with her because he has no other option, even her husband's loving, positive behavior may begin to sink in for this woman, or this woman may become indifferent to her husband's behavior or act adversely towards her husband.
This type of infertility. Spouses caught in the cycle can neither truly be together nor give up on each other completely. So what can you fight with? Nor can they make love. When these couples apply for marriage treatment, it is very difficult to determine what they really want. They separate for a while and then come together again. They separate again and come together again. Thus, they fall completely into the relationship trap that they cannot get out of on their own.
Although conflict is generally seen as a negative thing, it is a natural part of human behavior and can be used both constructively and destructively. The ability to recreate relationships in a more improved form is the positive side of constructive conflict. Destructive conflict, which can include hostile communications and escalate the conflict, leading to the end of the relationship, is the negative part. Conflict occurs to different degrees in different couples. It ranges from about one conflict per week for couples whose relationships are not distressed to one or more conflicts per day for couples who are distressed. Just like in friendships, as the relationship deepens, the interdependence between partners increases and the potential for both satisfaction and conflict increases. Intense feelings of love in the initial stages of the relationship indicate that individuals have a high level of emotional investment in the relationship, which increases the likelihood of conflict later on.
Partners tend to make more negative attributions about each other and attribute negative behaviors to more internal and stable causes. . They also tend to evaluate their partner's negative behavior as 'generic, malicious, selfishly motivated and blameworthy'. In distressed couples, people tend to disregard their partners' positive behaviors, thinking that they result from temporary situational factors. However, in non-distressed couples, these processes work in reverse; such that a partner's positive behaviors are seen as permanent and negative behaviors are seen as temporary. The most striking feature of unhappy couples is their inability to end negative interactions, especially nonverbal communications. Conversely, happy couples can calm down such a process or avoid initiating it altogether. When highly or moderately compatible partners communicate with each other, partners' evaluations of the communication are flexible. Couples with low levels of marital harmony The degree of accuracy of their communication is lower than that of other couples, and these couples are less aware of this uncertainty.
A study of 118 married couples found that spouses tended to evaluate their own behavior more positively than that of their partners, and that partners were more likely to experience serious conflicts in distressed couples. It was observed that they acted very subjectively and somewhat hostile.
If the need to blame is highly established in at least one of the couples, conflicts may increase further. Some couples think that there should never be disagreements in marriage and that every mistake is a failure for them. However, the important point is not whether or not there is a conflict, but when there is a conflict, whether it is overcome constructively or destructively.
On the other hand, there are certain rules that spouses have to agree on during the marriage process. For example, who will do what job and to what extent? Who will organize the budget? Child care and education, relations with relatives, etc. Spouses have to reach a compromise on these points. At this point, whether couples are aware of it or not, the issue on which they disagree the most is the issue of which of the spouses' original family will be taken as an exemplary model in the newly established family. Although this issue often operates unconsciously between spouses, it always has the potential to cause trouble for the couple. Who will decide who are close relatives and friends? Who will set the limits and how? Also, who will manage whom? Who will make the rules and which rules will be made?
The thing that bothers couples and marriage therapists the most about the rules is the issue of who will make the rules, rather than which rules will be made. In short, couples in marriage have to reach an agreement in many similar situations. This being the case, it is inevitable and natural for couples to disagree on some issues and have conflicts. When a certain problem arises in the couple relationship, certain rules arise. The first of these is the rules that spouses can discuss openly. For example, a man may meet with his male friends a few times a month and come home late. The second is the rules that spouses cannot talk about openly. For example, the husband should seek his wife's opinions on important issues, etc. The third rule is the rules that the spouses do not accept. This third rule can only be observed by an outside observer. For example, the husband acts as if he has the right to constantly attack his wife.
Conflicts in marriage can also be seen as 'sexual rape'. Studies have shown that violent husbands have more sexual intercourse than others, and some of these sexual intercourses are forced. One of the strongest predictors of women's general fear of intimate relationships is being forced into sexual intercourse. Women fear that if they draw attention to rape, they will be beaten, their children will learn about sexual violence, or they will abandon their husband's sexual duty to serve their husband's sexual needs. For this reason, they hide sexual violence.
Women generally evaluate violence as 'physical'; However, it is clear that economic, psychological and sexual violence are also effective. It is thought that, along with the dominance our culture gives to men, the fact that they work also makes men more likely to have a say in the home. The man's inability to meet the needs of the house causes the woman to give consent to the man. In this sense, an important reason for violence is lack of income. Research has shown that women who are economically below a certain social level are more likely to be victims of violence.
It is seen that the man's family, especially his mother, contributes to the intervention in domestic relations in acts of violence. As a mother-in-law, the woman wants to establish authority over the daughter-in-law, and she achieves this through her son. While there is no problem between men and women under normal circumstances, acts of violence occur with the influence and contribution of the mother-in-law. In a sense, the mother-in-law wants to share her son. He wants to continue this power authority, the authority he sees from his own family structure, and this cultural relationship that is transferred between generations. It is seen that violence is used against women in the name of honor, both to control women and to maintain the current situation.
Conflicts between spouses in a marriage relationship immediately occur. It can be caused by an infinite number of reasons. Rather than reviewing all these reasons, this article focuses on the basic causes of conflict that can be observed in all cultures. As a universal rule, when two people get married, regardless of culture, there are some rules that these people must follow. Spouses have to deal with the problem of mutually blending and kneading these rules and who should determine these rules.
Undoubtedly, just as the marriage of people raised in different cultures comes together and creates an environment conducive to the emergence of conflicts, the rapid change of a culture also causes conflicts to arise. It creates such a favorable environment. For example, today's entry of women into working life has changed the traditional role of women and created the woman who prefers to have a symmetrical relationship with a man.
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