Limitation

'Discipline is the way to freedom,' said Aristotle. How can discipline lead us to freedom? Are we liberating when we try to set boundaries for our children? Or do all our efforts turn out to be negative when we try to set limits on them? What is limit setting? How can we set limits? In this month's guidance corner, we will share information about the behavior, methods and results of setting boundaries with our children.

All children are explorers. They are adept at understanding, exploring and experiencing the world they live in. They may have difficulty learning the rules while trying to understand their family and environment. What is expected of them, where they should stand, and what will happen when they cross borders are the information given to them by adults. Making mistakes is quite normal, as we have noticed in our own experience. Moreover, we all make mistakes when starting a game where we do not know the rules. We should always approach children with this perspective and try to understand them.

How can we set limits for children?

When setting boundaries for children, we must first be aware of our rules and expectations. The realism and practicality of our expectations are among the criteria that we should attach importance to in setting rules. Secondly, it is important to clearly convey and understand our rules and expectations to the other party. Children should receive clear messages about our rules and expectations so that they can learn to behave properly. It's up to us to make it happen. (1) A path should be drawn by the parents for the boundaries and should be followed in this way while applying the boundaries.

All parents must agree and apply the same rules in setting and applying the boundaries. Different attitudes and behaviors in the family may cause the child to have difficulty in following the rules.

Demarcation is a dynamic process. The rules may change as the child grows, along with the development of the child. The expansion of borders is shaped by the condition that children can take responsibility or not.

Continuity, stability and consistency are also important in setting boundaries. Support for the acquired behavior to become permanent

Parents' Boundary Determination Process and Family Education Models. Which model do you adopt?

Punitive Approach: There are strict limits without freedom. Trying to solve problems with power, however, there is a winner-loser relationship. These limits stop the undesired behavior for a short time. It prevents taking responsibility. Decision making and decision making in problem solving is given by the parent. Control is in the parent, not the child. This situation affects the continuity of the behavior and the punitive approach destroys the child's opportunity to take responsibility and learn.(2)

For example; Imagine that your supervisor is making you perform better by criticizing you in front of your co-workers. what would you say? “Thanks, I needed this. I understand what you mean, I will work harder now.” Would you say? Probably not. Would you like to collaborate with your chef? Again probably not. (3)

Soft Approach: There are unlimited freedom and flexible rules. There is an effort to solve it by persuasion. It is common in modern families as a result of misunderstood and applying the democratic approach. Parents often struggle to make children enforce the rules, they constantly adopt different ways, negotiate, beg, beg, in some cases scold, but in the final analysis, they are the losers. There is a winner-loser relationship here. Softness is tiring and tiring for parents. Children do not want to cooperate. Because they don't have to. Awareness of obligation should be given by families. It is important for the child's self-confidence that the parents have a normal level of tolerance towards their child. However, when the tolerant attitude of the parents does not remain at normal levels, it may lead to negative attitudes and behaviors of the child. First of all, excessive tolerance and permissive parents may cause the child to experience selfish feelings(4)

For example; You are going home with your car. The traffic is calm, and when you see that there are no cars at the intersections, you continue on your way without following the stop sign. Finally, the police notice you and pull you to the right. “You passed at four stop signs,” he says. ‘This is against the law. Laws are made for your safety. work. Please obey the law next time.' Then he gets in his car and drives away. It does nothing else (4). What would you do? Would you follow the rules next time?

Democratic Approach: There is limited freedom and problem solving by persuasion. It wins on both sides. Continuity, consistency, and stability are necessary for reinforcing the behavior. First, it is clearly stated to the child what not to do. Collaboration is made using the word 'we'. A solution is offered to the problem. If the proposal is not accepted, the existing problem is eliminated by the parent. Despite the reaction of the child, no step back is taken. In addition, children who grow up in democratic families are not afraid of parental authority, they feel loved by them and can freely express their opinions. These children have good social relations(5)

For example; Eight-year-old Kenny got his desired ten-speed mountain bike on his birthday. Before he tried the bike, his father told him the rules. ‘Your bike is beautiful, everyone would like to have a bike like this. I want you to lock it when you go to school and put it in the garage when you get home in the evening.' 'Okay,' said Kenny. But when he got home from work two days later, he found the bike in the garden. It was dark. Maybe he'll put it in the garage after dinner, his father thought. They ate their food, but the bike was still outside. After Kenny went to bed, his father took the bike and hung it on the garage wall. When Kenny got up in the morning and couldn't see his bike, he went to the garage and found it hanging on the wall. “What happened to my bike?” he said excitedly. 'You can have it on Saturday. You forgot it in the garden last night.' 'I'm so sorry,' said Kenny regretfully, 'I promise I won't do it again. If I take it today, will I go to school?” Kenny's father was determined. 'You can pick it up on Saturday' Kenny ran out of the house to catch the bus.(5)

Do our actions and words align with each other when setting rules?

For the positive results we want to achieve in children's behavior, our words and behaviors must be in harmony. Undesirable attitudes and behaviors are possible not only by verbal warning, but by eliminating the current problem, that is, by putting what we say into action. is working. If there is no harmony between our words and behaviors, our words are not taken into account by the child and they act according to the results they draw from our actions, not what we say. strong>

For example;

Parental discourse                                    Applying the break method to the child who hit you

Be home at 7:00 p.m. Turning off the TV

Throw their clothes in the dirty basket                                                                 of  the  child  because of positive behavior > when the child is encouraged to comply with the rules < strongp> and encouraging messages should be given to the child.

Children do not know that their behavior is wrong and that they need to do better and improve if they are not given feedback when they misbehave and therefore cross boundaries. We emphasize their wrong behaviors as well as their right ones, and act positively with positive feedback. If behavior is encouraged, both the permanence of the behavior is ensured and the child's cooperation and self-determination skills develop.

Example messages of encouragement:

• When you help, things get done quickly.

• I knew I could trust you.

• Thank you

• Well done, I appreciate you.

Things to consider when setting boundaries;

• The word is important in giving a message, but the behavior is more effective and important than the word. Therefore, be sure to support your rules with your behavior when setting boundaries.

• Be clear and concise. Give the message clear by speaking concisely.

• Be mindful of your tone when speaking.

• Be clear about the consequences if boundaries are not taken into account. Give information.

• Always back up your words with your actions.

My child is following the rules in kindergarten. Sometimes I am even surprised by what the teacher tells. But doing the opposite of positive behavior at home? Why?

The process of setting boundaries, setting rules, and following rules is organic. In other words, both the family, the school and the environment play the most active role in this process. The fact that the rules and the approach to the child are the same allows us to gain continuity in behavior. In other words, maintaining the habit of following the instructions and rules gained in schools at home and outside, and advancing with the right ways and methods will allow you to get the desired results in behavior. There is a positive correlation between children's taking responsibility in housework, friendships and applying school rules.

What is the importance of boundaries in doing homework?

Creating a timeline and always adhering to the schedule should be the primary goal for drawing boundaries. Thus, you set the rules from the beginning. For primary school students, the weekly homework list allows the student to be clear about their responsibilities and to manage their time effectively.

In cases where homework is not done, the student should always be asked for an account. This account is a scolding or d

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