Since I am interested in the field of early childhood experiences and approach my patients within this field, the knowledge and observations I have gained have taught me that the interaction between both parents and the child is very important. However, since today is "Mother's Day", I wanted to touch upon the role of the mother in our lives.
One day, one of my patients said a word during the session that I can never forget. In the session where the problems with the mother were discussed, the sentence "the world cannot feed what a mother cannot feed" fell like fire. Our first love, our first companion from the moment her eyes first touched ours... The relationship between us and our mother is a network of love and compassion that resists difficulties throughout life. Mother-baby bonding begins while the mother is still pregnant. After birth, some of the child's physical and psychological needs are met through healthy, secure attachment. This attachment process is so important that it continues throughout life and determines the person's life, the decisions he will make, and whether he will be able to establish satisfactory relationships. If a person has a secure attachment style, he/she trusts the bonds he/she establishes with others, has good self-esteem, feels worthy and valuable to be loved, and displays a well-intentioned and positive attitude instead of a skeptical attitude in his/her relationships, especially in romantic relationships. Therefore, the role of the mother in our lives is invaluable. What they have given us cannot fit into a day, let alone a lifetime.
Human psychology is based on such a balance that our early childhood needs must be met adequately in order to have a healthy spiritual structure. To be loved enough, to receive affection, to be respected, to be able to play games, to feel that we are individuals, to learn spontaneity and boundaries... While experiencing all these with her child, the mother will definitely need support, her burden is heavy, it cannot be denied. Sometimes she goes back to her childhood, reviews her experiences, sees her mistakes, she can correct some of them, but she can also make mistakes because mothers make mistakes like everyone else, they are not perfect. Also, who is perfect? What is being perfect and why?
In one of my previous articles, I touched upon the concept of family and touched upon one of the films of Hirokazu Korea. Translated into Turkish with the name "Hidden Truths" Today, I remembered another Koreada movie (The Truth). The film, starring Juliette Binoche and Catherine Deneuve, is about the years-long showdown between a mother and her daughter with a narcissistic pattern. There is a striking line in the movie: "I'm trying to forgive you, mom." This quote belongs to a woman who looks for compassion in her mother's eyes but cannot find it. In the film, we touch on the disappointments of a woman who tries to pursue her unmet needs in her childhood and tries to reach these through her mother. We witness this mother, who has emotionally deprived her child, confront her own traumas. So, can we try to make the mother pay for the needs that are not met in a timely manner? Can a result be achieved and the pain be relieved?
Freud has a saying that I like very much: "People have to be mothers and fathers to themselves," he says. This phrase I often repeat to my patients is to help your adult self. Even though it is difficult to replace a mother's compassion, love and care, you can be and try to be a parent to yourself as an adult. Perhaps, starting from this, you can give yourself the necessary compassion and meet the necessary needs of your child. “Am I a sufficient mother?” The answer to the question lies in the balance you establish between your own needs and your child's needs. Happy Mother's Day, love…
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