When education was mentioned in our home, the flow of water would stop. Although it still is. I grew up in such a house. I was only 7-8 years old. I had just started primary school. I was drowning in it as I tried to memorize the multiplication tables. I knew I would memorize it eventually. However, that word I heard while I was in such an endeavor left a deep wound in me.
“You couldn't memorize a multiplication table, Serdar. "Your sister didn't try as hard as you did." I know you didn't say it with bad intentions, Mom. But that day, I was hurt, I was broken, and most importantly, I felt inadequate and unsuccessful. Not getting your approval made me feel bad. What did I do next? Of course, I became more ambitious and worked harder. Because I had to surpass my sister and regain your approval.
I got an 83 in math. While my father was at my uncle's, he found out that my cousin got 92. “We send them to so many private teaching institutions. "Why couldn't you get over 90 in Mathematics?" he said. I know you didn't say it with bad intentions, dad. But it felt bad not getting any appreciation from you. I was hurt, I was broken, and most importantly, I felt inadequate and unsuccessful. What did I do next? I became more ambitious and worked harder…
In fact, this continued throughout my life. I set goals such as being a good child, a good student, a good spouse, a good friend, a good employee, and I tried to be the best in everything. I began to realize that when things didn't go my way, it wore me out. Because a small feeling of failure or unappreciation was enough to ruin my day. I felt like I was a failure and flawed, and I couldn't stop feeling like that.
I'm currently working in a good company, in a good position. I have many things. However, I am still making serious efforts to move up and earn more. It's like something is still missing. The actors and the scenario change. However, my role in the movie is always the same.
Recently, I invited my friends home to play PlayStation. I was so tense throughout the game that I realized my tension when the game ended. Why was I so nervous? Because I didn't want to lose in the game. What happened? As a result, I won. When I lost it last time, I couldn't get over it for 2-3 days. Luckily I won today. I'm a little more relaxed.
What you see Having the best and doing the best everywhere, in everything, is a big problem for me. It started in childhood and continued afterwards. My mother, my father, my teacher, other people around me and me contributed to this situation. This situation, which seemed to be positive in my life from the very beginning, turned out to be turning my life into hell. I just realized…
Of course, wanting to be successful is not a bad thing. However, the concept of success turned into something else in Serdar's life. He was making a lot of effort and exhausting himself to satisfy this innocent desire, which seemed to be positive from the very beginning. Most importantly, he could not change this situation.
We all have certain characteristics, beliefs and experiences that make us who we are. While some of us are thrown into the same cycle and cannot find the reason, some of us cannot make the change despite being aware of everything.
I hope we realize it and make the change.
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