Everything starts with the relationship a person establishes with himself. All the relationships you establish are a clear reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. In almost all of the relationships you establish with other people, there is a desire to repair the person himself. You eliminate your lack of self-confidence through others. You become dependent on their role in your life, which is basically very close to what I said about being externally controlled. You get your life force from your relationships. It is true that relationships provide strength and security, but they also keep your life under control, preventing you from becoming independent and listening to your inner voice. If relationships have become your needs, it means that you are as addicted to this relationship as you are to cigarette addiction. You seek to love and be loved in all your relationships, whereas true love requires being truly independent. It involves accepting the other person as they are, spending time with them, enjoying sharing things, but not needing their presence. Needing the presence of a person makes you dependent on that person, and when that person leaves your life, leaves you, moves to another country or city, or dies, your life completely loses its functionality. Just like an addict, your functionality is paralyzed in all areas of your life. For this reason, you unconsciously apply various relationship strategies to these people, strategies that will make them dependent on you over time. This wheel works exactly in all the relationships you establish. Overcommitment to relationships often stems from anxiety about not having your needs met. Being overly attached to a person or situation weakens your soul. For a while, you come to the point of losing your own true feelings and opinions.
Both you and they become dependent on you within these complex intertwined emotions. In this type of relationships, anger and love shows are dramatic. Rather than being result-oriented, fights are a means of hurting the other party, making them feel guilty, and intimidating and controlling the other party. Excessive anxiety, curiosity, concern and protectiveness are also considered signs of love. In such relationships, you should always behave as expected, for example If your loved one expects to be visited every holiday, you may feel guilty when you do not do this and you may even be exposed to verbal and non-verbal psychological abuse from your family. When you cannot meet expectations, these feelings automatically grow in your mind and heart and grow like a disease that insidiously gnaws at you. In fact, sometimes it grows so much over the years that it can become the cause of a biological disease, which I have explained in previous chapters. While you were growing up, your parents often used guilt to keep you under control and control. As an adult, you may have activated this system of emotions in order to control the other person and keep them under your control. In your bilateral relations, whether with your children, spouse or family and friends, a pattern of dominance and submission has developed. For example, although marital relationships begin with love and affectionate feelings, one side, whether a man or a woman, is a rule-making controller and manager, while the other side usually remains on the submissive side. Over time, these learned roles are reinforced and strengthened by themselves. If, over time, you begin to hold yourself responsible for the other person's happiness and unhappiness, mutual accusatory attitudes will reinforce this situation, and the process will turn into a mess of unhealthy relationships in which you both blame yourself and feel angry at the other person. The neurotic communication styles in your subsequent relationships will seem familiar to most of you. Not only your marriage and spousal relationships, but also your relationships with your children, parents, and sometimes even your friends, may be stuck in these emotional traps. The most commonly used emotional traps in this network of relationships are the use of guilt for control purposes. Once you get stuck in this trap, the rest will come true. Guilt is a very strong emotion and it holds you hostage to the other person. You should not let this feeling take over you, even if it is your parents. The most common way it is used is to cry over simple events, to leave the other person, to leave, to break up, to threaten with divorce. To sulk means to be capricious, to accuse you of not understanding them and of being selfish. Once you buy into all these accusations, The strategy of the other side becomes functional, stronger strategies are needed as the wrongly functioning system will eventually fail, and furthermore, it is trying to keep you under control with biological reactions such as having a nervous breakdown, threatening to commit suicide, having a heart attack, having a headache, and being sick. Usually the disease conspiracy works and you are controlled this way. Many parents successfully lead their children, even their adult children, down this path.
There are parts of all these scenarios that are familiar to all of you. However, you should know that not only those who practice these behaviors but also those who are exposed to these behaviors have a share. Usually you teach the other person to treat you this way. It takes your emotional responses from your reactions and adds them as a new key to its toolbox to use next time. If you know and understand these scenarios well, these tools will stop working in your relationships. When you try to fix your addictive neurotic relationships, you take a step towards living the life that is your right, in line with your own desires and interests.
If you want to understand that you are in a neurotic dependent relationship, make a check-list immediately and evaluate your relationships. While doing this, try to start only from your own feelings without falling into the trap of blaming the other party. For example; If you expect your children and your spouse to behave in a certain way, if you constantly blame the people you are in a relationship with and feel guilty, if you speak in a certain way around someone just because you are shy, if you feel anger and resentment when you are not approved, if you have difficulty making decisions, if you hold yourself responsible for the happiness or unhappiness of others, your relationships will be unfortunate. It is neurotic and unhealthy. It sabotages your capacity to think freely, decide and live. Like a toxic substance that poisons your soul, it disturbs you and you cannot stop using that substance. Get rid of this toxic substance and cleanse your soul, mind and heart. I'm not telling you to abandon all your relationships and run away, but at least you can be more aware of yourself and become more of yourself. You can develop a new relationship model by putting First of all, you should know that this is a choice. I know many people who are aware of everything but remain in the same neurotic relationship, and this is a conscious choice because this spiral of relationships is safe. For example, marriage is a safe haven; being at odds with your parents and having tense arguments with them may be a situation you would not want to experience right now. You do not engage in difficult tasks such as changing yourself and you do not take risks in anything. The satisfaction and approval of others caresses your ego and satisfies you. In fact, others have taken most of the life responsibilities on your behalf and you may not want to leave your comfortable zone.
A healthy relationship is formed with a true bond of love. It is an honest, creative and exciting relationship model in which both partners can make independent decisions, use their own potential and power, and respect each other's preferences and wishes. By approaching your relationships from a different perspective and deciding to restructure them, you can have a more satisfying relationship network that gives you pleasure and happiness and improves you. However, the process of untying the knots you have already tied may be a bit painful. You may no longer want to continue some relationships and some people may no longer want to meet you or may have limited contact with you. Remember that you do not have to be approved by everyone. Expecting everyone to love and approve of you is nothing but an egoic mistake. As you progress on this path, sometimes, naturally, old relationships may not be able to keep up with you, they may blame you and put obstacles in your way, your principle is to just continue and enjoy the moments you experience with the fascinating awareness as they develop.
A person's development and growth happens entirely within himself, everything starts and ends with you. How you experience this in your own story depends entirely on your choice. It is important that you can make these choices with your independent will, but more importantly, the people you affect with your change and transformation. Whether these are your children, your friends, your spouse or your family, remember that the transformation that begins in you will miraculously affect those around you. truly love you n and the people who want to be with you will grow with you and join this adventure, or they will move away from you halfway. This adventure, which you started with your free will, will create a synergy by triggering the series of choices that affect your entire life and the lives around you, and will bring harmony and balance to your relationships.
You are aware of all this, but you do not want to lose your relationship, so let's talk about redesigning your relationships. The first step to solving a problem is always understanding that problem. When you begin to understand the dependent relationship I mentioned above, you will also realize where you place yourself in this relationship. The first important sign that you are in this type of relationship is realizing that you build your self-worth based on someone else's approval. Your purpose in life is to meet the needs of those people and make sacrifices for them, entering into a vicious circle. You put all your time and energy here and your whole life gets trapped between these people's lips. Relationships become unhealthy to the extent that they limit one's own autonomy and competence. Although developing expectations for a relationship is a very human and understandable situation, the disappointments created by these expectations can also be painful and painful for the human soul. You may have shaped your emotional investments according to your expectations or the expectations of others, and when these expectations do not create the same excitement and enthusiasm in the other party, you may enter into a coercive attitude towards the other party, accompanied by anger, sadness and demands. When you see the emotional and behavioral parts that we put in ourselves and the other party puts in place, all the knots in the relationship start to become understandable.
As all relationships deepen and the experiences you have with that person increase, they can become more intertwined and dependent relationships. Some studies show that the first relationship pattern established with parents is reflected in all relationships a person establishes in his adult life. I think that especially children who are neglected by their parents or abused consciously or unconsciously are more likely to form dependent relationships. In marriage counseling, couples usually meet with their own parents.
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