Being perfect was a matter of being successful. It was a matter of effort. It was a target job. It was a matter of looking. It was a matter of making it perfect. He was constantly polishing himself. It was about self-discipline. It was to make it organized. It was an effort. It was a never-ending effort. Being perfect means not accepting flaws in this imperfect world. It was not being able to tolerate deficiency. It was not even close to the integrity you created in your mind. It meant being constantly angry, constantly tense. Most of all, it was being angry at himself. It was being angry at his lack. It was like not being able to stand yourself and your shortcomings. It was constantly imagining it in your mind but nothing even went parallel to what was in your mind. It was not being able to tolerate what was in his mind. Trying to close the flaws was about setting a goal and moving forward on that path. It meant not being satisfied even if you reached your goal. While even progressing towards your goal was enjoyable, nothing was ever good enough. Perfectionism is constantly feeling worthless at the point where you try to add value to yourself.
Isn't it as if every effort towards perfection is an effort to constantly remind you that you are valuable. The effort to remind him that he was so valuable was actually an effort to show his worthlessness to his face. Reaching perfection because of your worthlessness meant feeling worthless again at the point you reached. Being perfect means wanting other people's eyes to be on you but not being able to stand their gaze for a long time. It was wanting to be valuable but not being able to feel it. It was not being able to convince himself that he was successful, even though he was really able to do something with all this effort and was really successful. It was not being able to convince him that he was valuable. It was like my worthlessness taking over your entire body. It was not being able to satisfy oneself. It was not being able to accept oneself. It was being convinced that he was worthless from the beginning. Perfection was exhaustion. He was constantly polishing himself. It was the constant untiring efforts of his mind. It was a matter of effort. It was a target job. It was a matter of looking. Perfection was exhaustion. It was constantly being polished all the time. It was to discipline your mind. It was about disciplining your body. So it was a matter of success. So, for what, for whom?
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