In the world that has changed from tradition to today, relationships are also getting their share from new processes of individualization and relationship structuring. Changes in the roles of femininity and masculinity; It also changes the priorities, requirements and needs in the spouse relationship. The position of men in the 80's generation and before, which referred to the role of the man as more protective, caring, taking under his wing, and the head of the family, is heading towards a more parallel structure in the 90's generation and beyond. On the other hand, while in the 80's generation and before, home-making, caring, self-sacrificing structures were frequently encountered in the femininity role, in the 90's generation and after, the role of women in the spousal relationship is shifting towards a structure more parallel to the male role... With all this change and transformation, some problems that existed in the past They began to have an even more destructive effect on the balance of the couple relationship. I would like to walk a little towards the content of this general heading, which I define as the problem of parallelism.
There are many factors that disrupt parallelism in couple relationships. One of these is the problem of jealousy. This problematic, which constitutes the jealous and envied sides, forces the envied person to behave in the "same" way, while placing the jealous person in the role of determining how the other should behave (and placing him in the role of the person who punishes him if he does not behave that way), shaping the other person, restricting or forcing or obliging him. When jealousy exceeds relatively reasonable limits, the parallelism in the relationship is disrupted due to the imbalance between the shaper and the shaped.
The use of the teacher role is another major topic that disrupts the settings in the couple relationship. When the relatively inappropriate behavior of one of the parties is constantly criticized by the other and the definition of what a more appropriate behavior should be is always made by the same person, the parallelism in the relationship is broken. We often encounter situations where one of the couples does not take the responsibilities required by their age, when there are relational problems in social life, or when one of them constantly controls and shapes the behavior of the other due to balance in the family regarding children. This situation makes one person in the relationship a teacher while the other person becomes a student, and this situation is contrary to the structure of two adult relationships.
Another important thing that disrupts the parallel structure of the spousal relationship is two emotions on a knife's edge. These are feelings of compassion and pity. A person may feel a certain amount of affection towards his/her spouse. His compassion may intensify when his spouse is ill, when his spouse goes bankrupt, or when a relative of his spouse passes away. And again, in the sense of pity, a person may feel sorry for something that happened to his/her spouse, or the one who hurt his/her spouse may also hurt him/her. However, when this feeling goes beyond a feeling of sadness for what happened to him and spreads generally, the feeling of compassion and pity becomes dangerous. It can disrupt the entire balance of the relationship. Feelings of pity and compassion are emotions that flow from above to below. Therefore, while it moves the one who is hurt to a higher position, it pushes the one who is pitied to a lower position. In these structures, which remind us of relationships such as parent-child, supervisor-officer, teacher-child relationships, we often come across relationships that are done "so that he/she won't be sad", "so that he/she will be happy", or relationships that continue with the fears of "he/she can't do without me" or "he/she will be ruined if I leave".
Another balance problem occurs in dominant structures that love control. Structures that constantly investigate, follow, and hold the other to account where the other is, who he is with, what he is doing, again constitute a subordinate-superior role in the relationship. While being aware of each other and being in communication with each other is a good quality characteristic in a couple's relationship, the demand to be informed about every step taken by exaggerating this pushes people into a position where they are frequently strangled, and while the controller moves into the "parent" role, the controlled is pushed into the "naughty child" role. .
This and similar structure-breaking relational features that disrupt parallelism are frequently the subject of family and couple therapies. Structures that transform the relationship between two adults into a superior-subordinate, parent-child, teacher-student, account-taking-accountable relationship; It drags a couple's relationship, which could have been much more comfortable, much happier and more productive, into a narrower and less enjoyable place in many respects. When sufficient awareness is provided, change and transformation can be achieved, and the comfort zone that a person thinks he can only feel when he is on top can be expanded with closer feelings in a more parallel relationship. It can be felt at a diameter of �.
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