One of the main problems in today's marriages is the spouses' efforts to change each other. However, marriage; “I want to be 'We' with you, preserving 'I' and without destroying 'you'. Just like water. Just as the hydrogen and oxygen molecules that make up water combine under the super-identity of "WATER" and create a new and different formation, without giving up their own identities.
It is inevitable for the woman or the man to experience some changes over time in marriages. The wishes, needs and expectations of both parties may change and differ. So they can change. So we will change, but how and by how much? Will we change ourselves or will we change in line with our spouse's wishes? Perhaps the real question is: Who will change? Will the person change or the marriage?
One of the most common difficulties we encounter in sessions is about change. “We want to solve our marital problems, but before I change, my spouse must change and my relationship must change. "If my spouse changes, our marriage will be better. If my spouse does these things, the problem will be solved." thoughts like these. However, although what couples want most is for their spouses to change, what they are most resistant to is not changing. Especially if this desire for change is because someone else wants it, the resistance increases twice as much.
Human beings have a nature that can change but resists being changed unless they want to. While a person can change the bricks of his own inner world one by one, when he tries to change his partner's inner world, he may encounter great resistance and reaction. While the party trying to change gets tired, angry and disappointed, the party trying to change resists, gets angry, feels unaccepted and conditionally loved. In this case, both the party who wants change and the party who is trying to change come to an impasse and blockages occur in the marriage.
So, does one side have to change in order for marriages to continue healthy? The answer to this question depends on what we expect from change. If one side is desired to change, it should not be forgotten that it is not possible for a personality that has been shaped for years to suddenly turn to the opposite side at someone's will. Change is possible when it is mutual ndur. In other words, it would be unfair to expect your spouse to change without doing anything. You also need to contribute. For example; To change undesirable behavior, you can start by changing the method you have used so far but have not achieved results. You must change yourself and make an effort on this path. In this way, you will witness how the other person has changed. Because you cannot get different results with the same method.
Are there any points to consider for change? Certainly.
Using the expression "consensus" instead of "change". Because change creates resistance, compromise solves problems.
The change you expect should only be related to the issue you are having problems with, not personality-related.
Another point that should be emphasized is whether you contributed to the behavior that bothers you. What contribution do I have to the emergence of this behavior? Do I have reactions that I continue without realizing it? What did I do to change this behavior? Finding answers to questions such as.
The biggest problem with changes is waiting for the change to happen as soon as possible and constantly observing it. It is necessary to allow time for change and reinforce every positive behavior.
As a result; It is important to know that happiness in marriage depends on accepting your spouse as he is, and that unconditional love and constructive communication have a transformative effect.
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