Attachment theory addresses the need for closeness that is ingrained in our genes. John Bowlby's genius idea revealed that we are evolutionarily programmed to select and value certain individuals in our lives. In fact, the need to be close to someone special is so important that our brains have a special biological mechanism for connecting with and regulating our attachment figures. This mechanism, called the attachment system, consists of behaviors and emotions that ensure safety and protection around our loved ones.
We can define attachment behavior as seeking and maintaining closeness with another individual. Attachment behavior is viewed as a class of social behavior of equal importance to mating behavior and parental behavior. Attachment behavior as well as caretaking behavior is present in all species of mammals. Unless there are some setbacks in development, attachment behavior is always directed towards the mother in the beginning.
While in non-human primates, the baby's attachment to the mother is observed immediately after birth, in humans, the baby becomes aware of its mother very slowly. According to Ainsworth's research findings, attachment behavior is clearly present in all but a small minority of children at the age of six months, and this attachment behavior can be observed not only by the child's crying when the mother leaves the room, but also by smiling, jumping into his arms, screaming with joy.
Ainsworth saw that the presence of an attachment figure in the room was enough for the child to participate in a previously unknown environment and explore it with confidence. This asset is known as the safe basis. Safe support is a prerequisite for a child to explore, develop and learn. As adults, we do not play with toys, but we need to explore the world and deal with unusual and difficult situations. We want to be successful at work, calm and inspired in our hobbies, and compassionate with our children and partners. If we feel safe, the world will be at our feet, just like the child in the foreign environment test felt when his mother was with him. What if we lack a sense of trust? We want to make sure that the person closest to us, our partners, believes in us, supports us, and is there for us when we need it. If we are not sure what will happen, it becomes difficult for us to focus and engage in life. So it is true that we need to draw strength and comfort from a safe base in order to grow and develop as humans. For this to happen, our attachment system must be calm and secure.
Although there are different definitions in the literature about the types of attachment behavior, I prefer to look at the attachment approach, where attachment behavior is divided into three.
Anxious Attachment: In this attachment style, the perception of both self and others is negative. These people are anxious children who are indecisive between closeness and contact in their childhood. People with an anxious attachment style take action much faster than others. They notice a lot of details and sense when their partner's body language is negative or rejecting. Once the system is activated, their thoughts work towards one goal: to restore intimacy with their partner. It has been observed that people with an avoidant attachment style find anxiously attached people attractive.
Avoidant Attachment: People with this attachment style generally tend to view themselves and others negatively. It is difficult to say that they are very successful in establishing close relationships. Children with this attachment style are generally children who act avoidant in reuniting with their mother after a short separation, and sometimes act friendlier towards a stranger than their mother.
We can figuratively compare people with an avoidant attachment style to lonely travelers in their life and relationship journeys. Even if these people are in a relationship, or even a committed relationship, they behave in a way that keeps other dating candidates at a certain distance. People with an avoidant attachment style feel lonely even in relationships.
While securely attached people accept their partners with all their flaws, this type of attitude means a great struggle for avoidant people. If you are avoidant, you bond with your partner, but there is always mental distance and an escape plan. Feeling complete and close when we are together—the emotional equivalent of finding a home—is difficult for you to accept.
As an avoidant, your mind is focused on relationships with your partner. It is governed by beliefs and perceptions that keep you disconnected and hinder your happiness.
Secure Attachment: Individuals with this attachment style generally view themselves and others positively. They value close relationships and are successful in initiating and maintaining such relationships. However, they also manage not to lose their personal autonomy during these relationships. People with this attachment style are children who were active during play in their childhood, using their mother as a base of trust and exploring.
Securely attached people expect their partners to be affectionate and sensitive, and they are not very worried about losing their love. They are comfortable with closeness and intimacy, and have no difficulty in expressing their needs and responding to the needs of their partners. These people share their feelings with you in a sensitive and empathetic way - and more importantly, in harmony. Such a partner surrounds the person with an emotional shield of protection, so it becomes much easier to face the outside world. We only realize how great a blessing these qualities are in their absence.
So where does this secure attachment come from? As more research is conducted, there is growing evidence that secure attachment does not come from a single source. The equation of a parent who is sensitive and caring and provides a safe life for the child offers only one dimension; However, many factors come together like a mosaic to create this attachment style; our first relationship with our parents, our genes, and our romantic experiences in adulthood. 70-75 percent of adults stay in the same attachment category at different points in their lives. On the other hand, it is stated that there is a change in the attachment style of the remaining 25-30 percent of the population. Researchers attribute this change to the fact that romantic relationships in adulthood are so powerful that they change our most fundamental beliefs and attitudes about bonding. And this change can happen in any direction.
Close relationships are considered one of the most important determinants of psychological well-being. Establishing and maintaining close, stable and long-term relationships is one of the most important tasks of the adult's personality development processes. The internal functioning models we mentioned above are formed in childhood and remain ineffective unless they change later. Perceptual and cognitive processes in adulthood; Therefore, it directly affects behaviors and the quality of relationships established in adulthood.
According to a study by Cohn et al.; It has been found that securely attached adults can better regulate their emotions in couple interactions and establish more harmonious and less conflictual relationships. Additionally, higher marital harmony was observed when at least one of the partners was securely attached. One of the most notable results emerging from studies on this subject is that secure attachment is associated with high marital harmony.
Individuals with secure attachment have a strong relationship with love relationships; They described it as happy, friendly and safe. They accept and support their spouses as they are, despite their shortcomings. It has been observed that they maintain longer-term relationships than people with other attachment styles. While the relationships of anxiously attached people are characterized by fear of closeness and discomfort with distance; Individuals with avoidant attachment define love as obsession, sexual attraction and jealousy.
When we look at attachment styles, we see that the most important intensity of conflictual relationships in couple therapies is the anxious-avoidant association. Although this type of relationship model may seem very ordinary and familiar to both parties (because almost all relationships have this relationship pattern), it is actually a relationship model in which the satisfaction rate of both parties is low. As mentioned above, your attachment styles are not a process that is formed once and is never subject to change. However, people need to increase their awareness on this issue and be able to see that a different relationship pattern is possible. At this point, I can say that if you feel that you are constantly experiencing the same relationships and being broken at the same points, it is important to look at your attachment model.
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