When the family unity cannot continue, it is possible for the spouses to divorce. Situations such as economic problems, differences in the socio-cultural structure of the spouses, sexual problems, communication disorders, betrayal of one of the spouses, and domestic violence may cause divorce. Although divorce affects all members of the family, children are the ones most affected by this situation. Considering all this, spouses should seek answers to the following questions before deciding to divorce:
The reason for my problems and unhappiness; my marriage. I do not blame other problems on my marriage.
I did everything I could to save my marriage.
I made this decision for a long time and without being influenced.
Both my wife and I made this decision. We have given enough time to our relationship.
Our child and I will be affected by the divorce; I am aware of these effects.
I have the strength to deal with new problems that may arise after divorce.
I am only divorcing my spouse, not my child (especially for fathers).
And my spouse's as well. I too need our child, our child needs both me and my spouse, it does not belong to just one of us.
If one or both spouses have made their decisions firmly, they should try to ensure that the children are affected by the divorce process as little as possible.
Situations that may cause stress in the child are as follows:
Change in the family structure to which the child is accustomed.
Changes in family closeness and commitment.
Relationships with the parent he/she stays with and in the future. Concerns about self-care.
Emergence of feelings of guilt, loneliness and anger in the child as a result of conflict between parents.
Forcing to take a parent's side.
Babies: They do not understand conflict, but they can react to changes in the parents' mood and energy level. Situations such as appetite change and distress may be observed.
Continuing daily life, being able to behave warmly in front of the child, and family and relatives if necessary. moment to get help, toy etc. Precautions that can be taken include not depriving the child of his or her belongings and meeting the child's basic needs in a timely manner.
Young Children (2-4 years): Understands that one of the parents is gone, but does not understand why. He/she may exhibit behaviors such as sleep problems, returning to infancy, anxiety, introversion, anger, and irritability.
Providing a supportive and trusting relationship in which the child can lead a normal life may help the child get through the process more easily and may be beneficial.
Preschool (5-6 years): He understands that one of his parents is no longer active in his life, but he does not understand what divorce means. May experience feelings of guilt and anger. He/she may have concerns about the future, may think that he/she is unwanted, may be clumsy, may show aggressive behavior towards the parent he/she stays with and his/her environment, may have nightmares at night, may have a tendency to mourn.
Encouraging him/her to open up about his/her feelings, allocating a special time, showing that he/she is not responsible for the divorce. It is useful to frequently emphasize that the child's care will continue and that he/she is safe, and to ensure regular visits of the parent who does not stay together.
School Age (7-8 years): Begins to understand divorce. He realizes that the parents will no longer be together and will not be able to love each other the way they used to. He experiences the feeling of losing a relative. He may still hold out hope for the parents to come together. He/she may experience physical problems such as the feeling of not being wanted by the parent who leaves home, neglect of school and friends, anxiety about the future, sleep and appetite problems, headache and abdominal pain, diarrhea, and frequent toilet trips. He may have the fear that no one will wait for him after school.
He should be given the courage to open up about his feelings without using hurtful expressions, all his questions should be answered and the door to dialogue should always be kept open, one should be sensitive to the signs of psychological problems such as fear and depression, and if necessary, professional help should be sought. It is useful to create special times to spend together, to explain that everything is normal, but that it will be different than before, and to respect the child's private life.
Pre-adolescents and adolescents: They understand the divorce, but they may not accept it. They may be angry and frustrated. They may feel ashamed of this situation. One may experience a feeling of abandonment by the parent they are not with, an attempt to establish control in the family, exaggerated behavior (positive or negative), risky behavior (such as truancy, theft, substance use, etc.). An attempt to be an "angel" to bring the family together can be seen. They feel like they will grow up quickly. They may tend to exclude one or both parents from their lives, thinking that they are unwanted.
It is useful to talk, establish two-way communication, and continue daily life at every stage of divorce. Moreover; It is important to remind that this is the parents' problem and to prevent them from feeling guilty, not to involve the child in parental conflicts, and not to put the child in the place of the other parent (mother or father). Professional help should be sought if necessary.
RECOMMENDATIONS
Many children may think that their parents did not get along and divorced because of them. For this reason, parents should explain the reasons for divorce to their children together, if possible, in a language they can understand.
It is necessary to inform and raise awareness of the child about what divorce is and what changes may occur in the lives of the mother, father and child after the divorce. When decisions regarding new regulations are made, the child's consent should be obtained, but the child should not be crushed under the responsibility of decision-making.
During the divorce process, the caregiver, city or house change, etc. Life changes such as these should be postponed. If there are some changes that must be experienced, efforts can be made to make gradual transitions to them. Because every change, even if it is positive, requires extra effort and it may be difficult for your child to adapt to all of it. For this reason, whichever of the spouses the child will stay with after the divorce, he and the child should continue to live in the place where the family lived before the divorce.
The times that the mother or father who leaves the house will spend with their children should be at a feasible and periodic level. Knowing that children can see their mother or father regularly even if they leave home can help them gain a sense of trust and accept this situation more easily.
Watching the separation. Since the first year is a period of "emotional shock" for the parties, if the mother or father is going to get a second marriage, it may be better if it happens after this period.
Parents should not forget that they have separated from each other, but they have not separated from being a mother and father, and they should make sure that the child understands this. .
Parents should never use their children against each other. Spouses should not ask their children to take sides in their divorce, to be arbitrators, to determine right or wrong, good or bad. At the same time, parents should not express their negative feelings towards each other in front of their children.
Words and behaviors that will reinforce children's feelings of guilt due to divorce should be avoided. For example, “If you hadn't done ......................... "There was a fight for no reason because of you."
The families of each parent should be informed of the decisions taken as a result of the divorce. Cooperation should be sought to help the child overcome emotional difficulties more easily.
Mutual negative emotions should not be expressed in front of the child. Especially when sharing divorce-related issues with other members of the family, friends and neighbors, care should be taken to ensure that children are not in the same environment.
A balanced and equal approach to the child should be made in both homes. Neither party should act to fulfill whatever the child wants, for whatever reason. For example, you cannot make your child less affected by the divorce by getting and doing whatever he wants; You will only cause him to become an insatiable child.
Taking into consideration the possibility that this situation may be reflected in your school-age child's lessons, you can meet with the classroom teacher and the school psychological counselor and start a joint study. It is important for the child to know that there are professional people he can consult when he has a problem.
If the parents cannot find the strength to cope with these problems; It would be beneficial for them to get help from an expert.
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