Most of us have witnessed scenes of children crying until they get what they want in shopping malls, restaurants, toy stores, on the street, holding their mother's hand with one hand while trying to hit her with the other, throwing everything they can get their hands on, and even throwing themselves on the ground. Many children start the day by saying "I don't want to wash my face", "I won't wear that sweater", "I won't have breakfast", "I won't sit in my car seat", "I won't go to school" and end the day by saying "I won't wear my pajamas", "I won't brush my teeth", "I won't sleep in my bed".
We observed that stubborn behavior in children is the issue that families complain about the most and that they have a lot of hesitation about how to deal with this behavior. Therefore, we would like to first include the reasons for stubborn behavior and then some solution suggestions.
Stubbornness; It is part of the child's emotional development. It is more evident between the ages of 2 and 6. The child shows stubborn behavior in parallel with the development of the sense of "I" and the emergence of the desire to be independent.
The child at the age of 2 begins to show stubborn behavior after gaining the ability to walk and talk. He seems to enjoy doing the opposite of what his parents say. "Don't do that!" The more he says, the more he repeats the undesirable behavior. In this process, which can extend up to 4 years of age, the child has difficulty in adapting as he develops rapidly physically (muscle, bone, nervous system). Unbalanced, indecisive, negative, saying “no!” to everything. They display a rebellious personality.
He strives for independence. He doesn't ask for help. However, he is aware that he also needs parents. That's why he oscillates between opposing behaviors. The most frequent arguments with the mother occur about toilet and food.
In the 4-year-old period, the child exhibits attitudes such as being independent, wandering around, talking a lot, constantly asking questions but not having the patience to listen to the answer, and leaving the job he started unfinished.
While the 5-year-old child draws a more positive, rule-abiding, docile portrait, the 6-year-old child seems to have regressed to the age of 2 with his stubborn and negative behavior.
As can be seen, children are in these periods. Showing stubborn and negative behavior is actually an expected situation in terms of developmental processes. with some psychologist They call this period "Early Adolescence". Even though the behavior itself is negative, its source is actually positive. Because the developing child is energetic and curious. He is trying to gain a strong sense of self and have his existence confirmed.
This period should be viewed as a good opportunity to establish rules and boundaries. In this process, the best attitude is to support your child to gain independence. However, when it comes to how we should approach a child who may tend towards these negative behaviors, first of all, we should not be stubborn with a stubborn child. Of course, shouting, making threats and giving irrelevant punishments will not work either.
Correct Communication: Explain in short sentences the behavior you expect from the child and the logical reasons for this expectation. You may think that your child is too young and will not understand. But in fact, you can even explain the flow of the day to your baby. Even if the baby does not understand you cognitively, he will register your calm tone of voice, facial expressions and expressions and will understand you more easily in the future. Look at these statements as "investments". So don't give up talking to your child and explaining the rules to him.
Right Expectations: Do not set rules that exceed your child's level, set age-appropriate goals that they can reach in short periods of time.
Be Calm and Patient: Cope with your child's stubborn attitudes and use positive attitudes. Consider establishing behaviors as a task that you will need to work on for a while. During this period, it may be beneficial to reduce home visits, that is, interaction with strangers.
Determination and Consistency: After you logically target the desired behaviors and the rules you set and explain them to your child, first apply them decisively and consistently and do not compromise.
All this. Despite your constructive attitudes, you may think that you are not yet where you aim. Because some children can be a little more difficult with their persistent attitudes, crankiness and temper tantrums. For example, let's go back to the crying child at the mall. Many parents, in such a situation, first have to be patient for a certain period of time, depending on their level of fatigue. Bottom tries to persuade the child. Then, out of concern that the people around him will be disturbed or because he can no longer tolerate it, he does what the child wants.
Even this single example is enough to create the thought pattern of "If I persevere enough, I can get what I want" in the child. Because he understands that he has control over events. That's why he will continue this behavior at an even faster pace and will test your patience even further. But you can also deal with these “more” stubborn children.
First of all, do not think that your child is in some spiritual vortex that you are not aware of or cannot understand, and therefore you are helpless to intervene. Remember that the child goes through a period in their development process and this can be overcome with your attitudes.
Being involved in daily routines and decisions is the need of children as much as adults. Giving freedom to choose by offering alternatives to a child who wants to control what is happening will prevent many negative behaviors. First of all, we want to give an example of what can be done before the child reaches that difficult point. Because it is more difficult to go back from the point where the child thinks he can control events as he wishes.
Power Struggle: If your child empties his toys from his basket all day long, but when it's time to collect them, he dives into another activity...
Play the Time Game: Stubborn children often love games that evoke a sense of challenge. The obstacles to be overcome are just for them. You can set a time limit and collect the toys within that time. When he collects it, you can give him a sticker as a gift.
Honor him to be your “helper”: “Would you like to be my helper today?” You can include them in simple tasks such as setting the table or folding laundry. He/she will think that sharing your chores by being with you is a privilege and that it is part of the control of the house.
Use Positive Language: Construct your sentences in an encouraging and supportive way. “No going to the park without collecting your toys!” Instead of shouting, "We're going to the park as soon as we collect our toys." to say The message is different. While the first sentence introduces the subject to persuasion, the second sentence indicates an order of occurrence. If the child still insists, “but I want to go to the park”; You can say, “Okay, we'll go as soon as you collect your toys.” In this way, you will both confirm that you approve of the park request and clarify your expectations from him/her
Bedtime Battle: If you have a certain routine with your child before sleep, such as taking a bath first, as soon as the child gets out of the tub. He knows he has to go to bed. He will do his best not to go.
“Yes” Game: Ask questions that can get three “yes” answers in a row. These “yes” answers will break the child's resistance.
For example; “Playing with toys in the bathtub is so much fun
isn't it?” - “yes”,
“Can that dinosaur swim?” –“yes, look and watch”
“Can you hold the bubbles with your hand” –“yes”
Suggest an Alternative: Gently approach the next step by giving the opportunity to choose direct. By asking "Do you want to dry yourself or should I help you?", you will start this process with a smooth transition, instead of directly reminding you of bedtime. While getting dressed, I asked, “Which book should we read tonight, A or B?” You can continue with a question that allows you to choose, such as: A stubborn child may insistently say, "No, I don't want any of it, I won't sleep." In this case, repeat his choices, and if he still insists, turn off the light by saying "I guess you didn't choose a book for tonight, we can read it tomorrow night, good night." From this point on, do not back down from your decision.
Wardrobe Battle: For a stubborn child, a wardrobe overflowing with clothes is a provocation. It provides the perfect basis for bringing together incompatible clothes and being persistent in doing so. First of all, remove from the closet clothes that are not suitable for the season or clothes that have become too small, shortened, torn, or have stains on them. Place several sets of clothes that you have prepared thoroughly in your closet, in rotation, every few weeks. Offer him 2 different sets as a choice the night before. Thus, while the child has the right to choose among these, At the same time, you will prevent him from wearing inappropriate clothes and having this battle in the morning rush.
The Coat Phenomenon: Do not insist on a child who insists on not wearing his coat when going out in freezing weather. Take your coat with you. A few minutes later, when he gets cold, his coat will be the thing he wants to see most in the world. Alternatively, you can consider hanging his jacket on his bag or having him carry it.
Above, we tried to give examples of the most common situations in daily life and how we can approach them. However, for some children, the stubborn behavior pattern has already been acquired and it may be too late for these tactics. In this case, in order to regain control as parents, more effective, more determined and more sanctioning methods should be adopted. For example; It is no use trying to persuade a child, who cries tirelessly for hours until his wishes are done, with explanations. The conversation with this child, who has already passed the point of being convinced, should be stopped at that moment and this behavior should be ignored.
With this method, which we call Active Ignoring, we must "ignore" the child in an area where we can see him. In other words, we must remain indifferent to this behavior by ensuring that the child is under our control and in front of our eyes so that he does not physically harm himself. We can break eye contact and verbal communication until he calms down, by moving on to something else. This method will show its effect sooner or later. However, in cases where you cannot break the child's resistance, you can try the time-out method.
Break Method; is to take the child to a corner and help him/her calm down. The child should not be allowed to talk or play during this time. Our goal is not for the child to have fun and be satisfied with the situation, but to ensure that the child understands where the boundaries end and the consequences of his actions. Might try to leave the break point. You can say that the time he leaves will be added to the time he has to wait. However, make sure that the total duration is not so long that the child forgets what he is there for. But never compromise your rules. The child should know clearly what you expect from him.
Determination and Consistency
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