The way to establish a relationship within the family without conflict is through healthy communication. Communication is the process of transmitting a message from a sender to a receiver. In order for communication to be healthy, both the sender and the receiver must be mentally healthy. If the sender is healthy and the other has a problem, the message will be perceived as distorted in proportion to the mental problem. In such a case, we cannot talk about a healthy communication.
Having positive feelings about yourself is the first rule of healthy communication.
In order to establish healthy communication, one must first love oneself. For someone who does not love himself, who sees himself as worthless, spouse, child or parent, the others are meaningless. But for someone who values himself and is happy internally, other people have meaning. Only then can one care about others. Because the person establishes a relationship with himself, he establishes relationships with other people, especially with family members. When someone treats him well, he feels very good and loved, while he feels valuable, when he treats him badly, he perceives him as a worthless, bad person. This is a huge communication barrier. Because a person cannot be all bad or all good. It's a combination of the two. However, sometimes a person cannot perceive himself as a whole. It's either good or bad. This is determined by what emotion the other person is looking at at that moment.
For example, her partner who had a bad day comes home very sullen and speaks coldly. In the face of this situation, the person may feel like this: "He is not happy to see me, he does not like to spend time with me. I am worthless. I'm not worthy of being loved." Even if his partner values him in general, he may perceive himself on the bad end just because of this incident. Or vice versa, the partner is very pleasant and happy, so if he looks positive, the person feels overvalued and immediately switches to the good side. In both cases, the person perceives himself according to the feelings of his partner, not according to his own inner sense of worthiness. This is something pathological. Perceiving oneself as a whole with its good and bad aspects is a skill that needs to be developed until the age of five. If the age of 0-6 is problematic, unfortunately, the person cannot realize this integration. z.
Transferring negative emotions to each other in the family is a major obstacle to communication.
Negative emotion transfer, trying to relax by making the other party feel unconscious negative emotions instead of giving information or solving problems while communicating. It means. These behaviors can be done verbally as well as with tone of voice, facial expressions or body language.
The person needs a receiver to convey their negative emotion. If there is a key, there must be a lock. If there is no one who throws a negative emotion, if there is no one to take that emotion, after a while, he will stop conveying negative emotions and be left alone with the emotions he wants to impose on the other. unconscious behaviors. It creates a feeling of imperfection, worthlessness and being attacked on the other side.
Another way to convey negative emotions is to occupy the other person. Occupation means forcing the other person to meet their own needs without seeing the needs of the other person, in other words, capturing the other's life. For example, one partner wants to be alone and the other wants intimacy. The partner who wants to establish intimacy invades the other person when he forces the partner to establish intimacy by tripping or criticizing, in an aggressive or loving manner. A woman who does not send her husband to a game with her friends because she is alone; or a man who interferes with his wife's clothing… Both limit the living space of the other, it means occupying his self. The same mechanism applies to the relationship with the child. It is an occupation when parents ignore the needs of the child and impose their own needs on him. Negative feelings such as suffocation, boredom, not being seen, being swallowed, disappearing and helplessness awaken in people who are occupied. Although these people cannot physically end the relationship, they will end it emotionally. Family members start to use the house as a hotel; they become strangers living in the same house.
Sometimes, one perceives family members or friends as part of one's self. Like being unworthy, being wrong when others disagree or feel something different about the same event. he feels many bad feelings and immediately tries to attract people's feelings to his own. Trying to change the feelings and thoughts of others, trying to persuade them directly or indirectly is a problem that significantly disrupts relationships. What is healthy is for everyone to stay in their own feelings and relate in this way.
The present is not independent of the past. The positive or negative experiences that a person has today are nourished by the relationship he established with his primary caregivers during childhood.
Perception of self and the world develops in the 0-6 age range. From the first month after the baby is born, his mind is like an empty camera. He begins to record everything that happens around him, with its emotional tone. He takes the positive and negative feelings of all family members, especially his mother. It doesn't matter who owns the emotion. As he gets older, he separates good and bad feelings. When the same person gives good and bad feelings, they perceive him not as a single person, but as two separate people who give good and bad feelings. He perceives himself by dividing himself into the good me and the bad me. As the good feelings he receives from the environment increase, he eliminates this division around the age of 5 and becomes an integrated self with good and bad sides; an integrated perception of the other with its good and bad sides is formed. Again, around the age of 5, he starts to realize that he has his own limits and the limits of others. He begins to perceive that people can think differently from him. However, these abilities are shaped by the relationship with the primary caregiver. If caregivers have such problems, they pass it on to the child. And these problems are passed on from generation to generation.
Unfortunately, not everyone goes through this period in good health. As a result, the person experiences problems in family and close relationships. A spiritually immature person remains a child, even as an adult.
The first way to a solution is to notice the communication errors made. He may ask people he trusts to criticize him. When establishing a relationship, he can ask about the good and bad aspects. An outsider's comment is eye-opening. Introduces the person to himself.
The most important way to establish a healthy relationship is not to impose negative emotions. For this, the person needs to realize the negative emotions he wants to impose and work on them. negative emotion As they communicate without burdening, the depth, quality and efficiency of their relationships increase. He enjoys his relationship, learns and teaches.
If the person can stop, reduce and change himself as he realizes, he can continue his relationships without psychotherapy support. However, if these problems are too intense, they cannot solve them alone and their functionality begins to deteriorate in business and social life, especially in family relationships.
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