Although being a couple and being a spouse means acting together in a way, it is not possible to be the same and agree on everything. As far as I have seen and observed, the biggest disappointment of the couples I work with stems from this wrong expectation.
Agree that you cannot agree on everything!
The good times of many marriages and relationships are also due to this. As a therapist who has also seen bad days, I can say this; A life where you agreed on everything would be more boring than you think. While the irony of continuing a relationship with the same person and expecting extraordinary excitement from an already ongoing sameness is where the logic of the relationship is questioned, fortunately not compromising on everything may even be good news.
BUT HOW YOU DON'T COMPROMISE IS IMPORTANT!
The issues you cannot agree on may be related to your common life or national issues. You may not be able to agree on which school the children will go to, what plans to make for the holiday, or what furniture to buy for the house. While experiencing these, you may wonder, "But how can it be? Is it normal for us to have such different opinions?" You may also think .
I can say with peace of mind that it is quite normal. However, if you cannot stand having different ideas, or if you try to impose your own opinion, this can damage your relationship.
RECOGNIZE THE MOMENT YOU CROSS THE LINE.
Especially if you have been together for a long time. Couples can see their resentment from each other's looks, tone of voice or behavior. It would be a good move to stop at this point, change the tone, close the topic if it is not a very important issue, or postpone the conversation.
While some people can express their resentment by remaining silent, trying to close the topic, or calmly saying that they feel that they are not understood, some of us are more likely to express their anger. may express it with aggressive anger. What goes on in the inner world of the person showing both expressions is actually very similar. “I am not understood, therefore I may not be loved.”
This thought is truly hurtful and exhausting. If at this point the person cannot deal with his resentment and weariness, he can aim to balance it by breaking it in the next round. Such a situation is the basic purpose of being in a relationship. It completely takes the couple and the relationship away from the painful issue of "being accepted, understood and loved" and takes them to a very dangerous place.
WHERE THE RELATIONSHIP LOSES HEIGHT THE FASTEST!
This place is full of dysfunctional purposes such as making someone pay, taking revenge, making him understand what it's like, and it puts the relationship in a vicious circle. From this point on, the relationship rapidly loses altitude in a vicious circle.
That's why my advice to couples is, do not leave resentful when you cannot agree. If you are hurt, keep it to yourself and share it. If you have offended your spouse, notice the behavior that caused his/her resentment, try to look from his/her perspective without getting defensive.
RIGHT OR UNFAIR IN THE RELATIONSHIP; THERE IS NO WINNER OR LOSER.
Convince yourself that everyone can look from their own perspective, without trying to find the right one sometimes, knowing that if there is a loser, there will be no winner.
STAY ON THE BOUNDARY OF JUDGMENT WHEN CRITICISMING EACH OTHER!
To give an example, the most common thing I see in couples with children is criticizing each other's parenting.
Everyone has their share of a mother and a father, Everyone parenting in their own way. Even though suggestions are made at certain points, it can be hurtful to intervene completely in each other's parenting or to criticize places where you have no idea what they are doing.
For example, when a father who has never bathed the children before tells them that the children's hair is not clean, the woman may become enraged. Or, when a mother who has never taken her child to the park questions the father about why they are so dirty when they come from the park, the father may become angry.
And we already know that "anger is the form of resentment and fear wearing an I'm brave mask."
SHOULD WE NEVER CRITICIZE?
If your spouse is completely wrong about something, and you need to point out the wrong parts for his/her sake, of course it is our duty to help him/her find the truth. However, if you are going to make negative criticism, you should avoid blaming, listen to the reasons and needs of the situation, ask if there is an area you can support in this regard, and mention your partner's positive characteristics. You can cultivate it. Starting the topic in a positive way and ending it in a positive way will make your negative criticism seem more acceptable and friendly.
For example; “You don't make any effort to look for a job, I think you're used to laziness.” Instead of saying; “You had a very good job before, and you rose up so quickly, I think you haven't been very keen on looking for a job for a while. Could I be wrong? If you say this, it will enable your partner to tell what is happening in his own world without getting defensive and the message you want to give will reach the right place.
Because an accusatory language is responded to with a defensive language.
Language is the presentation of life, language is the bone of emotion, Language is the body of thought. He is the one who can break tongues; as much as it can repair.
And relationship... It is not a mind game, but a game of desire.
Hoping for a relationship in which all your desires are satisfied,
Let it be healing.
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