While the word "cheating" is disturbing in itself, we can more or less guess how hurtful it can be when it actually happens to us. But it is not possible for those who do not truly experience the damage to fully feel it. Indeed, this is the sentence most clearly made by those who have been deceived on the subject: "You don't know how it hurts". So, if the common point of everyone who has been cheated on is "pain", why is the course of events different after being cheated on? Some pack their bags and leave without looking back, while others choose to stay or get by. I prefer to explain this with the following example: as you know, physiologically we all have a pain threshold. For example, let's assume that three people hit the same place with their knees at the same speed at the same time. While one's knee may bruise, another's knee may bleed, while another may just rub his knee and ignore the incident. I think our soul also has such a pain threshold. This threshold of pain is shaped by the characteristics of all of us, starting from our childhood, and sometimes even innate. Our relationships with our parents, our family life, our upbringing, the behavioral patterns we have acquired today, our beliefs, our manners and culture levels, what we have acquired from the social environment, our coping skills and many other dynamics have different meanings that we attribute to natural situations... For example: "cheating" according to someone. While it may be "the spouse hiding something knowing that he/she will be angry or upset if he/she finds out", it may also be "sexual intercourse" for someone else, or "flirting" for someone else. With all these differences, the reaction to being "cheated" naturally varies. We can collect these differences under three main headings.
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Ending the marriage/partnership under any circumstances,
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With the existence of obligations, continuing the relationship,
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Continuing the marriage/cohabitation by ignoring it.
All three situations are unhealthy in their own way if they are not managed well. is capable of producing consequences. There is an acceptance in the group that continues the marriage without caring. "I'm being cheated on but I can't break up, I love you, I can't bear it" are among the sentences we hear frequently. Under this, against the spouse It may be due to unhealthy addiction or the "take it all, give it a try" mentality developed out of fear of losing good living conditions. In such cases, help is not requested unless the relationship of interest is interrupted or the deceived spouse does not realize his addiction.
There is "indigestion" at the root of the behaviors exhibited, especially in the first two cases, and a mental structure in which similar questions float in the air. comes into play.
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Why was I cheated on?
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Is she more beautiful/handsome than me?
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Am I missing something?
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What did I do to deserve it?
Most of these questions are about the person who was deceived. It brings about answers that question your trust. However, it should be known that no question or answer can justify being deceived. The majority of the rapid reactions upon learning that you have been deceived are reactions given without being able to coordinate your heart and brain in the heat of the situation. Considering that these reactions are usually made to make the cheater suffer and take revenge quickly, we see that maintaining composure is very important here. Because you can indirectly put yourself or your family members in the same trap. We can list some of the mistakes made along with quick decision-making as follows; It may cause you to lose your self-esteem and increase your feeling of worthlessness.
Informing children biasedly about the issue may negatively affect their psychological development.
Invoking family elders in times of anger can cause irreversible wounds in relationships.
Failure to maintain calm can lead to violence and irreversible "killing". It can lead to actions.
Not knowing what to do, turning to alcohol and sleeping pills can deepen psychological wounds.
Seeking advice from others can make things worse. It can cause it to become very unbearable.
The fact that the attitude towards the spouse is angry and more damaging may later prevent the decision to continue the marriage and carry it out, or it may not be possible. When a divorce is necessary, it may cause the process to become more difficult or longer.
As soon as you find out that you have been deceived based on all these and many similar reasons, it is very important to consciously continue the process by getting help rather than struggling alone. It is important. In particular, the solution to the "trust" problem is very valuable for the process. I know you feel like your trust in your partner has been destroyed or shaken. You may think that nothing will ever be as beautiful as before. I understand... But remember that there are still things that can be done. Especially if you fall into the second group;
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Being unable to cope with economic difficulties,
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Knowing that you will be subject to the sanctions of customs,
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If you have to continue the marriage due to reasons such as the fact that the children are in good condition and you want the continuity of this, etc. You will see that your coping skills increase. If you can't get help, try speaking with a calm body language and tone of voice in a suitable environment instead of jumping in suddenly. However, this speech should not contain accusatory attitudes and words. Rather, talk about your feelings and ask him to explain the reasons for his cheating. Try to chart a course for yourself in the light of his explanations. If you are convinced that you can still continue your marriage, do not constantly worry about the issue. You can start by renewing and improving yourself. This renewal and development does not mean creating new spaces that will alienate you from your family and pretending to be someone you are not. Please don't ignore this. For example, you can make an effort to break the monotony. For example;
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Create innovative activities that you can do with your spouse,
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Try to improve the weak points in your marriage,
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Make more time for each other. Talk about things you haven't talked about before,
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Don't try to forget or try to cover it up,
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Small things happen rather than making big sacrifices. Try to make speeches containing hugs, words of respect and love,
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Stand upright and make them feel that they will suffer losses if the same thing happens again. Be patient, do not act hastily.
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Ignore the pressures to divorce or continue your marriage and be solely responsible for the decision you make.
>Let's not forget that although it may seem difficult to repair, you may have the chance to continue on your path stronger because you will have resolved many small problems that you did not know existed in the past. Despite all this, there may be situations that cannot be repaired and require divorce. Managing these well is also important in terms of not having any regrets when you look back in the future.
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