Perhaps one of the most difficult issues for parents is that the child does not listen to the rules at home, constantly gets stubborn with his parents, and gets his requests done by crying. If you say, "My child is always being stubborn with me," "He doesn't do anything I say," "He cries to get me to do everything he wants," "He always says no to anything we say," your child may be being stubborn with you. It is very important to know the underlying reason for this stubbornness and to communicate with the child in healthy ways.
As the child, who was dependent on the parent during infancy, begins to walk and talk, he gradually begins to become independent and explore his environment. During this period, he sometimes does things that his mother or caregiver tells him not to do. In this case, mothers may say, "He is doing it by looking into my eyes", "He is doing it on purpose", "He is doing it to make me angry", but the child's purpose in being stubborn with his parent is not to annoy or enrage him, on the contrary, to see what kind of reaction will come to his behavior, to measure his limits and It is a search for trust and love from one's parents. The answers he receives from his parents in response to his behavior are also very important in shaping the child's behavior.
The child, who begins to gain autonomy around the age of 2-4, begins to feel himself as an individual, realizes the things he likes and dislikes, the things he likes and dislikes, and can reject his parents' wishes and demands, and the things he does not want. He/she may become stubborn in the face of things and sometimes this may turn into crying spells. The child, who can express his needs more easily as his language development begins to accelerate, also begins to individualize and becomes aware of his independence by wanting to explore the environment. As he sees that he can do things on his own, he may go against his parents' wishes in order to discover both what he can do and his environment, and he wants to do and decide everything on his own. What actually means here is for the child's need to be recognized and the message "I am an individual too, I can do it myself." When he establishes a connection between emotions and thoughts and begins to express them, he begins to see that he does not have everything he wants. Although this situation sometimes turns into stubbornness and anger, the child needs to see that the parents are determined, calm and secure. With his attitude, after a while, he learns that not everything he wants will happen right away or he learns to postpone it and manage the process he goes through. Although this situation is actually a very healthy identity development process, it can sometimes turn into a situation that is very difficult for parents and turns into a crisis between the child and the parent. It is very important to remain calm, knowing that this process can be overcome and will pass after a certain period of time.
How should parents treat a stubborn child?
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The first step should be to know that this situation is a stage of individualization in the child's development and to analyze the process in a calm, compassionate, understanding and patient way without being stubborn with the child.
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Your reactions such as being stubborn with the child, shouting, punishing, being offended, threatening, or getting angry may cause your child to become angry.
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Allowing him to do what he wants by being stubborn and crying will reinforce this situation. Seeing that the rules change every time he cries, the child resorts to choosing his wishes by crying or being stubborn. Therefore, the message that the child gives by crying or being stubborn should be well understood
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Ignoring the child during periods of crying and anger, saying "Go to your room, cry" will mean ignoring the child, so crying is a sign. If it gives a message, it is important to make the child feel the message "I am here and I care about you" by being there.
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Whatever the issue he is stubborn about, appropriate solutions should be sought and his individualization should be supported. For example, instead of saying "No, you will eat this" to a child who does not want to eat, he can be asked to choose 2-3 options available at home.
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Supporting him in the things he wants to do on his own is very important for his individualization. For example, choosing the clothes he wants, etc.
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Instead of saying "No", it is very important to explain why what he wants cannot be done in an age-appropriate manner. It should not be forgotten that saying "no" leads to reinforcement of stubbornness.
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Doing whatever he wants without any rules and unlimitedly can also lead to restlessness and stubbornness in the child. with children They need boundaries to feel safe.
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It is important to remember that the child may become stubborn at certain critical periods and times. It is important to find solutions together for whatever issue he/she is stubborn about. However, if the child's stubbornness problem does not go away and continues to increase, it is very important to get support from an expert to overcome this process in a healthy way.
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