''My daughter has a boyfriend, how can this happen!.. Can she have a boyfriend at this age?...They don't know what love is!.... This kind of thing does not suit our family!… My child cannot look at others differently!… Flirting or having sex with the opposite sex cannot and should not happen at this age!… How can my child do this?….''
To you Let me give you good news; When we look at parental attitudes in recent years, families can react more positively to situations of getting close to the opposite sex or dating (making friends). As families know the characteristics of the period and attach importance to the fact that such things are inevitable, parents can approach their children with more love.
Just as friendship relations during adolescence are important, romantic peer relationships are also important issues of this period. As a result of the research, we can see that no matter what age we are in, when we look at friendships with the opposite sex (marriage, partnership, engagement or acquaintance stages), the effects of family culture and mentality are great.
During adolescence, adolescents are intensely involved in physical and emotional experiencing hormonal changes. While trying to keep up with these rapid changes, adolescents begin to develop new and different emotional feelings. Since there are social and emotional changes along with cognitive, verbal and logical changes during adolescence, the adolescent's communication with his family and friends also diversifies.
Adolescence period; While it is divided into pre-adolescence, middle adolescence and late adolescence, the tendency to be excessively interested in the opposite sex is most seen in middle adolescence.
During the middle adolescence between the ages of 4-18, the young person's body, spiritual development and sexual development, There is a pace and change that is difficult to adapt to. With the intense emotional flux experienced under the influence of these changes and the effort to assert their independence, adolescents need to connect to someone and need someone's support and attention in their struggle for independence.
The desire to be valuable and to be noticed, which is inherent in every human being, comes with intense hormonal changes during adolescence. rises to a higher level with change. For this reason, to be noticed and the opposite sex Various methods are tried to attract his attention, and mutual liking later turns into friendship (flirting). The age of first forming a friendship with the opposite sex varies from person to person. The question of what age period this age should be is a matter open to debate.
Whether it is between same-sex or opposite-sex relationships; The basic need in adolescence is approval, acceptance and admiration. How the adolescent is viewed by the opposite sex is a matter of great curiosity. His ideas about his own image are shaped by the reactions of others, in other words, he begins to recognize himself. From this perspective, relationships with the opposite sex during this period are very instructive in terms of getting to know both oneself and the opposite sex and discovering their limits, and are effective in preparing for the future.
Peer relationships and emotional relationships in adolescence vary from culture to culture. When the ways and processes of making a girlfriend or boyfriend are discussed in different cultures, we can see that this situation is gradually becoming normal in our country. As our perspective as a society changes, our reactions to our children also change. An important issue in our country is the presence of future anxiety and fear of exams in the lives of adolescents. Adolescents, who start studying for the entrance exams for the second stage of primary education starting from pre-adolescence, later focus on preparing for the university exam in order to acquire a profession. Considering that the dimensions of friendship and romantic relationships experienced during adolescence in our country have become more important along with exam anxiety, we can see that the adolescent's greatest need in this period is actually the feeling of "trust".
Relationships as Adolescents See Their Families. Establishing
*During adolescence, some of the adolescents show fear and shyness towards the opposite sex.
The reason for this shyness is due to incomplete knowledge about sexual development or from poor conditioning, negative peer or family relationships, etc. can be caused by The adolescent should be told that this situation is temporary and that boy-girl friendship is not something to be afraid of. If the adolescent cannot talk about such issues within the family or if he is embarrassed when these topics are brought up, it is inevitable that he will feel ashamed of himself.
*Another issue is the approach of the mother and father to each other within the family.
The adolescent is happy within the family. If he can see and feel the idea of trust and valuing individual differences, which are the cornerstones of a marriage, he will reflect this in his friendships. For example; How could a man who puts excessive pressure on his girlfriend and communicates with imperative sentences learn to interpret the way he initiates and maintains a relationship in this way?
The issue of relationships with the opposite sex worries parents
One of the most basic characteristics of adolescence is self-assertion in the circle of friends and dependence on the external social environment. A teenager, whose family communication is not as strong as before, tries to complete himself by trying to get away from his family in a world he has created for himself. Families often have difficulty making sense of this process, because the family, who thinks that their children are moving away from them and that the bonds between them are broken, begin to feel inadequate and start to act with anger.
Especially young adolescents are easily influenced and are in a search. Especially the issues of sexuality and relationships with the opposite sex make parents very worried and even do not know how to treat their children. Generally, this anxiety is reflected in young people in the form of restrictions and prohibitions. The more information families have about this special period, the less their anxiety will be.
If parents realize that almost all young people in the world experience similar problems during the same age period, they will think that they are not alone and will easily understand this period. It would be correct to evaluate the adolescent's relationships with the opposite sex in this context and monitor them without panicking. In this way, the way is kept open for the young person to ask questions and share things with the parent he finds close to him.
Families cannot express their real concerns
The intense anxiety and panic experienced by the families make the families feel uneasy. It pushes people to have wrong attitudes and behaviors. At times, excessive restrictions and privacy Behaviors such as excessive intervention in public areas, preventing communication with the opposite sex, and imposing prohibitions make young people more insecure and cause family communication to deteriorate day by day. As a result, young people cannot understand the real concerns of their families, and young people try to relax by sharing this situation with their friends. The reason for the anxiety within the family is the fear that something bad will happen to the young person, that he will be harmed and upset. What parents need to do in this difficult process is to support their children and make them feel how valuable they are. A young person who knows that he is valuable, loved and cared for will not need experiences that will get him into trouble to prove himself and will know how to protect himself. It should not be forgotten that the observations, experiences, mistakes and truths accumulated throughout adolescence come together and play an important role in the formation of personality.
Points to Consider:
* Do not compare what we experienced with our children in our own periods with their current period. Remember.. You are not living at the same time..
*Do not ignore your children's feelings. Value what they feel and don't embarrass them.
*Give your children the confidence to share their boyfriend or girlfriend experiences. It is important for them to express their feelings to people they trust.
*Instead of excessively intervening in your children's private areas such as phones, computers, etc., it is better to give your children the necessary importance and trust.
*When we think of the opposite sex, we think of it. Let's not create bad scenarios for the future and share them with our children. Not every friendship may be dangerous, on the contrary, it can be healing and supportive.
*When we find out that your teenager has friends with the opposite sex, it is important to convey that there is nothing that should be hidden from family members. For example; In Turkish society, mothers hide such situations of their daughters from their fathers.
*Not every young child experiences academic inadequacy or failure due to their friendship with the opposite sex. So, when your children are faced with academic results they do not want, try to pin the problem down to one reason. We should consider it as a whole, not separately.
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