In my previous articles, I mentioned that marriage is when two people with different characters come together and create a common life without harming their own autonomy.
People can live with their families or alone before marriage. This is an indication that they will have many different habits. If a man living alone has a normal income level, he can be more careful about the order of the house, cooking and personal care.
On the other hand, a man living with his family may act more carelessly in matters such as the order of the house, personal care and maintaining his own order, etc., since all his needs are probably met by his mother. A man with this habit will generally expect his wife to provide the order in the house that he sees from his mother.
If the woman is not working, an appropriate distribution of duties is for the man to go to work during the day and the woman to keep the house in order. The biggest mistake spouses make regarding household organization is to accept expectations as tasks that the other party is obliged to do. It is a distribution of duties for the man to work and for the woman to organize the house, but it is not an obligation. Women can work just like men. If the man is working while the woman is working, the duties at home should be shared appropriately. If the man is not working, he can support the order of the house during the day.
The personal care habits of men and women reach their maximum point during the dating phase and slowly begin to lose altitude after marriage :)
This is one of the biggest mistakes in marriage. People who interact with us, both in marriage and in other social relationships in our lives, have the right to see people who are clean, smell good and are properly dressed; this is a measure of civilization. Being well-groomed does not mean using expensive creams, expensive scents or materials, but a clean body, clean and neat clothes, combed hair, clean teeth.
A woman or a man sees that their spouse attaches importance to their personal care before marriage and When he sees that he has become a careless person who does not care about his cleanliness and clothing, he will inevitably be able to distance himself from his spouse as a result of this bad change.
Let's not forget that falling in love or being in love, getting married, is always in the same environment with someone whose teeth are yellow, his clothes are careless, his hair is messy, and he does not smell good. It is not an obligation to be in the same bed, to have sexual intercourse.
One of the other mistakes in marriage is communication problems. Spouses not listening to each other, not trying to understand each other, constantly making critical and accusatory approaches, trying to discuss problems at inappropriate times cause conversations to turn into arguments, and as each conversation turns into an argument, one of the spouses starts to avoid dialogue, and for this reason, the problems are not solved but become chronic.
In marriage, Another behavior that causes problems is that spouses do not give each other private space. As I always emphasize, marriage is when two people with completely different characters come together and create common pleasures and shares while maintaining their own special pleasures. Neither party should be forced to forget the life, habits, friendships and pleasures they lived until the day of marriage. The things that make us happy in our lives, which we have to give up under pressure and force, will not only harm our mental health, but will also cause us not to have good feelings towards the facts that cause them. If the reason for this is spouse and marriage, it will result in alienation from spouse and marriage. Not having time for personal care is a complete excuse, because no matter how busy and tired we are, it takes 5 minutes to take a shower, 3 minutes to brush our teeth, 5 minutes to comb our hair and do an emergency make-up if we are a woman. And everyone should have 15 minutes a day to spare for themselves in their life. In my future articles, I will also give information about how we can be new mothers and use our time efficiently and spare time for ourselves.
Yes, one of the most important problems in marriage is families. Especially the conflict between men and women in a patriarchal structure, the inability of spouses to approach each other's families empathetically enough, and the families' inability to empathize enough with the couples. In cases such as inability to approach, domestic unrest occurs a lot. Families are indispensable parts of marriage. Our families that we lived in until we got married, that raised us, prepared us for life, and protected us, will remain our family after we get married. In marriage, it is very important to establish a healthy balance between our nuclear family and both our own family and our spouse's family. Our spouse's family may have a very different understanding than our family, us, and the environment in which we grew up. After this age, it is not possible to change neither their thoughts nor their perspectives. One of the mistakes to be made in marriage is to try to adapt our spouse's family to our own lifestyle and beliefs, just like our spouse.
The best course of action here is to try to understand our spouse's family, without compromising our autonomy, to put ourselves in their place, to try to talk to them about the situations and behaviors that disturb us by explaining our feelings in the language of me, to never speak ill of our families and our spouse, to communicate between our own family and our spouse. Being a healthy and rational bridge, directing our spouse to the same behavior, solving the problems with our spouse's family with healthy and correct approaches of our own will, never without using our spouse as an intermediary, and allocating enough time for both families without losing our structure as a nuclear family. One of the biggest mistakes to make is to leave our spouse between us and his family and force him to make a choice, to constantly complain to his family, to stay away from his family and force him to stay away too. will result
Let's not forget that people who are torn between their spouse and family in their marriage will never be able to have a healthy enough relationship, domestic unrest will always continue, and both spouses and families will be extremely upset.
Another mistake in marriage is to set our expectations for our spouse higher than his/her capacity to give. We should always determine our expectations by taking into account the character of our spouse, the attitudes and behaviors he has shown so far. Because we exceed our expectations, whether it be attention, romance, If we hold it too high on other issues, we will constantly pressure the other person in order to get them when we cannot see them from the other person, and as a result, this will cause constant arguments and unrest. The healthiest way to behave would be to talk to our partner about the approaches we desire and need in the relationship, at the right time and in the right tone, by expressing how we feel and what we need.
Another problem is the issue of raising children. It is very normal for people who grew up with two different perspectives and in different environments to want to raise their children with their own perspectives. However, parents who cannot agree on the same decision at the same time will not only become children's toys, but will also not be able to support the child's personality development and formation of correct behaviors. What needs to be done here, rather than our own perspectives, is to learn the most appropriate teaching and approach styles for our child with the support of experts, to teach the child with a common attitude, and above all, to be an example.
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