The greatest goal of all parents is to educate and raise their children in the best possible way and to prepare them for life in the best possible way. Every behavior of the parents has a different interpretation on the child. Families always think that they are giving the message they want to give with their actions. On the contrary, they cause the exact opposite of the messages they want to give to be perceived.
One of the biggest mistakes that families make when it comes to child development is the "reward method". According to research, Prof. from the University of Rochester. Edward Deci and Prof. from Stanford University. Mark Lepper argued that reward is a method that harms children rather than being a useful method. In addition, Alfie Kohn says, "The biggest factor that negatively affected attitudes was the reward and praise mechanism used by teachers and families."
What are families trying to do? It is to ensure the continuation of this attitude by rewarding the child for situations that the child does not want to do or does not like to do, but the family believes should be done. So, do we reward your child for watching TV all day, or wanting to eat fast food, or doing what he enjoys most all day and playing games? Most families don't do these things. Because these are things that the child enjoys doing anyway. So in what situations do we reward them? We reward you for doing your homework, going to school without any problems, studying, and eating the food you want. All of this makes the child say, "What you are doing is unpleasant and boring, I know it will be difficult for you to do this, but if you can do it, I will reward you for the trouble you have gone through." It gives the message. Because the child is aware of this; He does not receive rewards for the things he enjoys doing and does with pleasure. If something good had happened at school, he wouldn't need to get a reward. If doing homework was a fun thing, his mother wouldn't reward him for doing it anyway. You will start to think that they are rewarding him because all these are unpleasant things, and you will unconsciously give him this message. It is his responsibility to come to school without any problems. When it comes without any problems, it shows that he did it willingly and lovingly. In this case, rewarding him/her also It changes his positive perception about school and causes him to do it for reward rather than doing it willingly. When there is no reward, school begins to give him no pleasure. In this case, you will have to constantly give rewards to send him to school. And the value and size of this reward must gradually increase. Because a reward that is lower than the one you gave before will not satisfy him and he will start to push you harder and harder in school to get more. Psychologists call "hedonistic adaptation" when people get used to the things they have and enjoy those things less. Because of hedonistic adaptation, people are not motivated by the same reward because they get used to the rewards. To motivate the child again, you need to change the reward or give a larger reward, which is not a sustainable motivation tool. After a point you get stuck. When there is no reward, the child stops doing that task. This causes the child to get used to doing things with rewards and to demand rewards even for things that are his own responsibility. In this way, awareness of responsibility does not develop.
If we are having problems with the child in such situations, the first thing to do is to change ourselves and our perspective, not the child. Changing ourselves should be not only at the level of behavior but also at the level of thought. Whatever we do without changing our thoughts will not yield results. There is something easy and what is right in raising children. Establishing the right understanding takes time and effort. He who chooses the easy way today will struggle with the difficult tomorrow.
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