According to Robert Sternberg's triangle theory, which explains the dimensions of the relationship, three things are looked at to understand how well a relationship is going; passion, commitment, closeness.
Passion: sexual desire, emotional interest and concern between spouses…
Commitment: what spouses give to each other materially and spiritually (e.g. trust, comfort, order , financial power, children, peace…), plans and investments regarding their marriage, children, common ideals…
Intimacy: the material and spiritual closeness of the spouses to each other (e.g. physical contact, sharing emotions and thoughts, looking after each other's backs). looking after them, being curious about them, being able to listen to and understand each other…)
Passion is the driving force that makes the relationship work and activates it. Commitment leads people to invest in the relationship. Spouses invest in the relationship to the extent that they feel committed to each other. While this investment can be in material things, it can also include spiritual dimensions such as having a child, or values such as sacrifice, adaptation, and taking from others are also investments. The greater the investment, the more difficult it is to exit the relationship. Today, as individualization increases, people prefer to invest in themselves rather than in relationships, and this harms the family institution. Closeness is a mechanism that keeps people together and brings them back together in case of separation. In every relationship, people make mistakes towards each other, but forgiveness is not always easy. The greater the emotional closeness of spouses with each other, the more possible it is to forgive mistakes.
The ideal is for all three to be balanced in the relationship, but in some relationships, one may be more prominent than the others. However, if the spouses can compensate for these situations, the relationship can go well. However, an increase in imbalance or the complete absence of one will cause serious problems.
Wrong Ways of Getting Along: Unbalanced Power Distribution in the Family
In a healthy family, each person feels a part of the family. For this, everyone must be strong to varying degrees. If power is concentrated in a single person, the balance of the family will be disrupted and unrest and unhappiness will increase. Sometimes people may consent to this imbalance, but if this relationship continues without any problems, everything will be fine. It doesn't mean he pushed. Now let's give a few examples of these unstable situations.
The power lies in the house; Father, mother, grandfather or great-grandmother, it doesn't matter. One person in the family decides what to do. Right and wrong, what is appropriate and what is not, everything is ultimately presented to him for his approval, and in cases where he does not approve, either that behavior is not performed or a crisis occurs. He has the economic power, he monitors the family's income and expenses. He has the social power, he is the one who represents the family on the outside, decisions about where and what to do, who can marry whom, what to do and how are passed through his hands. He has the political power, he decides what is right and wrong, which party to vote for or whether to vote for. He decides who in the family can and cannot do what, he is the authority to get permission, he is the most authorized person. He surrounds the family, protects it, watches over everyone, and is actually well-intentioned. The purpose of all this authority is actually to protect the family, but he cannot see how much damage he is doing to the family.
The power lies with the person who seems weak; It is caused by excessive sensitivity towards a person in the family. Everyone is afraid of him/her getting hurt, upset or sick. Sometimes this happens to a child, and whatever he wants is done so that he doesn't cry or get upset. Sometimes he is the mentally ill, sometimes physically disabled, and sometimes the most fragile and touchy person in the family. This person has no political or economic power, but he threatens to make others angry, sick, and upset. Even if he does not openly threaten them, he somehow turns the other family members around with his stance and actions. However, we have no responsibility to make either our children or our parents happy. Circumstances or our desire to maintain our own boundaries can sometimes push someone to be unhappy. The best thing to do is to accompany him in his unhappiness. Giving him what he wants so that he doesn't get upset will make him more vulnerable and fragile to life.
The power belongs to the person who hides his authority; He makes himself seem weak and ignored. He does not raise his voice, but grumbles, mumbles, complains, grumbles. He is very self-sacrificing and always lived for others. He doesn't say clearly what he wants, but he wants to be understood. He always wants to have his own way, but he complains, "It's never my way." It's confusing but somehow He pulls other family members towards himself. The authority figure in the family seems to be someone else, but deep down it is the other person who manages and manipulates them. He gets people to do what he wants by indirectly telling them or complaining.
Acquiring Getting Along Skills
After all these negative examples, let's try to answer the question of how we can improve our relationship and how we can be spouses who get along well with each other. In fact, almost everyone has skills that they have discovered or acquired through their own experiences. Here I wanted to write down some skills that I see as basic and that will benefit people a lot if acquired.
Ability to regulate:
By regulating the electric current coming from the outside and making it suitable for the inside. Like a regulator, when one of the partners comes with high energy (intense anger or extreme sadness, etc.), the other can calm it down. If everyone reveals their own intense emotions, there will be no healthy communication. Regulating does not mean "keep calm, don't exaggerate, don't get angry." To regulate is to first accept it, that is, its emotion. Then reflect like a mirror; that is, showing that you understand and then showing compassion. Although the way of showing compassion varies from person to person; Hugging, touching, saying that you see his feelings, expressing that he is with you and similar approaches will help regulate it. In order to be active in this entire process, it is a prerequisite for a person to first gain the ability to regulate himself. Because the relationship can only handle someone coming with high energy. When two people come with great anger, no one can help each other, on the contrary, they get even more harm. Being able to regulate oneself and then one another is a skill acquired at a very early age, as a baby. If you were not able to acquire this when you were young, getting psychotherapy help will make things easier.
Ability to maintain healthy boundaries:
Every person is born uniquely and whole. However, the difficulties, pressures and interventions he experiences make people vulnerable to dangers. In this case, the person cannot protect his own boundaries. He cannot distinguish many things from the environment as right or wrong; he cannot distinguish between bad things and things he does not want. He lacks the will, power and stability to stop the Greeks. He can't say "no". However, every person should be able to be themselves, protect their own will, and decide what is good for them or not. Sometimes, on the contrary, they may invade someone else's space, thinking that they are protecting their boundaries. He never approaches behaviors that involve sacrifice, understanding and tolerance, which are essentially virtues. He is selfish but thinks he is protecting himself. There should be a boundary between spouses and each spouse should create space for themselves, but this should not alienate people from the morality of living together.
Ability to accept:
There are things we can change about ourselves, and there are also things we cannot change. For example, we cannot change the painful/sad events in our past, but we can reduce their effects. We cannot eliminate our anger, but we can prevent our anger from causing harm. We cannot change the people around us, our spouses and children, but it is in our power to change our relationships with them. Instead of devoting our energy to changing people, it will be very beneficial to accept what is as it is and focus on what we can change. I can't stop it from raining, but I can use an umbrella. In a poem he based on the Hittites, Wilfred Peterson says:
"Oh God, grant me the courage to change the things I can change,
patience to accept the things I cannot change,
Give me wisdom to know the difference between the two."
The life we live in can be very fast, confusing and challenging. When the pandemic is added to the increase in individualization, people experience serious loneliness and suffering. Moreover, no one even knows about it. A sincere and sincere family environment, where pain is shared, people can be themselves, and there is no need to pretend, will protect people from many evils and will be a hope for future generations.
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