“I am in pain, I am cold. I can't understand what happened. I was in a very comfortable place. Soft, warm, quiet. It's not like that now. I almost drowned. Where was I thrown like this? Where is this? There is a terrible noise. A brightness that hurts my eyes. There are moving lights, colorful. What are these? I am so afraid. I want to go back to where I just left. I can't stand this much sight and this much noise. It is best not to see or hear: to sleep. When I sleep well, I feel relaxed.
A problem started again, I don't know why. A great fear. This is something that threatens my existence in this new place I don't know where. I'm shouting. At the top of my lungs. What is this? I feel something. I will learn their names later on my lips and mouth... And a warmth that I feel again on my skin. I immediately take that soft thing between my lips. It fills my mouth. I want to buy more. I'm breathing it in. Something warm slides down my throat. It smells very nice. I feel great pleasure. My great distress and fear from before is starting to pass. Again, I learn later that I am full. What I put in my mouth was a breast, and what flowed down my throat was milk. I always learn the names of all of these and what they are later. But one thing I know is that they give me very good feelings, relieve my fears, and make me feel very comfortable. It's so nice to suck and then sleep.
This keeps repeating like this. That pleasant warmth that wanders and envelops my skin whenever I start to suffer, feel distressed and afraid. And what I drink. I can't even describe the amazing sensations I felt in my mouth. While this is slowly happening, an image begins to attract my attention: a face. While my life-threatening pain, hunger and fears pass, the same image always appears before me as I experience those great pleasures with what I put in my mouth and inside. In order to experience all these beauties, I need to shout a little first. Sometimes I have to shout a little louder and longer. Those joyful moments never seem to come. It happens again, just when I'm in a lot of pain and screaming a lot. That face is in front of me along with what I feel on my skin and lips. Begin to get full I feel like my pain, hunger, troubles and fears are pressing again. I don't understand why it takes so long. But then I see that face again. This time I feel really full and can fall asleep. So what just happened wasn't real. I could only understand this after repeating it many times. I just dreamed it. I was satisfied for a while with what I dreamed of. So there is an inside, my inside; My dreams are nourished from there, from what I put in; But these are not real, because they do not really meet my needs, they soothe them for a while. There is also something that truly satisfies, it comes from outside. So there is an inside and an outside. Inside and outside. In other words, there is only me and those outside me. When I scream, something comes from outside me, with breasts, milk and a face. an entity outside of me. I can touch it. I can feel it. I feel his touches on my skin. Every once in a while, I feel that I am both touching and being touched. Oh yes, this is me. I touch myself. Once again, I understand me and what's outside of me. I feel myself. I have a skin that distinguishes me from the outside. I feel it as everything outside touches it. This is how I discover my limits. The limits of my body. My skin surrounds me as a whole, creating a line that separates my outside and my inside, helping to define me as a separate entity. Of course, I cannot deny the help of those who touched me.
I see it whenever I experience distress, pain, fear. That magnificent being called mother. She comes and all my pain goes away after a while. It meets all my needs. It wraps, embraces, warms, soothes, satisfies and gives pleasure. My life completely depends on it. I am dependent on him, I am obliged to him. I can't live without him. That's exactly why I hate him, too. She has it all. She has generous, huge breasts. It's filled with milk. His strong arms embracing me, his warm skin... I feel so helpless next to him. This helplessness is driving me crazy. I bite her breasts with anger.
Meanwhile, the pleasure I got from sucking reached its peak. It was so good that I started sucking my finger too. When the breast is not enough, I put my finger in my mouth, suck it and sleep. ..."
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