A colleague's social media post recently caught my attention. What do you dislike, whether good or bad, that is done or said to your child by someone else? He asked. I thought for a moment and realized that I do not like any comments, good or bad, about my son's physical characteristics. Now, you may have pictured me as one of those mothers who suffer while their child is loved by someone else, but believe me, I am a very flexible and lovely mother, except for the smoking issue.
There is an attitude that I have observed in my son for a while; Even though I sometimes laugh at it, I actually don't like it. When he enters an environment, he wants to communicate with everyone. He somehow makes eye contact with everyone and performs his shows until he attracts attention from them. If someone in the environment is not interested in him, he uses all his energy to attract that person's attention, and when he finally receives a smile in return, he confidently walks away from the irresistibility of his charm. Although it seems cute for now due to its age, it may become unpleasant if it is fed by adults. In other words, when he gets what he wants, he can turn into those men who we reproach about in adulthood, who do not appreciate it when they get what they want. Worse, he may pretend to be dead on the sidelines and escape from environments where his talent or effort will be measured, out of concern for losing interest and popularity in a subject in which he can be very good.
So what do I mean? Of course, there are people around you who had bright student years in their childhood, who were labeled as 'this kid is very smart' by their friends, and who are not living the same bright life nowadays. So what happened to these smart kids that they couldn't show their performance while shaping their lives? The science of psychology was not a science that was so widely known in the days of the smart children of the past and the wasted children of today, and while everything was going well with the children, the child's sudden withdrawal, neglecting life, aggressive attitudes, and postponing his responsibilities were called spoiled. However, now parents are aware of this science and we receive feedback such as 'While everything was going great, our child's academics suddenly dropped' or 'We observe that he is stressed while taking the exams'.
Well, mostly why? These children get stressed and worried. I will continue by drawing your attention to the fact that this approach is not only about academic success, but also an issue that should be taken into consideration when communicating with children who are engaged in any activity... Families of children who follow their development as it should be or are a little ahead of their development in childhood usually say 'oh our child' to praise their children. He uses the expression 'very smart'. Although the child does not know what this means at an early age, as he grows older, he learns that this feature is a means of gaining value, love and attention in people. As he grows up, situations arise where this characteristic will be tested, and this is where anxiety begins for the child. Because failing this exam; He believes that it may pose a risk in terms of losing the love, attention and value he receives from the people he loves. In order not to risk these values, he withdraws from the race and, with various excuses, closes himself off to the test that will prevent him from being loved by those around him and develops defenses. Since he thinks that expressing his real fear is weakness, he tries to keep his family's attention by wearing various masks for this escape.
We can exemplify the same conflict for children whose physical characteristics are constantly emphasized and praised by their family and environment. A child who attracts attention with his relative physical advantages may resort to various interventions in order not to lose this feature, and while spending energy on this, he may neglect his personal development. And one day, when he realizes that his face does not look as babyish as before and that his hair is not as thick and remarkable as before, anxiety begins. It is no longer physical characteristics that make him exist in life, he has come to terms with this. When he realizes this, he will be greatly disappointed unless he has another feature that distinguishes him from others and makes him say "I'm here too."
Or let's think the opposite; A child who grows up with constant demoralizing and sarcastic comments about his mental or physical development may have difficulty managing this internal conflict during adolescence and may be dragged towards an unhappy future without being able to discover the aspects that can be improved. their actions, their efforts, their efforts, their struggles, their interests Supporting and emphasizing their sense of responsibility can make them more satisfied individuals in the long run and support them to live the life they deserve. Living a life for which we pay the price and put in the effort will protect us from disappointment.
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