Sociologist Family Consultant Kimya Çifçi Dumlu, who stated that constant control over children and the idea of being organized prevents the sense of discovery, shared her advice on how parents should set limits for their children.
Your baby discovers his own power from the 6th month onwards and Then he begins to test his strength. From the moment your baby realizes his own power, parents face another task: Setting limits...
So, what is setting limits? The process consisting of words and behaviors that parents use to teach their children a rule and behavior is called setting limits.
If you would like, let's talk about the reasons why even your best-behaved child, whose first job is to push the limits, rebels against his parents from time to time.
• Children cannot explore the world without pushing the limits
Your child is truly an explorer, did you know that? His job is to investigate his surroundings, touching objects, tasting all flavors, and pouring everything out. Because of this sense of discovery, it feels like you, adults, are constantly pushing the limits. However, you are hindering your child's ability to discover the greatest pleasure because of your constant control and orderliness.
• Children are generally self-centered and self-focused
Your adventurous and explorer child acts according to his instincts and does not think much about the outcome. A child up to the age of three cannot guarantee that he will not let go of your hand when crossing the street. Because he is not result-oriented and acts with his instincts. You can shape your child's behavior with your consistent and determined behavior.
• This is because the rules are complex
Telling your child not to jump when he is jumping on the sofa;
1. Your child will probably not know why you are angry about jumping.
2. You will not know the feeling of jumping on the seat that your child enjoys the most.
The rules you impose on your child within the limits without explaining the reasons are completely unclear for the child. and are felt as incomprehensible reactions.
•Adult rules � It is caused by not being suitable for child development
In general, parents seem to 'break rules' against the child's behavior because they do not know normal child behavior. For example; Expecting a three-year-old child to sit still in the cinema shows that the rule you have drawn is not suitable for child development.
• We can unintentionally encourage it with our own behavior
According to John Locke The human mind is from birth a blank slate (tabula rasa). Then this mind is filled with experience. Yes, your child has been examining you carefully since the day he was born. He knows very well which reaction works best for you in which situations. Your little explorer will progress in his life adventure according to your reactions and behavior.
So how should I set limits for my child?
Parents often have problems setting limits. Although it may seem difficult to set boundaries, it will enable your child to distinguish between right, wrong and dangerous things as you guide him on his life path. However, remember that no child will walk straight on the path drawn for him. Your child's first job will be to test his ability to cross boundaries. In order for children to develop their exploration, learning, taking responsibility, problem solving and communication skills in a healthy way, they need to explore, know the rules of the environment they live in and maintain a healthy communication with their parents. Before setting limits, parents must absolutely respect the child. Your child is a new member of your family with his/her unique characteristics and, above all, an individual who needs to be valued and accepted. Another important point is; Consistency and determination are very important as well as the feelings of being patient, kind and fair when setting boundaries.
-Draw your boundaries with appropriate expectations: "Don't jump" to your child whom you want not to jump on the white sofa you love so much. Instead of drawing boundaries by saying; You can make your home suitable for your child by laying a cover on your white sofa. Your child will experience the self-confidence of acting freely within the boundaries you set. breakable at home Another option is to prevent your child from getting hurt and to make the house suitable for your child's mobility. This way, you will not constantly try to change your child.
- Set rules that you can follow: Engaging in an authority war with your child by expecting him to do many things at the same time may cause you to lose your authority. In other words, expecting your child to eat broccoli, brush his teeth, climb the stairs, and use the toilet will cause you to try to set rules that are contrary to child development periods. These rules that are not suitable for child development may lead to chaos and conflict depending on your child's temperament. Being a parent does not mean that you always give your child the rules you want or change the rules according to the current situation. In other words, while the cartoon time is 11:00 in the morning, there should not be any inconsistencies such as cartoon time is 13:00 today and 15:00 tomorrow according to your wishes. Rules should be discussed and established with all family members at your family meeting. Changing the rules should be based on the needs of the family meeting, not on the wishes of individuals. Because the clarity, consistency and sustainability of your rules will make your child comply with the rules more easily. In addition, it is easier for everyone to adapt to decisions made together.
- Keep your rules short and positive:There are many parents who say that their child does not listen to me. Well, as a parent, do you ever say that you cannot explain it to your child? Expressing your rules in the imperative mood will reduce the likelihood that your child will follow that rule. You should dance with words, it is more effective in reminding you of this rule. For example; You can establish a warmer communication bond by making your child love the rules by saying 'This is the walking path' instead of the command 'Don't run'.
- No or being consistent? Decide:There are many families who think that discipline means using the word “no” frequently and yelling at others to make them obey. But the essence of effective discipline is consistency and predictability. Children love rules and feel safer. Boundaries are a part of child development and are constantly renewed. He wants to eat. Each period should have its own boundaries. Consider having a limited number of words 'No' in your pocket and know that discipline is not proportional to the frequency of the word 'No'. Consistent rules that you apply under all circumstances will help your child understand right and wrong.
The most important point that parents should know is that common rules and consistent discipline are very important for both the healthy development of children and their happiness.
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