Jealousy is one of our most basic emotions that can be seen in every developmental stage of human beings. It is also one of the most difficult emotions to manage. Sibling jealousy is a common situation in every family. As long as it is not an exaggeration, sibling jealousy is a normal process. So, what is the situation that we call "sibling jealousy", which is an exaggeration?
Every child wants to be unique for his parents. Children want their parents to care about them the most and to have their love and attention always on them. Isn't this already the case until the second brother comes along? With the first child, parents are inexperienced. Becoming a parent is something they experience for the first time. For this reason, they are very meticulous and sensitive in the education of the child. Many books are read, different toys are tried, and everything the doctor tells you is followed to the letter. If it is the first grandchild of the family, all the attention is on the child. During all these processes, the child has become accustomed to receiving the attention, care and attention he/she wants. When a sibling is born, the child does not like to share this interest.
My child does not want a sibling, what should I do?
We often hear the following expressions from families: "He wants a sibling." He wanted it so much that we had the second child just for him. He was waiting for his brother with excitement, but we did not understand what happened next, his behavior changed dramatically..." Some parents leave the decision for the second child to the first child, asking "Do you want a sibling?" without making a decision. they ask. This is not a decision the child can make, the parent must decide. Because children may not know the concept of a sibling very well, they actually want a playmate, with whom they can play whenever they want, or sometimes they just want the title of "being a big brother or sister".
It is important to try to understand your child's feelings in this process. Why does he not want to have a sibling, what really worries or scares him? The answers to these questions are valuable. Depending on the child's age level, it will be useful to understand your child's feelings through conversation or games.
Do not force your child to love his or her sibling. Avoid sentences like "But he gets upset because you don't love him" or "Aren't siblings ever loved?" This � It causes negative emotions in the child.
Behaviors that parents should avoid
*After the baby is born, your child Do not overwhelm him with excessive attention, praise or gifts so that he does not get jealous. Children will definitely feel the fake attention such as 'We love you more'. It is a very wrong attitude to neglect the older sibling, as well as to burden him with unhealthy attention.
* Do not put too much responsibility on your child as if you are now a big brother/sister. Do not put emotional pressure on your child, such as "You are older, share your toy, you are grown up, what is there to cry about?" Attitudes like this can damage your relationship with the child.
*After the new baby is born, if possible, do not start the older one in nursery / kindergarten immediately. This situation creates the feeling of being sent away from home in the child. His mind remains on his mother and baby at home, making it difficult for the child to adapt to school. After a certain period of time has passed after the baby is born, after the child gets used to the new order of the house, it will be healthy to start the nursery / kindergarten.
*Do not compare your children with each other. Remember that each child's developmental process and personality traits are different. Every child is unique, even if they are siblings.
What should parents do in these situations?
* Ask your child's opinion about the name chosen for the baby before birth, the preparation of his/her room and the selection of furniture.
*You can look at your child's baby photos together and chat. Conversations such as "Once upon a time, you were little like your brother" or "Look, you were only 3 months old here" are very good for the child's emotional state.
*Try to understand his feelings. Don't gloss over his anger or unhappiness, talk about the issue. During this process, you can read him stories about the new sibling. In this way, the child sees his/her emotions from the outside, understands that there are other children experiencing these emotions, and can stop feeling guilty about the emotions he/she feels.
*As a parent, it is also very important for you to distribute tasks during this period. If only the mother takes responsibility for both children, it will wear out the mother. this percent n While the mother is taking care of the baby, activities such as playing games with the older child, helping with homework, etc. will be beneficial. At this stage, the father's support comforts the mother.
* Capture the positive times between siblings, express your happiness, and reinforce these behaviors. Create activities where two siblings can spend time together.
*Some children may exhibit behaviors that harm their sibling (such as hitting their sibling, picking them up). In this case, it is important to set boundaries. It is important to set a gentle but clear limit without reacting impulsively. You can set a clear limit with expressions such as “I don't want you to hit your brother, it hurts him.”
When should you get help from an expert?
When we look at all this written, the reason why the child is jealous of his sibling is not due to lack of feeling and love for him. The child is not able to share the love given by the parents and the need to be loved and seen more.
If, despite these, you observe changes in your child such as extreme anger, introversion, general restlessness, and not wanting to go to school, get help from an expert.
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