The feeling of jealousy is inherent in people. However, especially in children, the feeling of sibling jealousy is triggered by the wrong behavior of their parents. A child's jealousy of his or her sibling is entirely related to the attitude of the parents. When a new baby comes home and the whole family takes care of him, the child becomes worried that he is not loved by his parents.
Especially the constant attention of the parents to the baby, the constant bringing of gifts by those who come to the house, or the lack of attention to him creates fear and anxiety. . With these thoughts, the child's inner peace is disrupted. The child who gets angry easily, cries, does not eat as a reaction, and does not obey the rules reacts with all these behaviors. In more advanced stages, different situations such as harming one's sibling, throwing tantrums, becoming withdrawn, and decreasing school success may emerge.
Disagreements may arise between siblings for various reasons. In such cases, parents should approach the situation with a solution-oriented approach instead of making a distinction between right and wrong. She should offer a solution without taking sides or blaming either side, using sentences such as "He is your brother, you are the elder." In fact, they should encourage children to find their own solutions. If they cannot offer any solutions, parents can come up with their own solutions, but this should be done without leaving either party in a difficult situation and without undermining their own authority. If children's arguments reach a violent level, the fight should definitely be stopped at that moment and a clear message should be given that this is not acceptable under any circumstances.
RECOMMENDATIONS FOR PARENTS
-First of all, parents should try to relax. Children are affected by the behavior of the adults around them. If parents are worried about how the older child will react to their sibling, the child will also be nervous.
-Instead of rejecting and ignoring negative feelings towards the sibling, it is necessary to accept them and try to recognize them. For example, the child says, “Mom, you always take care of the baby.” When he said, "Not at all, didn't I just read a book to you?" Instead of saying, "You don't like that I spend so much time on the baby." If you say "No, I don't like it at all." You can give him the opportunity to express his feelings by saying.
-Avoiding comparisons between siblings. It is important.
-A sentence such as "How naughty he is, he cries all the time and tires me out, but I love you more" said about the baby will not be found convincing by the child; on the contrary, he may think that you want to deceive him. This damages the child's trust in the parents.
-Extreme tolerance to the child so that he/she does not get jealous also worsens the situation. For example: A child who previously slept alone should not be allowed to sleep with his or her parents.
-It should be clearly explained that he or she will not be allowed to harm the baby. If the child hurts his sibling, it is important not to overreact and to warn him without getting angry (or he may repeat this behavior to annoy you). Whether the child gets the message or not, it would be right not to leave the two siblings alone. (Children cannot understand whether they are causing harm until they are five years old.) It would be wrong to try to take the child away from the baby with attitudes that contain excessive anxiety.
-They should be given the responsibility of dealing with fights. Leave there, don't let him use you. However, intervene when you feel the situation is going badly. For example; such as causing physical harm to each other. The more you stay out of the situation, the more creative children will be in resolving conflicts among themselves.
-Instead of immediately directing your attention to the child causing trouble, you should pay attention to the child who is harmed, and not describe his sibling as "victim, oppressed".
-When you feel jealousy between siblings, efforts should be made to create environments that will bring them closer, rather than alienate them from each other.
THE EFFECT OF BIRTH ORDER ON PERSONALITY TRAITS ACCORDING TO ALFRED ADLER
“A five-year-old boy, the eldest of the siblings.”
“There is a situation that is common to see in the eldest children; they always harbor a fear of being dethroned from our throne. They have an extraordinary understanding of power and authority, they regard power and authority as the highest object in life, and they fight for this cause. You can rarely come across individuals who are as committed to the rules of life as the oldest child. The second-born child is a relentless enemy of rules and principles. He is against a one-sided authority, he thinks that everything could be different. He is not willing to believe in the miraculous power of rules and natural laws, and he tends to show under all circumstances that there is no such thing as rules. Therefore, this child is very sensitive about power and authority and tries to recapture the throne.”
The idea that birth order may have permanent effects on personality traits and behavior was first put forward by Alfred Adler. This idea, which emerged in the 1930s, has been the subject of many studies. According to Adler, although siblings within the family share many things in common, the meaning each individual attributes to themselves within the family is different due to their birth order. Adler actually talks more about what birth order brings. That is, children evaluate what kind of place and value they have in the eyes of their parents (Çakır and Şen, 2012). According to Adler, firstborns have the chance to be the center of attention and love of their parents. While parents experience the awkwardness of having a child, the child enjoys being the sole center of attention and establishes his authority. But the arrival of a second child in the family is a serious trauma for the firstborn. Dividing his parents' attention and time allocated to him into two is one of the points he has difficulty getting used to. With the birth of his brother, he begins to take on responsibilities. He becomes conscious of being great. The first child is socially dominant and more successful. Many studies have observed that academic success is higher in the first child than in the second child. Researchers think that the reason for this success is that the child learns everything on his own due to the inexperience of the parents. It is said that the middle child, stuck between two siblings, is always the unluckiest. Adler claimed that the middle child was competitive and diplomatic. It is noteworthy that they have the characteristics of being moderate and mediating. The balance of love and attention between the first child and the second child is very important. Mother and father have a great responsibility here. The ability of parents to distribute love and attention proportionately can minimize the negative effects of jealousy between two siblings. Disproportionality of parents or above-normal competitive environments created in the second quarter It is effective in causing the child to be rebellious. At the same time, it is wrong for parents to expect the first child to be mature beyond his years and to fulfill the sudden responsibilities perfectly due to his sibling. Adler claimed that the youngest child was selfish and demanding because he was used to being taken care of. It is in competition with the models before it. Having someone who is constantly shown as an example can create the behavior of seeing oneself as inferior to others in the last born. Having plenty of environment to communicate with helps people develop their social skills. The youngest child usually shows himself by being active in social life. According to Adler, the different attitudes of mothers and fathers to their children or the relationship between siblings according to birth order play an active role in children's acquisition of personality and behavioral habits. It is possible that this differential treatment affects children's personalities, but it is impossible to determine exactly how, because the effects of birth order cannot be separated from other factors such as gender, age difference between siblings, and socioeconomic status (Jarette,2013). The idea that birth order affects personality, although very popular, has proven to be quite controversial, as there is little scientific evidence to support it. However, a recent study lends some credibility to this issue. A 2009 study shows that being born later has a negative, albeit small, effect on IQ.
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