Cheating is a very common problem in marriages. It ranks second in the causes of divorce after domestic violence.
Cheating is a traumatic event experienced by both spouses in the family. Both parties experience the feeling of losing the relationship and the sense of trust is completely lost.
The reasons for cheating vary between men and women.
Reasons for Men Cheating
- The relationship is not getting better
- Searching for a new and exciting relationship
- The attention shown by the women around him
- The feeling of instant gratification
- Sexual fantasies that he cannot realize with his wife
Reasons for Women Cheating
- Meeting the attention they cannot receive from their spouses
- The need to feel valuable and special
- The need for romance
- The need to share friendship and sensuality
- While cheating is experienced more emotionally in women; Men also experience sexual intercourse.
- Cheating spouses express that they are unhappy about their marriage and have conflicts with their spouses.
Research has shown that the rate of cheating is low in families that are satisfied in their marriage. It is not possible to have an alternative relationship between couples who are tightly attached to each other.
The Consequences of Cheating
With the emergence of cheating, marital relations improve, they become more assertive, they become more active in the family. Although positive results such as establishing higher values, paying more attention to self-care, and understanding the importance of communication can be experienced, in many relationships, sexuality with a person outside the relationship is considered a destructive act. He stated that extramarital affairs may have various consequences. After the infidelity is discovered, this situation may be perceived as a threat to the marital union. As a result, couples may decide to leave each other or continue their marriage by concluding that their relationship has become stronger.
The deeply hurtful nature of infidelity and the loss of trust as a result of infidelity cause problems between couples. Communication, which will play an important role in resolving the issue, is an area where couples often fail.
Infidelity also kills spouses. It can cause even more severe pain than the pain of all others. While death is a more acceptable phenomenon, people who cheat may feel guilty and inadequate.
After the cheating is revealed, couples may decide to leave each other or overcome this situation and strengthen their marriage.
Couples who experience cheating lose trust and this This situation causes serious problems in marriages. The person who has been cheated on; their positive thoughts about their spouse decrease and they do not want to spend time together.
After cheating, the relational processes are divided into three stages.
1. Fluctuation phase: The cheated spouse compares himself with the person he had the affair with. He becomes curious about the other person, may follow that person or want to meet that person. The first reactions are shock, anger and denial. She wants to punish and take revenge. He wants his wife to experience the same pain.
2.Postponement phase: Physical and emotional withdrawal, damage to self-confidence, feeling of abandonment, dealing with details and feeling rejected. In this case, she wants to get support from her relatives. During this process, the cheated spouse does not want to do anything.
3. Gaining trust: The cheating spouse should apologize, compensate for the process, and take more responsibility throughout the day to be a good family. and behaviors such as performing tasks are observed. However, the cheated spouse may not want to respond to any positive approach from his/her spouse.
Cheating leads to significant changes in the psychological world of the spouses. A cheater may make a lot of effort to win over his spouse. He may feel distressed because he upset his partner, or vice versa. The cheating spouse may develop a defense mechanism by blaming his spouse. He/she may blame his/her spouse by saying "If you had not acted this way, I would not have done this." The cheated spouse may experience symptoms of depression such as insomnia, decreased appetite, weight loss, and constant crying. He may withdraw from his daily activities. He may have thoughts of suicide or killing his spouse.
After the infidelity is revealed, the person may want to leave the house or leave the house immediately. While the person is in so much pain, he may not accept the apology from the other party. It may not be possible to establish a trusting relationship in a short time. To ensure that this process passes immediately and differentiates in both should not wait in limbo.
CHECKING AND THERAPY PROCESS
After cheating, spouses may decide to receive therapy to overcome this process together. They can overcome this process by understanding and supporting each other. If they want to continue their marriage, they need to come to therapy together.
When couples decide to start therapy, the alternative relationship must end. If cheating continues, it would not be right to start couples therapy. In such a case, individual therapy should be done. Because the cheated spouse wants to make sure that the relationship ends once and for all.
The cheated spouse may experience symptoms of depression such as sleep disorders, decreased appetite (rapid weight loss), and constant crying spells. It is seen that he does not enjoy life and moves away from his daily activities. In this case, individual support should be given to the cheated spouse. If necessary, he should be referred to a psychiatrist.
The cheated spouse wants to know all the details of the alternative relationship and constantly questions them. He feels the need to ask new questions after each answer. The cheating spouse tells all the secrets to gain his wife's trust. However, accessing this information can have extremely distressing effects for the cheated spouse. It can be very difficult to confront the information he has learned. Therefore, the interrogation should be stopped as soon as possible. Or these questions that come to mind should be addressed in a session accompanied by an expert.
If the cheated spouse is aware of the cheating, the feelings he/she created in himself/herself are discussed. In this case, the person feels emotions such as shock, denial, betrayal and intense anger. The cheating spouse apologizes but does not understand the other party's feelings well enough. During the therapy process, it is ensured that the cheated spouse expresses his/her feelings and the cheating spouse understands them.
When the cheated spouse gets rid of the feeling of revenge and anger, does not want to stay away or escape from his/her spouse and decides to solve this problem, the repair phase begins.
It is necessary to increase the forgiving attitude. If the cheating spouse interprets it as a mistake and regrets it, everyone can make mistakes. The important thing is to come out of this process successfully as a couple.
They should try to understand each other without blaming or defending. During the therapy process, it is ensured that the spouses express themselves correctly and understand each other.
Infidelity is a problem in the relationship. It is an indication that there is a problem. In therapy, the marriages and relationships of the spouses before the cheating are analyzed. Distances and gaps in marriage are repaired. The system is reconfigured. The lost sense of trust and love is rebuilt.
Cheating is one of the most difficult processes in marriage. As in every therapy, couples need to be patient and devoted during the therapy process after cheating. But it is a situation that can be overcome with couple therapy. As long as both parties want to overcome this situation.
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