It is generally agreed that children with separated parents are at higher risk for psychological problems than children whose parents are together. Separation, which causes the structural, emotional and spiritual division of the family unity, is the beginning of a complex new situation for all members of the family, especially children.
There are many factors that determine the effect of separation on children. Factors such as the nature of the conflict and separation process between parents, social support mechanisms, having or not having siblings, gender, age can be counted among these factors. Among these factors, it will be discussed how children are socially affected during the separation process according to the developmental period. . The parent who provides these needs to the baby in a healthy way is determined as the person who gives satisfaction and makes the baby feel safe, and attachment to the parent develops. The baby learns to communicate with the parent and encourage him to play. If the baby smiles and the parent smiles, talks and plays with the baby, imitating the baby's voices, the baby will feel the urge to respond. On the other hand, if no one comes to the baby's cries, or if a different person comes and cares in a different way (one is affectionate, the other is hasty, quiet, sullen, etc.), the baby cannot decide whether he is valuable or not and cannot trust his environment.
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Suggestions: Give both parents the opportunity to bond, relax physically, establish a consistent routine.
PLAYING CHILDHOOD PERIOD (1-3 AGE RANGE)
In this period, the child may experience the loss of contact with the parent as abandonment, feel responsible for the separation, or worry about meeting their needs (food, shelter, visits). He may fear that the outgoing parent will not love him as much as he used to. Therefore, the fear of being left alone, abandoned, being forgotten, separation anxiety, searching for familiar toys, being angry, feeling restless and incompatible behaviors, crying crises can be seen.
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Suggestions: Relieve physically, establish a consistent routine, make frequent visits with estranged parents. Prolonging the period of separation from the parent he/she is away from may cause difficulties for the child in terms of adaptation and bonding with the parent. The child tries to make sense of the separation in his own mind, but sets up different thoughts in his mind. He may also feel responsible for the breakup. During this period, clear signs of grief such as sadness and anger, feelings of abandonment and rejection, eating and sleeping changes, behavioral problems, conflicts of commitment, and trying to take on the role of the separated parent can be seen. In addition, it is seen that the children of separated families socialize late, develop reactions such as disobedience at school, breaking the rules, and have difficulties in adapting to school, shyness, weakening in self-perception, and lack of self-confidence.
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Suggestions: Give your child the opportunity to express their feelings, learn coping strategies, reassure them that they are not responsible for the separation, allow both parents to love, engage in extracurricular activities to distract the parent from their problems, and spend as much time as possible with each parent.
SCHOOL PERIOD (5-12 AGE RANGE)
In this period, the child may hold himself responsible for the separation and feel anger about the separation, he may take a side by blaming the parent he thinks caused the separation, may see one parent as completely good and the other completely bad. However, this is not the case in all separations, this problem can be avoided when the parents give the child consistent and accurate information about the separation process at a level that the child can understand. In case of this problem, the child may experience intense anger, physical complaints, being overactive to avoid thinking about separation, feeling ashamed of separation and feeling different from other children, alliance with a parent or alienation from a parent.
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Suggestions: Suggestions made in the pre-school period are also valid here, but in order to strengthen sociality, they can connect and help them in life. can be introduced to resources that he believes will support him (such as sports activities or making a close friend). may be ashamed of the separation of his family and therefore may react to his parents with derealization, put his peer needs before his family, and may not want to visit the parent he does not live with. For this reason, the child may experience alienation from the family, difficulty concentrating, tendency to high-risk behaviors (sexual intercourse, substance and alcohol use, and involvement in crime).
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Recommendations: Balanced with more freedom and options set consistent boundaries, provide information about parent visits, but don't overburden you by having to decide on the custody and interview schedule. Let's pay attention to listening to the points that he does not want to talk to his distant parent, whether he has an extra need here and whether both parents can meet this need.
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The difficulties experienced in all these steps can also be seen in children whose parents are not separated. , may be seen very little or not at all in children whose parents are separated. The above mentioned are possible symptoms. It has been observed that these symptoms are minimal in children of parents who survived the separation process well.
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Important information that may be necessary when describing the separation process:
1. What it means to break up can be explained to the child in a language he or she can understand, in accordance with their age level.
2. Spouses can tell the child about the decision to leave without blaming each other.
3. It can be explained to the child that there is no guilt or effect in the decision to leave.
4. What happens after separation can be clearly explained to the child.
5. The child can be told that the confusion caused by separation is temporary.
6. Changes to be experienced may spread over time.
7. Separation; Parents should talk together and at the same time in an environment where the child can trust. The most important point to note here is that the child has his own dynamics, can sense what is happening, It is the fact that he is an individual who can understand the explanations about Instead of deceiving, hiding or misrepresenting the truth, planning the appropriate steps and seeking psychological help when necessary, respecting his existence, will be the greatest support that parents can provide to the child in this difficult experience.
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