Speaking in I language is something we hear all the time from experts. It is said that communication is the most important thing. But most of us do not know the real meaning or reasons for this.
Speaking in I language means trying to express our own emotions and things we feel while talking to the other person.” "I felt lonely and worthless when this happened" or "I felt helpless when you applied this behavior." You left me and went to the game with your friends instead of spending time with me, you don't care about me at all, you don't value me, you always do this." "What you do is wander around and make dust." Unfortunately, in many families in our society, dialogues occur in similar ways. Domestic discord has increased a lot. In this case, couples continue their marriage uneasily in one way or another, which causes the psychology of both the couple and the children to deteriorate day by day. Couples either go to a marriage therapist and aim to organize their marriages before they become more damaged, or they choose the path of cheating or divorce.
First of all, I must emphasize that marriage is a marriage between two people with different characters, different tastes and who grew up with different perspectives in a different environment throughout their lives. is to come together. And considering that personality development occurs and is completed in adolescence, we can see that it is impossible for individuals to change the personality of others. Marriage is not a struggle to shape the other person into the shape we want in order to be happy and peaceful in this process.
Marriage is an institution where people have time to devote to their own private pleasures and the private pleasures of the other person, where they can also enjoy common pleasures and shares, and their responsibilities will be resolved through common sharing. . Couples who knew each other for a certain period of time before getting married Couples have already more or less understood each other's characters, and trying to change these character traits after marriage will greatly wear out the relationship.
Yes, we said two different people, two different personality traits. Normally, there will be many opposing views and many conflicts in this relationship. Correct communication, which is the cornerstone of marriage, begins right here with the use of I language.
Our spouse may have many habits or behaviors that do not seem right to us, because they do not comply with our habits that have existed since we were born. Their perspective on love, love, raising children, home order or relationship may be very different from ours. When these conflicts begin, whether we communicate correctly or not determines the course of our marriage. Being able to empathize makes it easier to use the I language when establishing this communication. How should we empathize?
No matter who the other person is (our mother, friend, sibling, etc.), when he tells us something he doesn't like, constantly blames us, rightly or wrongly, criticizes us, tries to direct us the way he wants, the feeling that rises inside us, from our stomach to the top of our head. Let's remember that feeling that came up. What is included in this emotion: anger, humiliation, devaluation, attack on autonomy and individual rights, humiliation, etc. We can list many emotions. So, how high are our chances of being moderate, respectful, unprejudiced and affectionate towards the other person while experiencing this feeling? I can say that there are almost none.
Now let's think about the same thing in our relationship. When you express your spouse's attitudes and actions that you do not like by saying "you did this, you did that, you already do that", can the feelings your spouse feels towards you while experiencing the emotions I just described be well-intentioned? So, can he understand your feelings with these emotions? So, can the thought of changing their behavior arise within these emotions? Of course not.
Well now let's look at it from a different perspective: make the other person make us feel bad. When we describe a situation, we always talk about how we feel about this situation and do not blame. “I felt pretty bad and worthless today. Because you have been working hard for days and I miss talking and chatting with you because I enjoy spending time with you. But when you spent time outside on your only free evening, I felt so lonely and worthless. I would like to hear what you think about this. Maybe we can make a joint plan for the future. This way, I will feel better and you can have some private time for yourself.”
It is difficult for an approach made with such a way of speaking to make our spouse experience anger and similar emotions. This is a completely correct method of communication. It helps the other person understand our feelings, is a solution-oriented approach, and results in steps taken to resolve the issue rather than arguing and fighting. Talking like a machine gun without taking a breath, especially when explaining our problems to the other person, not giving them the opportunity to talk, or not indicating that we want to listen to them, are behaviors that will completely negatively affect communication. What is it?
At this point, if the relationship is worn out, the spouses and children are restless and unhappy, and their psychology has begun to deteriorate, the best solution is to consult a family counselor. As a result of continuing therapies with the counselor for a certain period of time, the relationship begins to improve, which is the goal, or the relationship does not improve and gets worse, verbal and physical violence begins, in which case, with the guidance of the counselor, it is necessary to discuss ending the marriage in a healthy way without harming the spouses and children. The purpose of going to marriage therapy early is to save the relationship before it gets gangrene to the point where there is no chance of recovery.
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