Effective communication is one of the most important requirements for being a strong and healthy family. Research shows the indisputable importance of communication between spouses, children or parents and children in establishing strong family ties. The fact that miscommunication is at the root of the problems of families who come to couple and family therapy underlines once again the importance of the issue.
Family communication refers to all kinds of mutual verbal or non-verbal sharing between family members. This sharing includes paying attention to what other family members are thinking or feeling. Therefore, communication includes not only talking but also listening to what others say. In other words, everyone needs to listen at least as much as they talk for effective communication. In this way, each member of the family - from the youngest to the oldest - will be able to share their needs, wishes and concerns with the others. Open and honest communication in this way allows family members to more easily empathize and respect each other's differences as well as love. Only in this way can families solve the problems that inevitably arise.
Considering that the family is the basic building block of society, the environment of respect and love to be established within the family will be a means for family members to express themselves in a similar way in other areas of society. Ensuring internal communication is an important step that will bring social benefits.
According to family and marriage therapists, the most common problem that families with problems bring to therapy is lack of communication. Lack of communication occurs when sharing between family members is done indirectly and uncertainly; and causes problems such as intra-family conflicts, inability to solve problems, loss of emotional closeness and family disconnection. For example, when a woman who is disturbed by her husband working too much, but does not express this directly, expresses this indirectly with her cold behavior, the message her husband receives is very different from her being disturbed by not being able to see him and missing him. His wife, who was very tired all day and probably had various problems at work, became completely resentful when she could not find the emotional acceptance she was looking for at home. He can enter and get away from the woman completely. When we ask family and marriage therapists for examples, it is possible to hear thousands of different stories like this. What they all have in common is a lack of direct communication. If not resolved, it can result in divorce, separation or chronic unhappiness. While this is the case for couples, the situation is perhaps even a little worse for children.
Instrumental and Emotional Communication
Researchers examine communication in two different ways: instrumental communication and emotional communication. Instrumental communication refers to the transfer of information necessary to perform family tasks. For example, telling your child that you will wait for him/her at the school gate after school is an example of this. On the other hand, emotional communication refers to family members sharing their feelings with each other. Although some families are very good at instrumental communication, they may have great difficulty in emotional communication. It is important for healthy family ties that both of them are well.
Open and Closed / Direct and Indirect Communication
Open communication is clear to everyone about what message is given in the conversation. It is a clearly understood form of communication. When the content is vague or not in a directly understandable form, it is called closed communication. On the other hand, direct communication is communication by directing the message directly to its target. Indirect communication, on the contrary, is the type of communication in which the message is spoken to someone but transferred to someone else; In Turkish culture, this is what we say, 'Daughter, I'm telling you, my daughter-in-law, you understand'.
Family and couple therapists and professionals working in this field reveal four types of communication styles based on these types:
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Open and Direct Communication: According to workers, this is the healthiest way of communication within the family. In this form of communication, the message is conveyed directly and clearly to the targeted family member. For example, in the example above, the woman openly shares her discomfort with working long hours with her husband. In families where this type of communication is provided, both parents and children develop a strong self with the feeling that what they think and feel is important. With the perception that speaking is an important tool in solving problems, people will try to solve them in this way when they encounter problems in their positions in society.
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Open and Indirect Communication: In this form of communication, although the message is clear, the person it targets is unclear. remains. If we use the same example, an example would be if the woman said that she was disturbed by everyone coming home late. In this type, even though the woman's discomfort is caused by her husband, her husband may not take it upon himself and the woman may have the perception that she does not care even though I tell her, which, unlike the previous type, may develop the feeling that what I say or feel does not matter and cause injury to her ego.
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Closed and Direct Communication: In this form of communication, although the addressee is specific, the message given is unclear. An example of this would be when a woman tells her husband that he did not make enough sacrifices for their marriage. Closed and direct communication is a method that couples frequently use. Instead of sharing their feelings directly, family members often try to express them with indirect messages based on the roles of femininity and masculinity imposed by society. The fact that the woman in the example is uncomfortable but expresses this with an ambiguous message may cause her partner to hear this as an accusation. On the other hand, couples, especially men, prefer this method to share not only negative but also positive emotions. For example, ditching his friends to be with his wife might be a way for a man to say "I love you." However, this may be interpreted by the woman as meaning that she just wants to stay at home, and eventually she may come back with an accusation such as "You don't show that you love me." Therefore, it is not a very healthy form of communication.
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Closed and Indirect Communication: This is the form of communication in which both the receiver and the message are uncertain and is the most unhealthy one. In our example, an example of this would be if the disturbed woman said, "I am the only one making sacrifices for this family." All interlocutors in the environment will both evaluate themselves for this message and will not take it upon themselves with confusion. Therefore, when he went to the message place and the woman's discomfort did not subside, everyone felt a question mark and insecurity.
Tips to Strengthen Communication in the Family
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Communicate frequently
One of the most common problems faced by families today is having difficulty finding time for each other. Between work, school and daily life responsibilities, we cannot spare enough time for our family. Considering that something can happen at any time, it can make a difference to stop waiting for long periods of time and do this at every convenient time we can find. For example, talking in the car on the way home, sharing that day instead of watching television while eating, being able to postpone even things that seem more important when a family member wants to talk, or talking to your children, even if briefly, while putting them to bed. In other words, allocating certain or spontaneous times to your family.
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Let your messages be clear and direct
As we explained above, the healthiest way of effective communication is communication is done directly and openly. Discussing the problem openly, especially in solving problems related to children or problems between couples, will increase the effectiveness of the solution. Indirect and vague conversations will not solve the problem and will also damage the sincerity and emotional bond between family members.
In addition, honesty and trust between family members are important for establishing a relationship. The role here largely falls on parents. It is their duty to show children that everything can be discussed and solved together within the family without being judged.
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Be a good listener
Effective communication may be the key to The most important part is to be a good listener. Being a good listener is not just about listening silently, but also about being able to empathize with the other person, look at the situation from their perspective, and respect that. In this sense, it is important to pay attention to both verbal and non-verbal messages when listening to someone in your family, whether it is your spouse or your children. Likewise, paying attention to your own body language and using expressions such as "I understand" to show that you are listening to the other person, or asking for clarification such as "What did you mean here when you do not understand" are also important for the effectiveness of communication. When you start listening to that person in this way, You can be sure that he will listen to you.
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Pay attention to non-verbal messages
The above factors are valid for communication with all family members. It is important for people to take a position relative to the other party in communication. For example, the communication that couples establish among themselves will not be the same as the communication they have with their young and young children. This does not mean that you should not take your children seriously, but rather that you should speak in their language.
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Be positive
According to research, family relationships Problems generally arise when communication is established in negative ways. Criticizing, humiliating and using accusatory language are some of these. Studies show that happily married couples use only 1 negative communication for every 5 positive ones. Giving compliments from time to time not only among the couple but also among all family members, talking about their positive aspects instead of criticizing them and reminding them of the aspects they can improve, avoiding humiliation and reviewing the reasons that push them to do so, or using constructive language instead of destructive language such as accusation are examples of positive communication.
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