We have all had moments when we could not say no. From time to time, we have all put our own wishes aside and said "yes" to other people's wishes and expectations in order to meet our needs for approval and admiration; We have postponed our own wishes and expectations. This is a situation we all face, but it starts to become a problem when we cannot balance the nos and yeses we say to other people.
In fact, saying yes directs us to cooperation and solidarity with others. We think that if we say yes to other people's expectations, we can establish closer, more intimate relationships with them, and that we will be approved and liked by them, that is, we will be accepted. However, when we begin to fail to balance the "yes" we say to other people, we begin to see that this expectation is empty and our image is not what we expected. Despite this, we still cannot say no. Behind our inability to say no is the fear of making the people we love unhappy, of losing them, or of being exposed to their anger. We even consider saying no as an aggressive behavior and consider the other person's reaction to us as justified. We assume that the disagreements caused by saying no will destroy our entire relationship. In support of this, we are surrounded by friends, mothers, fathers and children who burst into tears with the smallest blessing. It is not something that can happen easily when someone knowingly upsets the other person. A person who sees that the other person is upset usually ends his words with a yes, starting with no. It is difficult to take responsibility for upsetting someone else, and then we may find ourselves struggling with feelings of guilt or fear that the other person will become angry. Thoughts such as "If I say no, he will definitely get angry at me, yell at me, and our relationship will be damaged" may push us to say "yes".
There is a period in everyone's life when they say no very easily; childhood. Especially in the period between the ages of 2-3, which is called the first adolescence, the child begins to object to everything and does the opposite of everything said. The child tries to show his own personality by opposing his parents. However, during this period, as in every family, parents have difficulty understanding the "no" that is constantly expressed by the child and react differently. They punish and sometimes even punish. In this period when we begin to teach the child the basic rules, the reactions to the child's objections or if the boundaries set by the parents for the child are not healthy (leaving too much freedom or constantly punishing, inhibiting), this can create confusion about what to say yes to and no to in adulthood. During this period, the child confuses "no", which means proving himself, with loss of love and guilt. He/she has difficulty distinguishing them from each other. When he becomes an adult, he unconsciously relives this feeling of abandonment and unlovedness when he says no. Thus, defiance and autonomy are often attributed to guilt and anxiety, which affects the person throughout his or her life. For this reason, by avoiding saying no in the future, we try to escape the anxiety caused by the feeling of guilt and the fear of losing.
However, after a while, contrary to what we expected, not being able to say no begins to disrupt our relationships. We suffer when we cannot say no to people, because we find ourselves in an environment we do not want, doing something we do not want. This situation not only breaks our self-confidence, but also causes us to distance ourselves from people to whom we cannot say no. Because we often tend to escape from situations in which we feel distressed.
Most of the time, we come up with wrong solutions in order not to say no. Although these behaviors used as solutions may seem like a solution in the short term, they do not permanently eliminate the problem you are experiencing. One of the most common behaviors we do when we cannot say no is to run away. We show a desire to escape from any situation that creates anxiety, thinking that we will get rid of the distress. However, we ignore the fact that the situation we are avoiding makes us more stressed. For example, in order to avoid meeting the person we have difficulty saying no to, we may sometimes change our route, leave our home at a different time than that person, or even not answer their phone calls. Another false solution we often use to avoid offending the other party and to avoid the stress of saying "no" in situations where we cannot say "no" is to lie. For example, we may pretend to be sick because we cannot say no to a birthday party we do not want to attend. But when we lie, I'm a lie. Since we will need to take precautions to prevent the scar from appearing, we will have to put in more effort, and the trouble we will feel in the end will be much more than the trouble we would feel when saying no. Sometimes, when we have difficulty rejecting someone else's request, we try to say no or make excuses by using someone else. So we put the responsibility on someone else. For example, since we cannot say no to our friend, we may ask a relative to answer our phone and tell them that we are sleeping.
Although we prefer these behaviors in order not to say no, a voice inside us whispers "I should have said no", causing us to feel regret and guilt. Even if we deceive the other person at that moment by lying or running away, we cannot deceive ourselves.
After all, the emotion we all experience in common in situations that require saying no is anxiety. Since anxiety is an uncomfortable and difficult feeling to tolerate, we try to stay away from situations that cause anxiety. That's why we try to avoid saying no. However, the more we do not have the courage to say no, the more our anxiety increases. Therefore, the first thing we need to do is to realize what is going on when we cannot say no. When we start thinking about the reasons why we cannot say no and exploring these thoughts, we solve fifty percent of this problem. Since these disturbing thoughts come to our minds automatically, they are often accepted as true by our minds without questioning. However, when we notice these thoughts, we can see that these thoughts are unrealistic or exaggerated. For example, if you feel the need to find an excuse for your friend who insists on going out on the weekend, instead of saying "I don't feel like going out", you can notice the thoughts that worry you by asking yourself what is going through your mind. "If I say no, he won't see me again", "he will think I don't love him", etc. These thoughts reduce your chances of reaching the stage of saying no. However, when you have the courage to say no, you will have the chance to see that these situations that you think will result in disaster are not real. Once you realize these, you can start saying no in small steps. It will be easier to start. You can proceed step by step, starting with a no that will not be too difficult for you emotionally. you inherit. For example, you can try saying no to a friend whose sincerity you believe in, on a matter that is not very important, and then gradually you can start trying to talk about people and topics that you have difficulty saying no to. However, since the first attempts will always be difficult, you should not judge yourself after a single attempt, on the contrary, you should try more. Learning to say no will enable us to view ourselves more positively and help us establish more sincere relationships with people. Once we learn to say no, we can say yes with pleasure and truly willingly.
Expert Psychologist Bige Rüya Yıldız
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