Marriage can be defined as the official union of the lives of two individuals who have established a bond with each other. Maintaining and adapting to marriage is a matter in people's hands. No one gets married thinking of divorce. Many couples dream of staying married for many years, but many couples start to complain after a few years. “My marriage has become ordinary”, “Love is over”, “The excitement and longing of the first days are gone”, “We actually love each other, but we do not have the old conversation, we constantly criticize each other”, “We argue very often, we are more tense and less tolerant towards each other”, “We are more tense and less tolerant towards each other”, “We love each other more than ever”. You can complain, "We can't do it." While dozens of people around you are getting divorced, will you be able to have a long and happy marriage like your parents, or are you chasing a dream? Leading separate lives is one of the most important reasons why marriages break down. Within the same house, men and women begin to live separate lives. One is watching TV in one room, the other in another room. Both of them are having fun with their own friends. There are people who sleep in separate beds or even separate rooms. This situation causes them to distance themselves not only physically but also emotionally from each other.
One of the important problems is the decrease in people's admiration for each other. Admiration is the most important element necessary for the continuation of a relationship. In long marriages, spouses still admire each other. When you enter the marriage path and admire not only the appearance and behavior of the person you love, but also how he lives his life, your love for him will never end. Remember the first days you met; Those nice words and compliments you said to each other. If you don't admire the other person as a whole person, it becomes very difficult to maintain a relationship. When you don't admire him, being with him becomes painful. The other person feels this too. Would you rather be with a person who treats you like an ordinary person and shows no interest in you, or with someone who admires you and spoils you with his beautiful words? Doesn't being around someone who likes you make you happier? In fact, you make an effort to make yourself liked even more and to maintain the admiration of the other person, and your motivation and life energy increases.
Most of them are caused by evasions and deceptions. This is the reason for his incredible excitement; To be pampered, to feel beautiful, handsome and to be admired. People should ask themselves; Have you completely lost your admiration, or can you name a few things you still admire? What features do you dislike? When you look at the whole picture, can you accept it as it is, with these features you don't like? Because if you cannot accept it completely as it is, you will always try to change it, which will cause tensions to increase. The reason why marital problems arise is not 'lack of excitement', but the lack of admiration, acceptance and respect for each other.
Communication problems are one of the most important factors that prevent marriages from lasting long. Couples make many mistakes while listening to each other, which causes increased conflicts and communication problems. For example, he is constantly trying to prove that he is right, even during any conversation. When you secretly think, "I'm right, he's wrong," you use all your energy to prove your own rightness. In this case, it becomes very difficult for us to pay attention to what the other person is saying or feeling. Another mistake is to blame the other person. Sentences such as 'It's all your fault' or 'This happened because of you' are a significant obstacle to listening and understanding the other person. The opposite of accusation is defense. Some people think, 'I must protect myself at all costs', and when they are in such a thought, it becomes very difficult to hear what is said and notice different points of view. A person focused on defending himself sometimes continues to argue just to protect himself.
It is necessary to distinguish between the concepts of self and selfishness very well. Selfishness is also a serious factor in the breakdown of marriages. Most people become selfish over time in marriage. When you look out for each other's needs, always give more importance to your own needs, or try to insist your own wishes on the other person, your partner feels neglected. After a while, everyone rushes to meet their own needs and this turns into a race. Once you know, you find yourself in arguments like this: 'You slept more, I slept less; you are more You took so much time for yourself, I couldn't; You spend less time with the child, I spend more time, etc.'
Failure to meet their needs causes the person to experience negative emotions such as distrust, disappointment, anger and grudge against his/her spouse after a while. We must accept the fact that men and women need each other. Both of them need closeness, friendship, conversation, sexual intercourse, building a family, feeling safe, receiving support, sharing, receiving attention and being loved. Getting married is one way to ensure these needs are met. When these needs are not met, problems begin to arise in marriages and relationships. Many spouses complain: 'I no longer believe that you have my best interests at heart'. When they come home, everyone has their own problems, everyone thinks about themselves. He is neither interested in me nor I in him. In the early days of our relationship, we would look into each other's eyes, we would both try to make each other happy, and when we came home, we would say, "Don't get tired, I'll do it." Now we are fighting saying 'I'm tired, you do it'. However, the greatest need is to be pampered, to receive attention and love, isn't that why people get married?
Spend time together: Give importance to friendship, camaraderie and conversation in your relationship. Spending time together and sharing is very important. But also give each other room to breathe. Being neither too disconnected nor too dependent is healthy for a happy relationship. Express your needs: Giving and empathy are the cure for any relationship. You can make a list of what you miss and your needs and say to him: 'These are my needs, you used to do most of these to me and we were both much happier then. What are your needs? Can you make a list of them and give it to me? Remember your admiration: Remember why you chose and loved each other. In fact, remind both yourself and your spouse of this.
While trying to resolve the issues you disagree on, focus on the subject. Avoid criticizing, mocking and humiliating each other. It is natural for conflicts and anger to occur in every family. The important thing is to provide a safe environment where you can express your negative emotions. Who is right or who will win in your arguments? If � becomes the main goal, you both lose. Try to understand whether the ways you chose to solve your problem are correct. It is not the conflict or difference of opinion that disrupts the marriage process, but the way of management.
Just as every crisis has the potential to destroy the marriage, it also has the potential to strengthen the marriage. You should strengthen your relationship by facing difficulties and pain together. This requires correct communication, support, dedication and empathy.
Keep and protect your sexual life: Work stress, family responsibilities, psychological or physiological problems affect sexual life first. Be aware of this and do not let external factors negatively affect your sexual life. If you have problems in your sexual life, make an attempt to solve them and get help if necessary. Do not ignore or ignore the problem. A happy sexual life is necessary for a happy and long marriage.
“After 10 years of mutual understanding and respect, commitment in marriage occurs. One needs to restrain oneself in small arguments. He should choose his wife carefully. Getting married is good, but keeping the institution of marriage alive for a long time is even more important. When it is his/her problem, it is necessary to solve it jointly. Spouses should not put pressure on each other. Praising is also a good thing. You will be sincere. Most importantly, you will be connected to your home. You will see your spouse as a part of you. It is also necessary to know how to apologize.”
Although love is one of the most important driving forces in couples' support to each other, cooperation, happiness and perhaps the formation of a family, love does not determine the basic structure of the relationship. Personal characteristics and skills are the most important determinants for the continuation and development of the relationship. Personal characteristics that are decisive for a happy marriage are: loyalty, sensitivity, generosity, respect, commitment, responsibility and reliability. Spouses need to help each other, compromise, and make decisions together. Spouses must be flexible, accepting and forgiving towards each other. They need to be tolerant of each other's mistakes, shortcomings and characteristics. As these characteristics are nurtured over time, the relationship develops and matures.
Couples often struggle with how to adapt to other people outside of their relationship (e.g. work life). Despite being proficient, few people enter an intimate relationship with the basic knowledge – or technical skills – that will make that relationship happy. People in intimate relationships often do not know how to make decisions together or how to "decode" the messages their partner gives. Couples who perhaps know how to repair the ceiling of the house when it leaks, do not know what to do when the love between them decreases day by day.
Marriage and even living together is different from other relationships in life. When a couple starts living together with the aim of a long-term relationship, they begin to have certain expectations about each other. The intensity of marriage has been dormant for years; It leads to the revival of longings for unconditional love, loyalty and support. And spouses expect these deep needs from each other to be met, either explicitly through their words (as in the marriage ceremony) or indirectly through their actions. Whatever the spouses do, they automatically carry meanings originating from these desires and expectations. Ask any questions and ask your opinions at our Kocaeli Family Counseling center.
Good communication is a must for a good marriage.
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