There are events in our lives that leave a mark and affect us deeply. Marriage comes first among these for most of us. We get married for reasons such as having children, starting a family and surviving for tomorrow. How happy we would be if we found what we were looking for and had a happy and fulfilling relationship; Otherwise, marriage may become an unbearable life.
So what is the secret of a happy and fulfilling relationship? How do people achieve this? Do all desires and expectations need to be met in order to be happy? Is the saying "We are people of different worlds" an illusion? Couples who communicate appropriately always find a good way to “resolve conflict,” no matter how different expectations, disagreements, or personalities they have. They speak directly to each other, giving clear messages about their wishes and expectations, and try to understand each other better by practicing "empathy" (putting themselves in the other person's shoes). For them, it may also be acceptable that the conflict remains unresolved. Because they accept that it is not possible to agree on every issue and that conflicts are completely normal and humane. They do not engage in attitudes such as blaming, belittling, humiliating, intimidating or threatening their partner who thinks differently. Why Communication? The reason for this is actually very simple. You are human and you need humans. Being in touch with others makes you feel good, as if you say, "I am in life too." As in all your relationships, in your relationship with your spouse, even in your choice of spouse, you need to exist in life, to love and be loved. At the same time, this situation must be beneficial to you. Your partner's listening to you, feeling understood, agreeing with what you say, or even just not having an argument may be some of the benefits you get. Because it is only possible for the conversation to continue as long as it benefits both spouses. Learning theories tell us that the most important factor that determines the frequency of occurrence of a behavior is the consequences of the same behavior. In other words, a behavior is repeated only if it brings a reward. For example, would you want to communicate with your spouse if every conversation you had experienced ended in a fight and the dose of mutual accusations and criticism increased each time? Or how? Would you give up on your efforts to speak, thinking that it would be of no use anyway? What is Effective Communication? When communication is mentioned, speech comes to mind. However, not every conversation means communication and it is not enough on its own. Good communication can only be achieved with "effective speaking and listening skills". So how will you do this? First of all, you should make sure that your speech is short and clear. The messages you give should not be indirect, but should be in the form of "clear messages" that can be understood by everyone. You should speak in “I language”. Sentences starting with "because you" will generally arouse anger in your partner and cause him/her to develop resistance to a desired behavior. For example, you can more or less guess the outcome of a conversation that goes like this: "You always humiliate me in front of others, I'm tired of your behavior, you're a rude and selfish man...". However, expressions using I language such as "It hurts ME when you act like this in front of others, I feel very bad, I would appreciate it if you were a little more careful next time" will be less threatening and express anger etc. It will cause less negative emotions. "You language" usually creates a 'feeling of blame' in people, and the person either defends himself or counter-attacks. Additionally, a good speaker expresses himself directly, takes responsibility for what he says, that is, he does not use others to say things. For example, one of the spouses says to the other about a matter in which he thinks he is right: "You see, it happened just as I said, I was right again, your father thinks the same as me on this issue." can say. Our aim should not be to be right or prove something, but to understand the other party and accept their feelings unconditionally. Only in this way can the other person feel understood and accepted, which is very important for mutual cooperation. Being a good listener is as difficult as speaking, perhaps even more difficult. How many minutes can you listen to your spouse without commenting or judging? Well, let's say you listened, do you know what he really means and how he feels at the end of the conversation? If your partner is a really good listener or you are a good listener, the answer to all these questions should be positive for both of you. � Because, if spouses listen to each other well, they will feel relieved to have conveyed their feelings and thoughts at the end of the conversation. They are patient throughout the conversation; In other words, they do not interrupt each other easily, because they are aware that their turn will come. They do not immediately understand what is meant, but they ask each other non-judgmental questions over and over again with appropriate questions in order to better understand and be understood. What is even more interesting is that spouses who communicate well may not be able to reach a compromise or solve the problem in the end. Some of the Important Communication Mistakes.. Spouses make many mistakes when communicating with each other. Most of the time, the mistake made is not realized or the necessary skills to correct it have not yet been acquired. Destructive and detrimental criticisms, mind-reading, generalizations such as "You don't do anything right, you are an unreliable person", attempts to bring up the past and find solutions instead of understanding, and one of the spouses taking on the role of teacher or therapist are some of these. Here, I will mention two of them that I think are very common, as it is not possible to talk about each one separately. “Mind reading” means guessing the other person's purpose (intention) or what is on their mind. Instead of asking or talking to each other, spouses decide on each other's behalf. Communication between them gradually deteriorates. It's like a "movie without words" is being played. For example, let's imagine a man who comes home late because he is busy at work lately, and a woman who thinks that her husband is cheating on her by coming home late. Every evening, the woman meets her husband with deep sadness, does not ask why he came late, becomes angry with him, and her anger gradually increases. Similarly, let's imagine a woman who goes to bed after her husband because she has barely been able to finish the housework lately, and a man who interprets this as his wife's real intention to avoid sexual intercourse by coming to bed late. In the first example, just as it is not possible to say that the behavior was intended to deceive, in the second example, it is not possible to say EXACTLY that coming to bed late was for the purpose of avoiding sexual intercourse. Because two different situations may have different explanations. At this point, the spouses are also It is very important for their communication that they give clear messages to each other instead of making meaning from their behaviors. Mind reading sometimes becomes such that you decide what your partner is thinking and feeling and insist on it. For example, during the argument, one of the spouses said, “I know what your ONLY intention is. To make me uneasy. If you think you can intimidate me by doing this, you are deceived. I know exactly what's on your mind. If you think you are insulting me by doing this, you are deceived..." Conversation has been replaced by mutual mind reading. It sparks anger in the other party and does nothing but make things worse. The second important mistake is to “bring up the past over and over again.” Especially newlywed couples talk about past events over and over again in every argument for a long time. “Your mother did this to me, your father said this..” etc. expressions are used very frequently. Discussions become unnecessarily prolonged. This makes it very difficult for couples to understand each other and focus on solving the problem. However, in some cases, for example, if one of the spouses is distressed and feels unfairly treated by what happened in the past, it may be useful to talk about the past. If his wife, the person for whom he endured all these troubles, listens to him and tries to understand him, his anger and sadness will be alleviated, at least to some extent. However, the important point is not to bring up the past too often and not to do this with the aim of blaming your partner or justifying yourself. Also, your timing is very important. For example, in the middle of a heated argument, you can make things even more difficult. In conclusion; Coping with the problems of marriage and finding appropriate solutions to conflict can only be achieved through good communication. This may be possible if spouses learn how to talk to each other and what to pay attention to while doing so. Marriage is hard enough, why shouldn't we make it easier? What do you think?
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