Hello everyone, our topic today is "Sexual Communication", which is a topic we talk about not only in sexual therapy but also in couple therapy. First of all, it would be more correct to start by talking about the main reasons for the importance we attach to this issue. The inability of couples who have a lack of sexual communication to express their closeness to each other or to use a sometimes persistent, sometimes avoidant and sometimes hurtful tone by expressing them incorrectly; It causes both physical and therefore relational and emotional coldness. While the lack of sexual communication inhibits physical intimacy, which is one of the 5 basic elements in the dynamics of relationships, over time, our relationships become monotonous both emotionally and intellectually, and cooling begins. While one party tries to internalize the pain of rejection, the other party may feel inadequate and may prefer to go around this constantly disturbing issue. At this stage, negative emotional outbursts for which the reason cannot be understood, and discussion topics that seem to be small and continue to creep can become a condition that wears out the relationship. For this reason, establishing a well-founded 'Sexual Communication' with our partner and making an effort to maintain this structure are among the fixtures of the relationship. The basis of sexual communication is to be able to talk about our feelings together with the reason while expressing something. This is possible by increasing our insight into ourselves; but insight is a long enough phenomenon to be the subject of another article. Therefore, in its simplest form, regarding this subject; Being able to answer the question "Why do I feel-think this way?" can be explained as gaining awareness about our behaviors. Why we want things in sexual communication; We must first understand whether we prefer it or not, and then integrate these answers with our emotions and transfer them to our partner.
For example; “I like being close to you very much, it makes me feel special and reminds me of your love for me, but next to other people, this situation turns into anxiety and makes me feel uncomfortable rather than special because of my shyness. That's why when we're with our families, I'm sometimes more m I may seem distant or withdraw when he wants to hug me, but I love you there too and I actually want to be close.”
In the above case, there is an example of why she does not want to be physically close in front of other people, with its causes and consequences. Of course, situations, people and levels of intimacy may vary, but it is important to tell our partner about what we feel, what we think, in the process that we normally like, but proceed in a different way than normal for one reason or another. For this reason, it would not be wrong to say that the first condition is to express feelings in sexual communication.
The second rule is to express our wishes and desires. It should not be forgotten that our partner is not a telepath who reads our minds, and sometimes we should be able to express them openly so that he can realize our desires or accompany us. The thing I hear most from couples here is not to say their wishes because of the shyness factor. Embarrassment is also a normal feeling, but it is expected that the shyness related to this issue will decrease to a certain level in adult relationships and evolve into more emotional trust and closeness, thus naturalness and comfort. Support should be sought in transferring immature emotions to adult emotions.
The third rule is to keep the possibility of rejection of our requests in mind, but not to internalize it by personalizing it. As couples are free to demand something from each other, they should be as free to refuse this request and not think that they will pay a price when they refuse. Because our partner, who refuses what we demand, simply turns down our request; Seeing it as being personally rejected or unwanted will damage our selves and our relationships. For example, what one partner wants to experience, another may avoid. Therefore, we internalize the comfort of asking knowing that we can actually say no to each other. If we get angry, we can stay away from grappling with negative emotions by thinking that we are rejected.
Our fourth item will be to make dreams that include physical intimacy or sexuality together and sometimes make each other complete these dreams like a puzzle. Here, couples both mentally relax and imaginatively structuring an experience with which they relate relationally prevents their relationships and sexual communication from becoming monotonous. It also saves us the trouble of expressing it directly in words in a mental exercise each other contributes to. It should not be forgotten that the first step of practice is to imagine.
One of the fifth and most important items is the ability to use the I language effectively. I language should accompany us in our communication models in order to establish correct communication in every sense. However, especially in such private matters, by giving place to courtesy and feelings; Developing a new language without judging, accusing, building a wall or humiliating the other person will guide us in structuring our sexual communication. . You can improve sexual communication for a more satisfying relationship, and you can get support for this. Be kind to yourself, goodbye.
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