"If there is a relationship, it has to be something that can make your life better, more wonderful, more fun... If a relationship can't do that, why would you be in a relationship?"
What is a relationship?
p>Why do we need a relationship?
Why do we experience problems in relationships and have difficulty solving them?
And why do we try to stay in that relationship despite everything?...
Relationship is the mutual interest, bond, relationship and contact between two or more things.
Since coming into existence, human beings find themselves in a relationship with another (mother-primary caregiver). ) relates, survives through relationships, learns about life, continues life.
The basic vital needs of humans are eating, drinking, sheltering, being valued, social acceptance and self-realization. income. And all this is possible with the support and unity of others.
Man, as a social being, is protected and cared for in the family, which is a system of close relationships, his physical, mental and spiritual development is ensured by meeting his needs, and he is prepared for difficult living conditions with this support.
We recognize ourselves in the other, we create our self through the other.
Since childhood, our needs, We observe whether we are approved or disapproved, whether we are valuable, whether we are loved or not, through the reactions to our behaviors, and we organize our personality to be accepted. Later, we continue this in the school environment, which is our first social life. Getting approval from the environment, being seen, being known is the confirmation of our identity and this makes us feel good.
When we become adults, we look for a special other. We want to be complete with a suitable partner, share life, achieve unity of purpose and become a family. We fall in love, establish a home, and gain status through a social institution.
This relationship, established with good intentions, care and love, begins to falter in the process. It has a wide spectrum, from minor disagreements to major crises.
And here couples turn to the following questions with anxiety:
-What is going on here?
-How will this calm down?
What causes this conflict? ep is not, as is thought, differences of opinion, variability of tastes and purpose of life, upbringing styles, tall or short height, status, belief, age, etc. It cannot be regulated by bargaining, it occurs from "emotional union".
The source of the problem is "the emotional connection of the couple is not formed or broken."
"They cannot feel emotionally safe with each other."
"Most conflicts are real protests over emotional ruptures."
What's going on here is more primitive, simpler, more vital. It is an element:
If we are welcomed, if we receive love and compassion, if we are soothed when we are in trouble, we participate in the outside world with confidence, interest, curiosity and enthusiasm, and then we experience the peace of returning to our safe base. If this is not the case, an anxious, restless, angry structure is formed.
Our attachment style in infancy is the basic structure for all our remaining intimate relationships and determines whether we live our lives with safe or insecure attachments.
Just like our need to trust our parents in infancy, we need a secure attachment to our partner in adulthood and we silently ask him the following questions:
-"Can I trust you and Can I get help from you?"
-"Will you be there for me?"
-"Will you answer me when I call, when I need you?"
-"Do I mean anything to you?"
-"Am I valued and accepted by you?"
-"Do you need me? , do you trust?"
If the connection is strong, positive answers to these questions will guarantee a productive relationship. What if the answer does not come or is not positive?!
Then fear and tension will begin, and a war will begin over superficial problems, which are the tip of the iceberg. Because when the secure attachment is threatened, our brain uses the amygdala to help us survive. It tries to protect the body by activating the fight or flight center.
This will lead to prolonged arguments, withdrawals, disappointments, and furthermore, the spouses will become further distant from each other.
"Anger, criticism, demands are the real screams of lovers that mobilize their hearts to emotionally bring their partner back and re-establish the feeling of secure attachment."
If there is a strong bond, love and trust between spouses, they take care of each other's needs and support each other without demanding anything from each other. While the woman is busy cooking in the kitchen, the man takes action spontaneously, saying, "Let me throw out the garbage, so my wife won't have to do all the work." Likewise, the woman notices the distress of her husband, who returns home feeling down, and supports him, preferring to comfort his wife before her own expectations.
The indicator of a secure connection is;
-Being connected
-Being accessible
-Being responsive.
What is meant by this is not to be dependent, involved or expecting each other in every way at any time, but to feel the assurance that your partner is there and responsive when needed.
If the signals of the safe area in the relationship weaken and sensitive points are touched, the balance is disrupted and the injured partner becomes sad or angry or, on the contrary, acts distant or cold. He tries to understand the situation. This time, the other party perceives this anger or withdrawal as a threat and develops the same reactions.
This activates our deepest and strongest emotions, the need for attachment and fears.
-If you are not with me a few times when necessary, I don't need you anymore! With the feeling of
we hide our sensitivities and become completely incomprehensible to our spouse.
"Our attachment system is activated by our longings and fears. Our brain: -a foreign, bad, painful "Something's coming," he says. And the spouse, who cannot get answers to these needs for a long time, withdraws and says, "There is no need to live with a person who does not take his spouse to the emergency room when he gets sick at night." he says.
Agree As it is said, this secure attachment dynamic lies beneath current discussions such as "Why did you answer the phone late? Why did you make the food salty? You should have paid more attention to the children, you forgot to buy lemon again..."
If If we can follow each other, care for each other, and thus feel each other's needs and pains, this indicates a strong bond and vital problems can be easily overcome.
Accept Me As I Am, Approve, Love
Other basic dynamics are "Acceptance of Identity" and "Unconditional Love".
Life is the field of self-creation and this Therefore, acceptance of identities is another of our most basic needs. For this reason, being ignored is a punishment stronger than death. It is known that all wars and struggles in the world are identity issues.
Identity is related to who the person is. It finds meaning when all the features and details are known, seen, approved, accepted, supported by "that special person" and most importantly, it creates a special space in their life. Even if we do not approve of some of his attitudes and behaviors, the important thing is to love and protect his identity and existence unconditionally.
What is meant here is not to say "I trust you or trust me, I love you and accept you as you are", but to make these felt with attitudes within the relationship...
Buying a single-door car for a husband who has a pregnant wife and a baby to be born sends the following message to his wife: "I will take care of all of our needs, without taking you, our baby and new conditions into consideration." I decided not based on my own wishes, but on my own wishes. Manage it."
In addition, the woman receives the following message: "If there was a safe and strong bond here, we would determine our needs together and act accordingly. "It doesn't matter who I am or what I need here. I feel worthless and anxious."
Damaged identity also damages the relationship.
Because we are hurt the most in the context of our closest relationships. On the one hand, we try to stay there because of our need to survive, to feel safe, to receive value, love, approval and thus to be ourselves and produce. While we are sleeping, the absence of this atmosphere prevents us from breathing and we want to get away. Being stuck between these two emotions causes us to lose our joy and motivation for life and causes various psychological and biological diseases to occur. Whether our relationship seems to be on track, rolling away, hitting a wall in a dead-end street, or being in a vegetative state, there is a need for improvement.
If their past lives, their foundations, that is, their soil, are good, Even a tiny green root can grow into a robust plant, and damaged relationships can be healed. Just like removing a bullet from a wound, we can revitalize our relationships and increase their quality with care, diligence, dedication, love and hope, and of course, a conscious structuring.
If a person finds value, love, trust, peace, approval, support, acceptance of identity and a strong bond in his family, he will not look for these outside. So, let's create huge spaces for our spouses and then for our children, and leave safe spaces for existence. Let's protect our relationship by expressing our needs and feelings clearly and in the best way possible, without trying to make it fit our own ego, and by taking care of their needs. Let us carefully surround our longest companion, the one we need the most, and our togetherness with our closest person. Because basically, the needs are the same whether men or women.
Our whole story always needs the light of a pair of eyes.
ON MARRIAGE
Let distance separate your togetherness.
And let the winds of the sky dance between you.
Love each other, but do not turn your love into a chain.
Let love be a sea moving back and forth between the shores of your souls. .
Fill each other's cups,
But do not drink from one cup.
Give each other your bread;
But do not eat the same slice.
>
Unity
Read: 0
