How we are loved as a child sets the course for how we love as adults. The attachment style that develops between mother and child causes us to establish secure, insecure or avoidant (ambivalent) attachment patterns in the relationships we will establish in the future.
If you are one of the rare people who have the opportunity to secure attachment, you can easily connect in relationships, commit yourself to a relationship and maintain relationships that do not work out. You have the potential to finish without experiencing agitation. You know your own expectations regarding the relationship, and you are aware of the positive and negative characteristics of yourself and your partner.
If you have an insecure attachment style, you may see all kinds of closeness as a threat, an area of compression and strain, and stay away from real relationships. You may be with many people at the same time, have casual relationships, and tend to use and control people according to your needs rather than showing interest in getting to know and understand them.
People with an avoidant (ambivalent) attachment style may experience inconsistency, mistrust, attachment quickly, You may experience problems such as submissiveness in the relationship, being overly controlling and jealous, and not being able to end relationships that do not work out. The relationship you are in may affect your own life processes and cause deterioration in your business life, family and other social relationships.
Sometimes, someone comes and puts you in such a relationship that you don't know what to do and find yourself in a situation where you are completely under the influence of the other person. I call these relationships sickening relationships. People with an avoidant and insecure attachment style often tend to behave in the patterns I have mentioned below.
People who are clingy, inconsistent and perceive communication in black and white will first come to you in such a way that they will approach you, connect you and make you feel good that you can surrender yourself completely. At this very moment, he starts scratching you as if you were in the same sack as the cat. It puts you in a constant "I hate you, don't leave me" cycle. And because you cannot make this person happy, you become tense and feel constricted when you see that there is no way to make him happy. However, if you leave me, I will die and you will feel bad and tend not to leave him, reflecting that you are very bad.
Aloof, difficult to trust, difficult to relate to, withdrawn. Panic and secretive people have difficulty connecting. He shows commitment, is there sincerely, is loyal, but it is difficult for him to fully surrender and connect with trust. Without realizing it, you push these people away, force them to serve you, and enter into a cold distance. In other words, you become part of the projection that closeness is difficult and dangerous, which will put them in a difficult situation in the relationship. In order to establish a relationship based on trust, someone must be able to stay in that person's life despite everything, without making any mistakes.
People who are integrative and say let's be us, let's be the same, will show you how to be good with themselves and even admire themselves or admire you. They try to establish a relationship through being. You get along well with these people and realize that you are trying to find something to compliment them. If you're on good terms with him, it's great; if not, you feel terrible. You create a fusion of like-minded people with the indispensable executor of the relationship.
On the contrary, if you are with people who are more neurotic and have a secure attachment, you can develop more mature defenses and move towards a more secure attachment. These are what I call “healing relationships.” However, if you have any of the personality organizations I mentioned above, you will unconsciously do your best to escape and disrupt this secure attachment. In fact, it is the unconscious that is at work at this point.
Those who get confused when starting a good relationship and say, "You are a very good person, a valuable person, but I cannot stay in the relationship, exhibit exactly this escape." Relationship patterns acquired from infancy to adulthood are activated and distorted perception of today's realities. Inner fear, anxiety, and insecurity sometimes put their excessive expectations and clinging tendencies into action. In other words, instead of reacting by perceiving and feeling today's reality, they reenact their past experiences as if they were happening today.
On the other hand, because they will be afraid of establishing healthy relationships, they will have the hardest time with the people they have a close and real relationship with, with whom they are not afraid of losing and whom they are sure are there. Either they easily sabotage the relationship and take actions that will destroy the relationship because they are confident that they will not lose it, or they constantly test the other person to see if they will leave.
If you think you have found someone with the potential for such a healthy healing relationship, it would be beneficial to find a way to work with yourself and your own internal dynamics.
Therapy is a type of healing relationship: with certain boundaries, reality-based, and emerging by evaluating yesterday and today in context. It creates a safe space that allows emotions to be clarified and expressed. In this way, you will not be alone in achieving a healthy orientation in our relational existence in the real world.
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