Perhaps the most important decision of our lives is choosing the person we will marry. Differences are important in any human relationship, but perhaps play a vital role in marriage. While reasonable differences can turn into wealth, some differences cause endless conflicts. Differences that are not seen or ignored before marriage and that are said to change after marriage begin to disturb the peace very soon after the marriage takes place.
How can it be reasonable to seek sameness in a prospective spouse when even siblings born to the same parents and raised in the same house are different worlds from each other? can we see? In marriage, we look for equality, not sameness, and we should. Equivalence does not mean sameness or equality. We can say that equivalence is a middle way between unacceptable differences and sameness.
Is it possible to detect differences before marriage and shape the relationship accordingly?
To be able to notice the differences The prerequisite for this is self-awareness. Being self-aware means; It means knowing one's own needs, priorities, indispensables, one's own potential and limits, as well as being aware of one's own family history - and therefore the family structure -, the worldview, beliefs and values of one's family and close circle.
Note that marriage is usually made in youth. If we consider all these factors, it may make our job easier to evaluate the opinions of our family elders and to consult with people whose knowledge and hearts we trust. Are behaviors expected?
Behavior is the general name for all kinds of cognitive, affective and physical reactions we show against the outside world, and all these reactions interact with each other. Therefore, even if we are raised in the same way, we display different emotions and behaviors in similar situations. The way we internalize time, space, and events is different from the way we express them. Even the same person may react differently to the same situation at different times and environments.
When evaluating a spouse candidate, we should first ask ourselves questions, the right questions will lead to useful clues. My temperament, my personality, my love language Do I know, do I recognize my feelings? What are my emotional, physical and social needs? What do I expect from my partner and the new family I will join? To what extent can I tolerate these expectations not being met? So, what expectations of my wife and her family can I meet? Are the expectations that I cannot respond to the kind that I can adapt to over time, or do I hope that those expectations will disappear?
What should spouses do to achieve a common frequency?
Catching a common frequency, turning differences into wealth, ensuring harmony, and not consuming this short life with conflicts depends on the effort and care we give to our relationship. No one buys happiness as a package with the wedding registry. The difference between happy couples and those who cannot make their marriage work is not that they do not encounter difficulties, but that they know how to overcome those difficulties and try new ways in cases where they cannot overcome them.
I will not say that a happy marriage has so many secrets, every marriage may have its own secrets of happiness. However, we should not forget the general rules. What are those rules? Being willing to get along, trying to keep our tone pleasant under all circumstances, not giving up compassion, preserving respect as much as possible, seeing the strong and lovable sides of our spouse, valuing our spouse and showing this with our behavior, being solution-oriented in times of crisis, accepting that arguments and conflicts are natural, being demanding. Being sensitive to the needs of our spouse without being stuck in the mood…
Happy marriage is not luck, happiness is built with effort and patience. Happiness is neither permanent nor fixed; It is a situation of ups and downs, one should not lose hope on the downhill and control on the up. Those who can accept their marriage with all its ups and downs will receive peace in good times and bad times.
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