Detachment, one of the most basic human sufferings, is embodied as separation in romantic relationships. Separation is the removal or loss of an object to which we are deeply attached, a loved one, a value, or our physical integrity. Social separation from the other, the social loss of the other we value, and the struggle to cope with the emptiness left by him/her is one of the basic stages of the separation process.
While Freud defines love as "the effort to rebuild the phase of unity before the emptiness brought about by separation from the mother, the impossibility of love It also emphasizes the inevitability of separation. Adam Philips explains the separation in a harsher way: “As anyone who has been in love (or in mourning) knows, what is politely called a separation is actually the severing of a limb.” he defines. Psychoanalytically oriented therapists call the pain experienced after separation psychic pain and summarize psychic pain with a simple equation; The love we have inside for a being that is no longer outside.
In every relationship, a new "I" emerges as it forms with the person in front of us. This new self is nourished by the sense of togetherness and unity between two people, which feeds on the other person and also nourishes them. We cannot be who we are with anyone other than that person. Therefore, separation is not only the loss of the person we are with, but also the loss of a period and a version of self that is shaped in the relationship.
The person sees and feels himself according to the images sent by the partner to the person. It does not matter whether the "other" that we call this partner is the image of the partner in the person we call the "other" or the "imaginary other". In this reciprocal process, the vividness of the images varies exactly according to the strength of the desire that binds the partners. It feeds the fantasies of the chosen other person and pushes him to dream. One of the painful parts after a breakup occurs at this interface. Trying to cope with the inner turmoil caused by the physical absence of the partner as well as the loss of the loved one's fantasy makes the person difficult. With Him, the daily and tolerable dissatisfaction of desires disappears and I become at a loss as to what to do; There is no direction left to direct your desire.
Although the pain that occurs as a result of the breaking of the bond between us and our partner and the damage to our self-image occurs in a moment, its development and progress follow a complex process. It begins with a rupture, continues with the psychic shock triggered by the rupture, and ends with the ego's defensive reaction to the shock.
What breaks the bond of love and harms the person so much? Freud answers this question as follows; “To lose the presence and love of the loved one.” Love and knowledge are separated. The person vacillates between an inner love that relives what is lost and the certainty of eternal absence. The gap between the presence of the other in the person and their actual absence is such an unbearable divide that we often try to narrow this gap not by balancing our love, but by denying the other's absence, rebelling against the fact of lack, and denying the fact that our loved one can never be here. At this point, stalking comes into play. Following a person who is no longer in our lives and trying to keep him/her in our lives in some way is seen as stalking in today's age.
In order to alleviate the pain of love, we should think of the pain as an expression of something else. We must be able to remove it from the reality it exists in by turning it into a symbol. Attributing a symbolic value to pain, which is a reality in itself, a cruel, hostile and alien feeling, ultimately remains the only form of therapy that makes pain bearable. The therapist is the intermediary who meets the patient's indigestible pain and turns this pain into a symbolized pain. So what does it mean to symbolize pain by adding meaning to it? For this therapist, connecting with the other person's pain means ringing and waiting for time and words to erode the pain during this echo
To connect with love means allowing direct access to what is most personal and central, allowing two fluid contents to interconnect It is mixing and becoming one. For this reason, breaking up is not just about the person; It also means leaving the relationship. It is separation from a bond that nourishes the person, the self. So, how will these two fluid contents be separated from each other after the love ends and the decision to break up is made? In some cases, this fluid content may not be separated immediately after the decision to separate is made. That Relationships or the relationship itself may not allow this separation. Therapy received during the separation phase actually serves this exact point. First of all, the therapist accompanies the person's feelings of sadness, anger, anxiety and sometimes mourning and helps him/her to cope. Later, it helps to ensure healthy separation of people who cannot separate and to liberate the person from the relationship at the psycho-social level. The recovery of self-worth on an ego-libidinal basis, preparing the ground for a new and healthy structuring in the process of self-realization, the re-establishment of internal and external balances are very useful in facilitating people's adaptation to their new life after the separation process and in preparing for new relationships and sometimes a new self. Do not hesitate to get help at a point where you feel you cannot cope after the breakup, perhaps this is a unique opportunity to create a new me for you!
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