Studies have shown that children understand death according to their developmental stages. For example, preschool children see death as a temporary, reversible concrete situation. Between the ages of 5 and 9, they begin to realize that death means the end of life and that all living things will eventually die. But they don't understand that this is personal. They try to recreate death. They may have nightmares about these dreams, associating death with a skeleton or the angel of death.
From the ages of 9-10 to adolescence, children understand that death is irreversible and that everyone, including themselves, will die one day. Some ponder philosophical approaches to life and death. Adolescents keep questioning the meaning of life in their own minds.
Children understand death specific to their period only thanks to the parents of the family who know the characteristics of the child's period. For example, arguing or contradicting the adolescent about death may be perceived as a threat to his own thoughts, which may cause him/her not to accept the event of death or develop different reactions.
Personal Experiences
All children have lives. Their experiences are unique and the way they handle and show their emotions is different. Some children start asking questions about death at age 3. Some children never talk about death but use it in their games. No matter how they express their feelings about death, they need sympathetic and nonjudgmental responses from adults. Through careful listening and observation, important clues can be obtained regarding the appropriate approach based on the child's needs. Simple and short explanations are appropriate for preschool and young school age children. Giving long advice and complex answers to their questions will bore them and confuse them. You can talk by giving concrete and similar examples. We can explain death to children as follows; 'When a person dies, he does not breathe, does not eat, does not speak, does not think. When a dog dies, it doesn't bark or run. When a plant dies, it no longer grows or flowers.
While some children ask questions immediately, some remain silent and come to you after a while and ask questions. Every question should be answered simply and accurately. What does the child understand from what is said? The name is important. Sometimes children just want to ask again and again and hear the same answers. Over time, children have new experiences and share their feelings and thoughts with more detailed explanations.
-When giving children the news of someone's death; Explaining it with sentences such as 'he is gone now, he has abandoned us', he is asleep, he is resting for a long time, increases their anxiety even more and confuses them.
-Telling that the cause of death is an illness makes the child worry as he thinks that the outcome of the illness experience will be death in the future. Therefore, when explaining disease as the cause of death, it should be noted that only serious diseases result in death, or most diseases are cured.
-Another generalization about death is that old age is said to be the cause of the disease. This explanation will lose its credibility when the child sees the death of someone at a young age.
-Death can be talked about from time to time by taking advantage of less emotional opportunities in daily life. It is easier to talk about the death of living things such as a flower, insect, or bird. Children may become even more curious and continue to ask questions. Children's curiosity should be met calmly and answered simply without feeling guilty.
Children's Reactions to Death
When children experience death around them, they may develop some different reactions. These are:
Guilt
Some studies show that children who experience the death of a close relative at home, such as a sibling or parent, often feel guilty. Children have difficulty establishing the cause and effect relationship of this event and think that they caused the death themselves. They may say that death is the punishment for their own actions: "My mother died and left me because I was naughty."
In such cases, first support the child to talk about his feelings and thoughts and share them with you. Then it's about their feelings of guilt; Make them feel loved and supported. Don't tell them how to feel. Unfortunately, in our country, the discourse of families trying to support their children in this regard is guided by the following: “Don't worry. Don't feel guilty.” Statements like this, child The child's feelings are ignored and the child is asked to feel emotions that are incompatible with reality, which he cannot do himself.
Anger
The loss of someone close causes both the adult and the child to become angry. Adults become angry at doctors and nurses or at themselves for not being able to stop death. Children express their anger openly, especially after the death of their caregivers. Sometimes they get angry at the person who died. They should be made to feel that their care will continue regardless of their feelings of anger or fear.
Regression
Children may regress to past characteristics with the loss of someone close to them; such as bedwetting, thumb sucking, stuttering, fears and childish behavior. It should be known that these behaviors are temporary and children should continue to be supported during this period.
Depression and other behavioral problems
Some children internalize their anger, become anxious, withdrawn, Complaints such as aggressive behavior may begin. If these complaints continue 6 months after death and affect the child's life, such as sleep, appetite problems, ongoing fears, decrease in school performance, deterioration in friendships, expert help from a child psychiatrist is required.
Death and valuing the deceased in our country. Their traditional behavior is supportive of the child and the family of the deceased. The house of the dead is not left alone, if anyone cries, they are listened to, supported and allowed to speak. Neighbors and relatives bring food to the deceased's house, support the relatives financially and morally, and share their pain. More time is spent one-on-one with children who have lost their loved ones, and their care is supported. Continuing such traditional behaviors makes death easier to overcome. Children can be prepared according to their age and situation and go to the mawlid or grave of the deceased. These make it easier for children to understand death and express their own feelings and thoughts.
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